2004-04-26 @ 1:45 p.m.
|About 10 days ago we had a bit of nice weather and I had a reason to open the windows. Now granted I have screens, and its not real buggy out, but I soon realized that 4 hours of windows ajar meant I suddenly had an unwanted visitor. A SPIDER!!!!
Spiders are evil. I hate spiders with every fiber of my being. Did I mention spiders are evil? And where did this spider end up? Up in the corner of my bedroom over my computer. Gah!
We've watched each other wearily this past week. I wanted to kill him, but I was too lazy to hoist my ass up on top of my equipment laden desk, so I just thought, well I'll watch him to make sure he doesn't suddenly leap on my head like some caffeinated Peter Parker.
And fortunately he didn't. He would just slowly creep along the wall. Stick out his little spider tongue at me. Wrap himself in spidey webs every so often, sleep and then wake up the next morning, refreshed and ready for some more creeping. Not really sure what he was eating. There's no flies. I only have one plant in my bedroom, that has managed to survive my indoor gardening skills. Hmm.
Suddenly a couple of days ago he disappeared. Was I happy? Hell no!
A spider who is not visible, is a spider who may turn up in your bed.
That is a Confucius saying by the way. I found it in a fortune cookie.
That little eight legged freak was no where to be found. I looked everywhere. Where was he?
I started being very alert as I walked around my apartment. Would he suddenly leap off the large bookcase in the living room, and land squarely on my head, making me run around and scream like a girl, hitting at it, while it sunk its sharp spider fangs deep into my delicate temples?
Would I be in the bathroom raising my toothbrush to my mouth before realizing that there was this large yellowish spider raised in a defensive position, with its front 2 spider paws (?) ready to latch onto my lip and sting me to death with its venomous poison?
Or would I be on the couch, talking to my mom, and try to flick something that was lightly tickling my inner thigh. At first it would seem kind of pleasurable. Mmmmm. Kind of light and feathery. And then I would gently put my hand between my legs and brush at the tickle. Like yeah baby.
But then the tickle would be a touch too ticklish. And then I would look down. My God, its that fucking spider and its headed straight for the Garden of Eden! Ahhhhhh!!!!! Bad spider!!!!
But then last night, fortunately, or unfortunately, depending at how you look at it, that damn spider reappeared in my bedroom. Right above my computer. And it had a friend. Spider #2. Fuck!
Was this its girlfriend? Did Big Daddy Spider go down to the local Spider dive bar down on C Street and pick up some skanky 'ho spider (she only has 7 legs, since one of them got lost in a bar fight), get her drunk, bring her back to my apartment, have nasty spider sex somewhere on the premises and then decide to cohabitate without even paying anything towards my rent?
So I was sitting at my computer. Big Daddy Spider was directly above my computer monitor looking down at me acting all wise ass. Like ha, ha, I can hang upside down from the ceiling and pick up spider chicks at the bar and you can't. And then Little Skank Spider 'Ho #2 was just over my right shoulder, up by the ceiling, blowing kisses to Big Daddy Spider.
Hi, Spidey baby!
And I was getting really annoyed. Two spiders getting the best of me. And here I was about 3000 times larger than they were. And this was my house. And they weren't contributing anything towards the rent, and as far as I could tell, they weren't really cutting down on the insect population any, and they were really starting to get on my last nerve, so I went and got a magazine, got up on my desk and abruptly ended the MISGUIDED AND LARGELY UNFULFILLED lives of Big Daddy Spider and Little Skank Spider 'Ho #2.
I only hope that their night of nasty spider sex didn't leave behind some large sack of 12,000 baby spider eggs somewhere.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty