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2004-09-02 @ 10:21 p.m.
trying to figure out I wanna get laid guy thing

Well, life is good. Got 87 cents left in my purse. Only bounced one check in August (sorry AOL). Was able to cut a path through the swarm of gnats that have invaded my house to my phone to call my mom today to ask her if I could borrow $5 for food and cat litter. I know I’m a self centered bitch. Wanting food and all. But the call was really for my cat. It was her cat box. Or as we like to call it at our house...

THE MOST TOXIC SITE IN AMERICA

Sure, we had called Hazmatt. But they had refused to come. They didn’t have any suits strong enough to withstand the toxicity of the site (they were on loan for the Republican National Convention).

Poor kitty. I had been cleaning the turdlets out. Really! But it had been awhile since I had replaced the actual litter. It was that ground up pine cone kind. I was trying to be a earth-friendly hippy. Ground pine cones you know. But after a while, it started to break down from slim, trim pine cone pellets to something that resembled a lump of blobby old wet U-Haul boxes to something that looked like the cross section of the world’s biggest garbage dump. Or at least that’s how it smelled. So it was kind of like, hey kitty, lets start an organic compost heap right here in the middle of the house. Her: OK! Me: I’ll just take a spatula, and turn it over every day or so, and then we’ll spread it on the garden next summer. Whee!

Ha! I guess I didn’t anticipate that I would have to beat my way through a swarm of 3 inch gnats everytime I turned on the microwave.

So this morning I went to “A”s group. I felt a little better going into his office today. I think the anger thing was good to do on Tuesday, because I was able to get some things off my chest.

Group was all girls and the mysterious Paul. The Eight is Enough Dad guy was a no-show once again. He’s always late or having to leave early, so I guess it really doesn’t matter.

But having Paul there is fine for me. We usually talk. I usually start the conversation (yay me). We’ve hit upon a mutual admiration for film maker Michael Moore, so I usually mention something about him. This morning, I wondered aloud, if he was wearing a bullet-proof vest at the RNC. Paul laughed. But “A” has said, “no no” concerning him. I guess he is considerably younger than me (although he doesn’t look it, or maybe its just that I look FINE. Yeah, thats it. Cough). Anyways, he seems very hip intellectually, but is very, very nervous talking to me. His voice quivers. I feel bad. I’ve never made anyone’s voice quiver before. Hey, its just me...wittykitty. Chances are, I’m more terrified than you. You wanna split a clonopin?

Anyways...today’s subject? Goals for the coming months.

Damn, I hate that shit. Mine are usually the same: “Try not to stab your mother in the aorta”, “Be kind to squirrels...even though they have embarrassingly noticeable overbites” and “Don’t bitch-slap your shrink everytime he suggests that you shouldn’t be seeing Married Guy”...you know, things like that.

Fortunately, the question started with Paul. Our only guy. And what would HIS goals be?

“GET LAID!”

Well, was there ever any doubt there? The penultimate GUY answer, for any “what do you want to get out of life” question.

GET LAID.

Paul, Paul, Paul. I had so much hope for you. You seem incredibly bright intellectually. You like Michael Moore. You are sardonic when you talk. You are pursuing a teaching position at a major university (from what I gather).

GET LAID.

And then, as an almost embarrassed addendum, he added that some kind of relationship would be nice too. I guess other than a quicky with Sharma the wonder hooker. Sheesh!

And I really even question his response. It almost seemed like he HAD to say it because he was a guy. It was just the GUY thing to say.

GET LAID, the automatic response to all questions, regarding, male happiness. God knows, it couldn’t possibly be something like cuddling, or emotional intimacy, or walks on the beach or finishing up the quilt he’s making for his sister’s niece. How would that look to the women in the group? Not wanting to get laid? If he’s not getting laid, he should at least be watching NASCAR. damn sissy.

But I still like you anyways, Paul...even though you took my answer.

And again, with the double standards. Girls aren’t allowed to say that want to get laid. They can’t just blurt out that they want to GET LAID in mixed company. It just isn’t lady-like. I mean, probably at least half of the women in the group were probably thinking, yeah, that’s my goal too. Getting laid. But did anyone say that? Hell no. We just had to stick with the “Oh...a relationship would be nice. Walks on the beach would be nice. A valentine card made from my boyfriend’s first grade drawings of serial killers would be nice....”

I pretty much went the girly route with my answer. I just saw this incredibly wonderful movie called “Garden State” last week. Its about a guy, whose life is totally numb and on-hold until his mother dies and he has to come back to her funeral in New Jersey where he catches up with all his old school buddies, gets off a heavy mix of anti-depressives, prescribed by his father since age 9, and then he meets up with a quirky girl who opens up his life to all sorts of new and happy possibilities. Ones that he didn’t even know were possible.

What I really liked about the film, beside the delectable Zach Braff (from TV’s “Scrubs) and the incredibly funny and insightful script, is the fact, that him and his new girlfriend don’t hop into the sack the first five minutes after they meet. Their relationship evolves slowly, while they get to know each (like say, people in real life) and then they fall in love, and it isn’t til then that they finally sleep together.

Isn’t that how its supposed to be? No?

Well, that’s how I want it to be. Sorry. Maybe I should be living in the 1400’s. I would just like to get to know someone first, before we get to the bodily fluids part.

I’ve discussed this with “A” on many occasions, and unfortunately, he’s of the opinion, that if you aren’t in the sack by the second date, you’re history. Men just want to dominate like some giant omnipetant penis with opposable thumbs. And you had better be waiting on your Victorian fainting couch, other wise you’ll end up the old maid my mom has always predicted.

Oy! Some much pressure. So little satisfaction.

Why can’t I just be a character in a movie, where everyone is nice, and all the sex is beautiful and when the main character Andrew Largeman in “Garden State” is asked what his preference is...”Do you want a relationship with your new quirky girlfriend who has opened up your life and made you feel completely alive for the first time since you were a child, or do you want to GET LAID?” We wouldn’t even have to wonder for a moment what his reply would be. Because we would know...

We would just know that it wouldn’t be I WANNA GET LAID.

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