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2004-06-25 @ 10:16 p.m.
how dr. phil might help the teletubbies

I did absolutely nothing today. Never got dressed. Only peered out from under the blankets until almost noon, where I listened to the air conditioning unit next to my bedroom go on and off about 300 times. And what was weird was that our high today was only 59 degrees. Why was the A/C operating on a day that nearly warranted sweaters? Donít you guys have an on/off switch somewhere, so that the girl next door, who is having a bad decade day, can have some peace and quiet from the incessant roar of this ozone destroying machinery?

I finally opened one of the cans of soup from the food pantry for lunch. It was some brand I had never heard of...Three Mile Island Chunky Beef Soup. The can looked really old and when I emptied it into the pan, instead of pouring like soup it kind of landed like a chunk of Alpo Dog Food. But I was hungry, so I turned on the gas.

I also put together my daily tuna sandwich, which Iím sure if you turned the lights off, I would glow in the dark because of all the mercury and phosphates that tunas have passed onto innocent sandwich eaters. Oh wait, weíre not innocent. We caught them in gill nets and killed them, so we could make sandwiches. Bad humans.

The soup quickly boiled and instead of becoming liquefied, it still thunked into my bowl. Hmmm. And then I realized why. It was the worst freakiní soup I ever tasted in my entire life. It tasted like carrot and beef shaped paste. And I also knew why somebody had given it to the food pantry. It was unfit for human consumption and made my stomach gurgle the rest of the day.

And also, at this late hour, I have a really bad pain under my left rib, so I figure the tunas and the Chunky Beef crew are probably conspiring to jump out of my rib cage a íla ďAlienĒ.

Got the freak on mid-afternoon. Achieved orgasm, but when youíre depressed, its kind of like...Oh, an orgasm, what time is Dr. Phil on...

I then flipped around on my TV. I donít have cable so thereís not much flipping. Three network channels...all with overwrought soap operas unfurling and then I found PBS. And Teletubbies!

I figured since I am going to be watching kids soon I should at least know about things like this but I found this show realllllllllly weird. Four asexual blobby things jumping up and down on a flowery hill with television screens in their stomachs. Huh--what? Did I accidently take my meds twice today?

And then they have this really high pitched cheerful burbling sound they make, which I figured if you recorded it and played it backwards, would probably be Shakespeare in Lithuanian.

And then all of their scenes were intercut with real life footage of children jumping. Jumping on the street. Jumping in stores. Jumping in classrooms. Jumping in playgrounds. Jumping off ledges...oh wait, that was me. And then there was this strangely erotic footage of children jumping underwater. I was like, why is this so exhilarating? Maybe I want to be in the pool jumping too.

And then I got temporarily worried when they had a quick cut to the Teletubbies who were all giggling and whispering. Like, wow, this is kind of erotic to us too. But that passed quickly and once again there was that burning need to JUMP. So they started jumping again, and then there was a shot of some bunny rabbits and guess what they were doing? Jumping!!!!!!!!!

And then suddenly I realized I was up on top of my couch, making cheerful incoherent burbling sounds and JUMPING and JUMPING AND JUMPING! Like Wheee!!! Wheeee!!!! Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lets see if I can touch the ceiling, La La....

Ok, it didnít quite happen like that. That was more the John Lennon/Yoko Ono We Just Smoked Pot version. I was really just laying on the couch with the cat on my chest. And then suddenly the show ended abruptly with them getting trapped in a mine shaft or something. OK, they just disappeared down this hole, but it was really sad.

And as I was watching the credits, there was actually a credit for a WRITER, and I was thinking, man, that must be such an easy gig. Writing incoherent burbling for 4 asexual blobby things. Why canít I get that job? I would be so great at that.

La La: BurbleBurbleBurbleBurbleBurbleBurble

Tinkywinky: BurbleBurbleBurble(cough)BurbleBurble

(general merriment and bunnies hopping)

La La: Burble?

Tinkywinky: Burble Burp!

(general merriment and bunnies hopping)

And then an overhead shot of the Teletubbies sniffing the flowers on the hillside, which upon closer examination, actually look a lot like Opium poppies.

La La: BurbleBurble.....Duuuuuuuude!

And then they all jump in the hole together and we can only hear this muffled laughing and a call for munchies as the credits roll.

I then turned the channel and there was the ultimate Teletubbie, Dr. Phil. You have to admit, if he was fitted with a purple fur suit, heíd look a lot like one of this little guys (what are Teletubbies anyways? Boys or girls? I was stumped. They even jumped asexually). Todayís show was about addiction. Opium poppies, anyone?

One chick was addicted to vicodin, one to ephedra, and one older woman was addicted to sex. Finally a Dr. Phil show I can relate to. Dr. Phil beat the hell out of the first couple. Totally pistol whipped the husband verbally. I thought he was going to start crying...and he wasnít even the one with the addiction. The second guest was so emotionally delicate, that the Philster HAD to be nice to her and offer to pay for her therapy for the next twenty years (hey, maybe I should write Dr. Phil). And the woman addicted to sex? Well, in her little filmed intro, it had her picking up a cute guy in a Mall for a quickie. The way they filmed it though, made her look totally sleazy, and the graphic under her personage said, ďIíve slept with 200 menĒ. Yikes!

She was actually the most compelling of the three and the filmed intro certainly did her an injustice. She had been molested as a child and felt that the only time she felt powerful was when she had sex.

This was actually the first Dr. Phil Iíve watched all the way through. And even though he appears obnoxious and snide on other shows like Letterman, he really wasnít that bad today. I might just watch him again....right after I donít watch the Teletubbies.

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