2003-11-22 @ 1:08 p.m.
|So I've been thinking about the two nude art models I've seen in the last two weeks at my figure drawing class. How do they do it? Just whip off that robe and get up on that podium and strike poses. What confidence!
I was thinking about it last night and thought...I could do that! I'm kind of an exhibitionist.
So I stripped down and got in front of my mirror and arched my back and stuck out my little 45 year old boobies and... And, well, it wasn't exactly like the 21 year old goddess on Wednesday.
Maybe I could do some more of the dramatic poses like theirs. Maybe the discus hurtling pose. So I planted my feet into the beige carpet, twisted my torso to the right and flung my arms dramatically skyward.
OUCH! That freakin' hurt.
And then I just stood there staring at my slightly plump body. Sometimes the artists there just concentrate on certain parts of the body. So I wouldn't have to necessarily have to twist myself into a pretzel to be captured for posterity on a sketch pad.
Of course I really had to back myself up to the part where I dropped my robe.
Holy Freaking Cow! What the fuck am I doing standing naked in front of a bunch of people?
OK, there was a tiny bit of a turn-on involved here. I've done other things that were a little questionable. Like maybe not something a soccer mom would do.
I have photographed myself nude.
Whoops, did I really say that? Well, yeah. I used to be a very active photographer when I was in my twenties. I've had about 30 photos published and my work has hung in museums, so its more than just pictures of my cat.
The photos were tasteful. I've never showed anyone, but boy was that guy down at the drugstore ever helpful when I used to pick up my film every week.
Oh did I tell you about my video career?
Oh geeze, this is so embarrassing. Me and Paris Hilton. Except I was alone for my video.
My Dad had loaned me his video camera one weekend. I had taken film making and television production classes in college. For some reason my classmates used to always put me in charge of our productions and I never knew why. Guess it was because even though I was shy, I would come alive with a camera in my hand. I loved writing and directing people.
So I had really enjoyed shooting stuff around my apartment. I filmed my living room. I had filmed my kitchen. I filmed my bedroom. I filmed the outside of my building. I filmed my neighborhood. I filmed my car. I filmed my cat. Wow...lets see, what else can I film. Hmm?
Next thing I know, I'm setting the camera up on a tripod at the edge of my bed and diving onto the sheets for my first starring role in "Orgasms -- the Home Edition".
What's weird about all this is that I had absolutely no reservations about doing this. Filming myself in the throes of passion. It seemed absolutely ok at the time.
Yeah, I guess there's reasons I'm in therapy.
So afterwards I put the videotape in the VCR and watched it. I was such a consummate video director, I had even had music playing in the background while I was filming it. Yeah, call the MTV Music Video Award Nominating Committee.
So I watched it. I can't act worth shit and had done a little hamming during the climatic moments. Seeing my chubby body writhing was a little difficult. Think Rush Limbaugh doing the Macarena. And then there was my face during the moments of supposed passion. Oy. I looked like Queen Elizabeth taking a whiff of bad cheese.
So that was my first and last attempt at a career as a porn star.
But I am still fascinated with the naked thing. I am especially fascinated with my breasts. I think about them and touch them way too much. Its the first thing I do in the morning. Touch the boobies. Not sure why. I truly like the girls.
And I am truly convinced that my nipples are wired to a different location than my brain. They are almost perpetually erect. Its like my brain is thinking...how I am I going to pay my bills, is my car going to make it through the winter, and my nipples are fantasizing about meeting Johnny Depp in a closet.
So I guess for now, I will just pose nude for my cat. She enjoys it. She really likes the discus throwing pose...especially when I fall to the floor in excruciating pain.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty