2004-07-17 @ 8:46 p.m.
|Man, you ever just want to take an uzi and take out a bunch of innocent bystanders, except for maybe Democrats and Aquarians. Grrrr. Me in Bad mood. That BOGO (i.e., the Buy One Get One Free kleenex purchase from yesterday) has already been pressed into action. Unfortunately, I'm not able to just lash out and yell at people, I just cry like a little girl. And if crying were an Olympic event, I'd definitely be in contention for a medal.
And Kleenex would probably sign me to endorse their product.
Witty, purveyor of all that is Kleenex. Crying...weeping...honking into paper products. It would be so freakin' glamorous. And then when I went back to my twenty-fifth high school year reunion in the near future, people would be whispering and pointing as I passed them by saying...its Witty the Kleenex girl, you know the one who is always weeping and blowing her nose. Do you think she'll give us an autograph?
Ya know, sometimes you just have to reach for the stars.
And speaking of which, I went clothes shopping with my mom. Scratch that. It was actually closer to...watching my mom shop for clothes while trying not to look bored.
Our departure was delayed of course, because I had flung myself across her bed, with her cats looking on in terror, weeping. She did finally give me a Xanax (YAY!!!) and I did finally get things under control. Its so coool having a mom that suffers from mental illness too. You get to share drugs.
Once the drugs took affect, I finally walked zombie like out to the Honda and she took me to lunch. I didn't really want to go, because I always feel guilty when people spend money on me, so I just ordered a bowl of chili. She had a bowl of French Onion with a glob of cholesterol on top, about which she complained naturally. She also complained about the music at Ruby Tuesday's, which was waaaay too loud. And it wasn't written in the 1940's either, dammit!
After lunch, she drove the car to her store, and I merely walked through the Mall to get there. Tomorrow is a big picnic for her favorite radio station and she wants to look stylin' for her 70+ friends. She also wanted to buy me a shirt and kept pulling out boxy oversized shirts with horizontal stripes and I kept saying:
No mom, I don't like horizontal stripes. I don't need to emphasize my stomach in any way, thank you. I guess she wants me to look like her tomorrow. Yeah, I totally want to boogie down with Bert the retired insurance guy and Bertha the church lady with my horozintally striped shirt. Yippie!
I'm going because there's FREE FOOD. Period.
I was actually thinking of wearing something really slutty, like my biker tank top and my new tight hip hugger jeans that really show off my audacious ass. Think of all the pacemakers I'll make go kerflewie!!
Now Witty, you know the recent problems you've had with bad boys taking off their clothes in your presence, and boys trying to put their hands between your legs and therapists doing nasty things with their hands. You mustn't invite these things now.
So maybe I'll just wear a pinafore...with no underwear! I'm kidding!!! I'll be good. I'm too cranky to be naughty. In my current mood, I'm probably more likely to snark at some old dude for giving me a compliment, than to show any kindness.
So my mom finally ended up with three shirts. And its funny, what I really need and I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to buy me anything is a new pair of sandals. The sole of my one sandal is nearly broken in half. I've been hoping to make it last through the summer, but I don't think its going to make it.
Afterwards we made an unannounced visit to my uncle's house. I haven't seen him since his son's wedding last July. He's a really cool uncle. He works really hard with two jobs, and my aunt has MS and they are raising one of their grand daughters as their own, but he has a killer sense of humor.
Last year at his son's wedding he "choreographed" an entire number with his sons to the tune of Hawaii Five O's theme song. The choreography included surfing on imaginary surf boards at this snooty wedding hall, and then wiping out and falling on the ground in their tuxedoes, and rolling around like beached whales. It was freakin' hilarious and totally undignified, which made it even better.
So we chatted for a while. Hadn't actually been to his house in probably about six years. Got to meet his three cats, Scout, Tubby and I can't remember the third one, because she was too scared to come out. He's also feeding three feral kittens out in his garage. Their mother just got hit by a car this week. He was really upset because he's been feeding her for over a year.
But the best part, was my chance to meet his pet ferret Gunther. Oh my God, I am totally in love. They are so freakin' cute! His grand daughter brought it up from the basement. My mom was terrified naturally, because she's afraid of mice and thought that a ferret would look like a mice. (me rolling my eyes).
But Paige brought it up, and I petted it and then she put it on the floor and it just ran helter skelter all over the kitchen and bathroom. It even ran up and smooched with one of the cats, who totally ignored it.
But you know what? I want a ferret. Can I have a ferret? Pretty please? I wonder what my cat would think of having a little ferret brother? I think she likes being an only child. Kinda like me. The funniest part was when it made a dash for the front door and my uncle put his foot out to stop it and skittered backwards, tripping over its own fuzzy hotdog body, in a most comical manner.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty