2003-11-05 @ 7:08 p.m.
|I feel like Etta James sounds when she sings the great old chestnut "Don't Explain"
"...Hush now, don't explain, you're my joy and pain, my life, your love, don't explain..."
God, don't ask me to explain. Just feeling the blues today. partially the weather (grays). partially my mood (blues). partially my loneliness which doesn't have a color, except for possibly obsidian.
My Friday shrink is away for a Zen retreat this week. I won't be seeing my Tuesday shrink til next Thursday because of a schedule conflict. I am no longer in my DBT group. Today was the first day I didn't feel guilty about not going. I actually forgot about it because I was out walking on our cold, windy storm tossed lake. Very few people were out.
I did stop at my favorite Truck Stop McDonald's on the way but I wasn't even able to derive any pleasure out of making fun of my truck stop buddies. Like "Oh, a casting call for "Deliverance" or "Oh, there's a phone at the table, let me call my stockbroker." I just ate my sundae with caramel in silence, worrying about my car and wondering why I can't seem to get my life started.
Why can't I get a date? Somebody suggested to me recently that I write out a perfect date or at least meeting with someone. Now, I am a very creative writer, but the prospect of coming up with a perfect date scenario was really tough.
Sure I could make it comical or Woody Allenesque. But what if I made it real. Me with my rapidly beating heart, and eyes cast downwards and low self esteem. Well, it would be really sad. And I can't really seem to come up with a happy ending. I just keep seeing the guy glancing at me and then walking onto the bubbly, outgoing girl at the next table.
I'm an acquired taste. I've actually had not one but two people suggest Speed Dating to me this week. What's that? Well, it's this ridiculous 21st century high tech thing, where 20 people pay $50 each to meet 20 other people for 5 minutes each and see if any of them click. Cripes! It takes me like 7 years, before I'm comfortable enough to make jokes around you. Five minutes? That is definitely designed for the cute and bubblies of the world. Not for the manics and depressives.
Unfortunately I just don't go anyplace to meet people anymore. I don't work. I don't go to bars. I don't go to church. My only hobby is writing, which is kind of solitary. And the only social contact I have is at the grocery store.
I remember one day recently after a shrink appointment where I was told that I "wasn't trying" (as in looking up at anyone or talking), I walked up and down the aisles at the local yuppie store and made eye contact with every single guy for about 5 minutes. I probably looked like Squeaky Fromme ready to pull the trigger on some unseen handgun. Almost everyone looked back and a couple were already looking. Yeah, it was a revelation, but unfortunately, I didn't know what to do next.
OK, I got the eye contact thing going...ok..um, eye contact...um...now what do I do? Somebody in my support group, humorously (I think), suggested I should ask where the hot-dogs are.
Its been so long since I had a date I can barely remember what I used to do. I used to date men that I worked with. I mean, once I was through dating the gay boys in the 80's. I did date two guys at my last job in California. One guy I sat next to and had a tremendous crush on. He wasn't exactly a hunk. Just a tall, gangly guy whose tie was always crooked. But he was incredibly funny and that is number one in the wittykitty book of attractive things. And he also played the piano like me and was really cool. We kibitzed all day at work, and had a great time together. Finally after working together for nearly a year he FINALLY asked me out. I was totally thrilled. He was going to take me out to dinner and a movie. So had dinner and went to see the movie "Dark Man", which I didn't really like, but hey, I was next to Tad-Man, and I was very happy.
Saw a car accident on the way home and stopped. A coworker of ours was on the scene and was totally shocked to see us together, but Tad-Man was cool about it. No kiss at the end of the night or anything. Just a nice good-bye. But I was on totally on cloud nine driving home. I was finally hooking up with one of the most popular guys at work. He had asked me out. We had gotten along really well at the restaurant and sat closely at the movies and had fun in the car. Two days later Tad-Man met his future wife. Fruck.
And then I actually moved onto his room mate. (Yeah, Wittykitty the slut). He was also a coworker. Now this one was a cutie and also very witty. Lets call him J. Ted-Man left the company shortly afterwards, so it was just me and J holding down the humor fort. And I actually started going to the company SOFTBALL GAMES (Ha, me at a sporting event - ha ha ha) to watch, the studly, but adorable J. bat those balls around...figuratively speaking.
J. was great though. Intelligent, cute, funny. He used to go to the soup kitchen on the weekend and cook for the poor people! (oh my God, a conscience). And he could cook too! So, he finally asked me out too. I mean, we used to go out to lunch during work hours, but to be asked out after hours, by the guy who all the girls drooled over (and no he was definitely NOT GAY). Yippee!
But he did a weird thing. He had a friend come along. I guess to chaperone us. He cooked us dinner at his house (Mexican food and what a great cook -- those lucky poor people), and then all three of us, including the guy who I didn't know, went to see the Steve Martin comedy, "L.A. Story". We all liked it. Came home. He, too, was musical. He played the guitar. And they had Tad-man's piano in the living room, so we got out some John Lennon music and started jamming. The third guy just sat over on the couch, staring at the ceiling. I'm not sure what he was on or if he had been hired by the hour, but he never said or did anything except sit and stare. But J. and I had a great time and continued to lunch out together on almost a daily basis. I did leave the company shortly after that and J. and I stayed in touch briefly, but then HE got a full time girlfriend, and I was once again, on my own.
But the point is, I can't remember what I did to make those guys like me. That was like 14 years ago. The only common denominator was the fact that we worked at the same place and we both had senses of humor. Neither relationship developed into a romantic one or a physical one, but at least someone asked me out. Maybe I should review the tapes. Maybe it was just because I had repeated human contact.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty