2004-03-28 @ 4:06 p.m.
don't let bipolars snort fixatives

I guess I was just reacting to a really crummy week last week. Your body can just take so much crummyosity before it shuts down and refuses to go on.

I did go to a brunch on a lake this morning with my mom. She'd been bugging me for weeks, and this coupon she has expires in another couple of days. I actually slept in until almost 10, and thought I was supposed to leave HERE at 10:30, but I was supposed THERE at 10:30. But hey, I was sick, what do you expect?

Had to climb back into Alf's icky car. The piece of shit car I'm selling actually looks like a jaguar compared to his old Mustang which is incredibly rusty with pieces hanging off it. Truly of trailer park quality...just like him. And now that I've driven it for one day I realize, it stops abruptly when you turn sharp corners. Oh goodie! Plus it smells odd, and the side mirror is all smashed with only a couple of jagged pieces still clinging to the edges of the plastic frame. So when I'm trying to change lanes, but all the cars behind me look like Salvador Dali paintings. In other words, the side mirror is useless.

And last night, I had a huge fight with my mother and I had told her I was bringing the car back to Alf today, because I didn't want any part of it. She said I was being unappreciative of his nice offer and was putting her friendship with him in jeopardy. I just told her, she didn't even have to say anything about our conversation and to just tell him I had decided that taking the bus was just fine.

I did end up calling a crisis hotline about 2 a.m. last night. I think it was just a combination of everything this week. Married Guy, Zenshrink, the Alf thing. And all this stuff has happened since I saw my shrink or had my group, so I haven't had anyone to talk to about it. And my mother is about as understanding as Donald Rumsfeld would be about an Iraqi war orphan wanting a sip of milk.

The lady on the hotline, whose name was Elizabeth, was very nice though, and we talked for about 10 minutes and I felt a lot better after I hung up. And fortunately I was able to get to sleep after that.

But it was nice having a car yesterday. I went and got my meds, and finally got to see my beloved Johnny Depp in "The Secret Window". I mean, who but Johnny Depp, could look so incredibly hot, stabbing someone with a screwdriver and still exude that devil-may-care rakishness, he maintains so easily?

I also stopped at our local art store and bought a new much needed sienna pastel which I have worn to a stub and I have finally invested in a fixative spray to coat my artwork with so they won't smear. I realize, I should save this last $50 in my bank account for something useful like say, GROCERIES!!! But I have been wanting to get some of this spray for quite a while, and it was only $7.49. So I've just been out in the yard spraying some of my art pieces with it today and I must say...woohoo! I think I just killed a few million brain cells! Am feeling pretty stoned! And this was out in the yard with a slight breeze blowing and a stuffed up nose!

No wonder artists are so weird. They're out tootin' their fixatives. And I can't even blame this chemical high for something I worked on yesterday. Whenever I get overwrought about something, I always head towards thoughts of sex. It's something I'm working on with "A". It has to do with the abuse I suffered growing up.

How overwrought was I yesterday? I laid in bed with my sketchpad and drew my vagina...in full color. And oh what a beauty it was. Not really sure what made me do that. Guess it was just kind of an experiment, to see if I could do it. I had set up a mirror between the headboard and the end of my bed and then well, got out the old sketchpad, and sketched. I added a few more colors than were already there, perhaps. Just to make it pretty. But I found it somewhat comforting to look it. It's more representational than scientific looking, but still pretty interesting.

I don't think'll be something I put in my portfolio or anything...Ah yes, this was when I was going through my vagina period..., but at least its something a little different. Just to show who I was in March 2004. And that certainly shows who I was all right. Yessirree!

Boy, am I stoned! I've been waiting for this guy to come look at the car all afternoon and if I inhale much more of that fixative, I may just end up showing him my "special" self portrait.

Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty