2003-11-14 @ 1:11 p.m.
|Anyone else notice how SNOW and SHIT both have 4 letters and begin with the letter "S"?
So it was a mad scramble through my underwear drawer this morning looking for matching mittens. Why? Because I have the largest collection of single mittens on the East Coast. I think the Smithsonian Institute might be interested.
And then once outside I had to walk across the "ice rink", formerly known as "the driveway". I did the Tim Conway old man walk most of the way. Shuffle, step, shuffle, step, shuffle, step. For God sakes, its only 8 feet to my freakin' car, but suddenly it seemed like I'm in the middle of the Atlantic with Jacque Cousteau. Shuffle, step, shuffle, step, shuffle, step. Fruck, my shrink appointment is in 20 minutes, and I'm still like 5 feet from my car which was encased in ice and snow. Shit.
So I finally make it to the car. Fortunately it wasn't frozen shut like it sometimes gets in the winter. Rather than walk around the edges of the car and scrape it off, since I'm in the middle of the icy fjords, better known as the Soprano's driveway, I decided to back my car out onto the street, which had been plowed and salted.
Not that I can see out of the windshield or anything. Hell no, we're going to do a Stevie Wonder with a 12,000 pound hunk of metal. So I back out. Good. Drive forward. Ka-thunk! Yeah, up onto the curb, nearly into the 50 foot Sycamore at the edge of the driveway.
Good going NASCAR Kitty.
So I finally get to zen-shrink's. He had been on a retreat last week and I had been kind of recovering from being a little upset with him. Not really sure what that was about. I get upset with my shrinks alot. Guess because they're doing their jobs of poking and prodding and making me examine myself and getting better.
I think what had upset me last time was the continuing conversations about penises. I think I had reached my max on that subject and the zen-shrink had continued to talk about my dainties without my permission.
He's a cool older gentleman, and I trust him, and he alway says at least once during our session, "We're in this together", but something had just creeped me out when he used up the appropriate numbers of times in a single year you can use the word "dildo". I had just had enough. I shut down. And I think he knew it.
So today's session was amazingly free of sexual references. I did tell him about the Nude Art guy on Wednesday. I did refrain however from bringing in my sketches. And we did not say "penis" even once. And that was good.
We did however talk about how I could transfer the confidence I feel with Married Guy to other social situations such as the drawing class.
I fairly bloom under the gaze of Married Guy, feeling pretty, and funny, but when I get in public, in the view of truly potential mates, I totally shut down and look at the floor. I don't know how to change that. How do I present my pretty goddess-self to the right people? The available, unmarried man-folk. Hmmm.
The zen-shrink did do a little hypnosis thing with me today. That was the original reason I sought him out 5 years ago. He does hypnosis. I was without a speaking voice for almost 8 years before going there. I went to him solely in hopes of regaining my voice through hypnosis (since I already had a most excellent shrink and now I have two). My voice eventually came back through other means, but I stayed on because of his kind, grandfatherly presence which I never had in real life.
So I closed my eyes and he set up a simple scenario where I met up with some people socially and just chatted. Hi, how are you? This is so and so. How do you like the art class? Etc.
Making small talk is totally foreign to me, because I am crippled with self doubt when I get together with people I don't know. So the calming hypnosis thing was nice. It did calm me down a lot and I felt better afterwards. And zen-shrink didn't even laugh at me when I managed to zip my hair into my winter coat and couldn't move my head, as I was leaving. Surely a sign of a decent human being.
Afterwards I headed out to the store. When I drove there it was sunny. When I walked out, it looked like the final scene in "The Shining" (i.e., a freakin', blinding blizzard). I was a little freaked out about driving in it, since I'm afraid to drive in the snow, which, by the way, is the sole reason I moved from California to New York 12 years ago tomorrow...just to challenge my snow driving abilities.
So that's my day, thus far. My diaryland entry yesterday got the highest number of hits ever. Not sure why. The excessive use of the word penis...somebody is stalking me...people are really, really, really bored at work, but thanks for dropping in. Guess I should start charging admission. Food stamps only last so far each month folks.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty