2003-09-05 @ 9:32 p.m.
|If crying was an Olympic event, I'd be a gold medalist. I cry really easily. I cry as soon as I wake up. I cry in my car at a stoplight. I cry writing e-mails. I cry if someone even hints that I'm worthwhile. I can even cry if I walk by a picture of my father.
I cried a lot today. I think I need some Gatorade to rehydrate.
I had a shrink appointment this morning. The older one. The younger one canceled my appointment this week. His kids were going back to school and he wanted to be there when they left for school and when they got home. Unfortunately my appointment got crunched up somewhere in-between. Of course, I'm easy to cancel since I only pay him $40 of his $120 fee and I feel unworthy anyways. I could have really used an appointment, but I didn't press him.
So it was the Older Guy. He's a good guy. I pretty much cried the entire hour. About what? I don't know. Well, I do know. It was a pressure cooker week. The pressure of moving. The pressure of dealing with government agencies. The pressure of dealing with my ever increasing cognitive problems. The pressures of dealing with my never ending financial stresses.
And something I didn't realize. I had gotten help from my social service agency for both my deposit and my move. We had talked about a payment plan for paying back the money. Well, I misunderstood the arrangement and today when I saw my social worker, she asked for a $500 payment. I guess I had signed an agreement saying I would pay back the $500 when I got my SSD check in one lump sum on September 3rd. It either wasn't explained correctly or I didn't read the fine print or I didn't remember the conversation. She had been on vacation and her associate had had me sign the agreement. I just don't remember the lump sum agreement. I could not stop crying. I had borrowed $250 from my mother for part of the move so I didn't have the $500 to give them. I only get $731/mo. Had I given them the $500, I would have not had any money left. My social worker said she didn't want to make a financial burden on me and then didn't say anything more. So I guess they'll expect it next month. I will still be the same amount of poor next month, but next month I'll have to pay $500 rent here, so I'm not sure where its going to come from.
I'm hoping to get back my deposit from my other apartment, but I'm not holding my breathe. I didn't give them a 30 day notice. I did leave the apartment in ok condition (better than I got it in). But I totally lack any confidence in getting back my money, even though I was in contact with the owner about the abominable conditions and he said there would be "no penalty' if I left.
But one thing I've learned in the last couple of years -- next to used car dealers and politicians, landlords are the sleaziest of people. Even if you suffer injuries, pay your neighbors electric bill for 7 months and have snow in your bedroom because of your landlord's neglect, you're still the villain because of a piece of paper that says you're responsible for rent for 12 months. Sure contracts are a good things, but the renters have absolutely no rights if you look closely. Everything is in favor of the landlord. My lease even had a clause that said I would pay my landlord's court cost if we ever went to court. Even if its their fault. Naturely,there is a huge population of terrible renters out there. People who destroy property, who don't pay rent, who move out in the middle of the night. But I don't think I should have to pay for their sins.
My biggest sin has been using my deposit once for my last month's rent. But I left the apartment in exquisite condition. The maintenance man said it was the cleanest he had ever seen an apartment. And I didn't have to do it. There was nothing at stake for me. I wasn't hustling for the return of a deposit. I just did it because it was the right thing to do. That's just the kind of person I am. Responsible.
So I cried during most of my session. My shrink said I could still take my last landlord to court. And he's right. I just have to get up the courage. And actually its looking more and more like I'll need to, because of my mounting monies owed. All because I moved into an apartment complex which failed to tell me, they grew penicillin on their carpet, baseboards, and closets.
p.s. Two years ago today was the last time I saw my Dad alive. I've been crying a lot about that today too. I really miss him.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty