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2004-08-29 @ 9:45 p.m.
two pussies in one house. Its really quite enough

Remember when you were in grammar school and for punishment you used to have to write: ďI will not talk in classĒ 100 times? Well, for me, today, it would have to be:

ďI will not buy the batteries for my vibrator at the Dollar StoreĒ.

Ok, the sex toys in the wittykitty house get a pretty good work out. Ok, its pretty close to a daily work out. Ok. It is a daily work out, now that Iím feeling better. Unfortunately, I have been experiencing what I guess could be described as a battery malfunction. I mean, how much energy could a little purple vibrator use? Its not like Iím powering up Madison Square Gardens for the Republican Convention. Let me explain.

Alot of these batteries donít seem to be working right out of the package. It usually goes like this. Iíll rip open the Dollar Store Batteries. The Energizer bunny brand kind. Iíll take out the old ones. Put in the new ones. But then that is where I make my mistake. Just when Iím laying there in hot sultry anticipation, Iíll flip on Big Ed (my vibrator), and save for a few fluttery vibrations, like the last breathes of a dying hamster, theyíll be dead. The batteries I JUST BOUGHT at the Dollar Store. Fruck.

So Iím starting to wonder...is it the batteries or am I living near some random tear in a reality continuum...a place where positive ions and negative ions intermix freely, where electricity equals macaroni, where Michael Moore is happy or where batteries may or may not work, depending on whether the Moon is in Aquarius.

Or maybe the batteries are just magnetically opposed to my personality. It has been suggested by several people, that Iím a rather negative person. I thought I was just being ironic.

My one friend in California berated me on the phone this weekend, because I told her I never win at lottery tickets. She said you just have to step up to the lottery ticket machine and say, ďIím going to win!Ē And I said, ďI do, but the last 325 times Iíve put a dollar into the lottery machine Iíve only won once. And that was only a dollar scratch-off. How can I be positive after Iíve lost 324 times?Ē

ďYou just have to say youíre going to win!!!!Ē

Positive people make me itch.

And then I also have a theory about the fact that my vibrator batteries are in close proximity to the air conditioning unit from hell. After all...Its large. Its ominous. And I think if I was a guy, it probably would have rendered me sterile by now. Its just a theory though.

So I am once again without any juice for the sex toys. I guess that might be an obvious cue to possibly line up a date with A REAL PERSON. One that doesnít require batteries.

...

...

...

Naw, thatís just the oppressive heat and humidity of a hot August night speaking.

And speaking of sex, I finally heard from Married Guy. I had written him a few days ago, worried because I have barely heard from him recently. I always get nervous and insecure when communications fall off, and that usually happens after we establish any kind of emotional closeness. And that had happened during our long ride home from the mountains back at the end of July. I think it scares him when I occasionally get under his skin, despite his best efforts to remain at armís length. I know I am worth knowing and loving. Now if I could only convince myself of that for somebody single.

And speaking of pussy... (yeah, I am truly the queen of great segues with a lust for Google hits), here are a few pictures of mine. Now donít get too excited. I mean, digital cameras are truly made for people like me. People who like to take pictures of their pussies, but donít like going to a Photomat, where some pimply faced teenager might possibly be ďtouchingĒ their photos, like they know they shouldnít.

So if you are offended by the great unclothed, you should probably look away or click to the next diary, because this is truly a picture of a naked pussy...

Yeah, if I get any cuter, the camera will break.

Its really just old fluffyhead/guardcat. She sleeps on the stereo next to the front door 23 1/2 hours a day and then works as a nude model the other 1/2 hour. Its a very lucrative career. We have to have some income in the house. Sheís very imposing and fierce as you can see. Kinda sends out a Grrr! Iím going to eat your children vibe, dont'cha think?

Look into my strange, hypnotic eyes. I will make you do horrible crimes, like go to the Dollar Store and buy defective batteries for your sex toys. And yes, I will eat your children, if you donít buy me cat food. Grrrr!

Two pussies in one house. Its really quite enough.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty

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