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2004-06-15 @ 11:25 p.m.
appreciating yourself - a new cult - how weird

My long lost birthday presents finally arrived today. From February. Better late than never, right? My friend in Berkeley had been worried that they had gotten lost since she sent them Media Mail. And as those of us who do E-Bay knows, Media Mail is slower than a herd of turtles on clonopin.

But it was worth the wait. I got a nice 2004 date book with pictures of Ireland, the CD from ďO Brother Where Art Thou?Ē and a book of the art of Diego Rivera, one of my favorite artists. ďAĒ has a book of his work in his waiting room, and I had been eyeing it for a good year, but I had been good. No sticky fingers occurred. And I now have my own copy. Yay!

And it was certainly a day for date books. My support group person ďKĒ also gave everyone in our group datebooks of women artists today. Her partner runs a successful social justice graphics business and since its June and the years half over, he was getting rid of some excess stock. So now I have a total of three date books...the Ireland one, the Women Artist one, and a Witch one. Now all I need now is a DATE.

Anyone?

It was kind of a hard day in my womenís group though. Seemed like everyone was in the middle of some kind of crisis. I talked about the nanny thing. I still havenít called the guy about the position and I see ďAĒ in the morning and I know he will be pissed. I am just paralyzed with anxiety about all this though.

Of course Iím totally bypassing the part called...a simple call to a person about a job. Instead Iím mapping out the next 150 years. But thatís just me. Iím like that. Married Guy dropped me an e-mail this morning. He, of course, is a big part of my hesitation.

You do know that, right ďAĒ? Of course you do....duh.

So I just poured this all out to my group today...all the stuff I have been unable to express to anyone. Unfortunately they really werenít all that helpful. The group leader said, ďWell, it could be really great, or it could be really bad, or it could be just rightĒ and then smiled.

Sheesh...well why donít we just eat some tofu and sing Kumbaya too.

Sorry, but that really wasnít all that helpful. And then the lesbian chick said I looked really beautiful today. Well, thanks, but...can we get back to the regularly scheduled program. And then there was the oldest woman, who was taking notes, who probably just wanted to flog herself or buy us all presents so that we would love her more. Oh wait, she did that today. Flowers for all of us. Thanks ďRĒ but you shouldnít have. No really.

I do love my group though, despite my snarkiness here. But there are times when I get frustrated with them though. I guess we know each otherís shit so well, that we have become complacent in a way. If someone says this, Iíll say that. In one way its comforting, but in another, it can be downright irritating.

I think probably the most useful things about my group, aside from having to be accountable to a group of people each week, is something we do at the end of our session. Its called Appreciations. No matter how shitty youíre feeling, you have to come up with something you appreciate about yourselves and then usually something you appreciate about either the group, or somebody next to you or across from you or whatever we have time for.

And you definitely donít want to say, ďAww, I suck!Ē, because then you will be pounced on by 5 over-zealous women who want to tell you how wonderful you are, and usually when youíre feeling less than wonderful, you really donít want to hear that shit, right? And I have been ambushed on that several times over the last few years. And being group hugged against your will can be pretty damn infuriating, so I always try and make sure I come up with something really wonderful each week, even if its something like, ďI didnít go on a killing spree this week.Ē

I, of course, try to make my appreciations creative. I donít want to just say, ďI look good in avocadoĒ, since nobody does. So I try and think of off-beat stuff like, ďI like when I pull up next to another car blasting rap music, and I turn up my Broadway music even louder and make some gangsta turn and look at me.Ē hee-hee. yeah, Iím a crazy bitch.

So I was thinking...Iíve been on diaryland for almost a year, and Iíve been letting you guys read for free, but I thought it would be cool to charge admission just for one day. Now, you donít have to get your wallets out or anything (unless you want to buy my cat some Friskies or Prozac or something).

Price of admission? If you read this today, you have to drop me a note and tell me what you appreciate about YOURSELF. What is totally fab about you....

Are you delectable to look at? Can you sing like you belong on Broadway? Have you had 365 days in a row with no bad hair days? Are you kind to chipmunks? Do you have a screenplay in the drawer that belongs on the screen but you just havenít been able to ďdo lunchĒ with Jerry Bruckheimer yet? Does your cat REALLLLLLLLY like you? Does your checkbook always balance? (count me out on that one) Were you the first person on your block with a Flock of Seagulls haircut? If Michelangelo was alive today would he want to sculpt you in the nude? Do you give Good Link? Have you ever won any awards besides Office Assneck? Have you ever bowled a 300? Painted a masterpiece? Gave birth to a genius? Made love like a porn star? Passed a law in Congress? Saved a life? Helped a friend? Stopped a crime? Voted democrat? Made progress after 25 years in therapy?

No matter how much you love or hate yourself, everyone has something theyíve done that is admirable and worth mentioning....honest!

As for myself, what can I say. I look really good for my age. 46? No way. I could pass for late 30ís. Talents?

Writing... Iíve had writing talent since I first discovered it in 6th grade. I was always the star in all my writing classes. Never got less than an A in any English class. Always kicked ass.

Art...

Iím coming along. Iíve just started painting and drawing in the last 6 months. I think I have some ability, and I definitely have a passion for it. And passion is really important when youíre pursuing something you love.

And Humor... Inbetween suffering from depression, I have experienced vast pockets of sheer daffiness. I like humor. I like comedy. I can quote Austin Powers ad naseum. And I think humor has helped me cope with a life that has been less than perfect from the get-go. If I didnít have comedy, I wouldnít be here...literally.

So, thatís your assignment. Whatís good about you. Drop me a line. Donít be afraid. Weíre all worth something...letís hear about it!!

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