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2004-09-04 @ 11:03 p.m.
paraGOOGLEnoia. how to find what you're looking for, even if you're not looking

Ain't the internet great? I mean you have so much info right at your fingertips. And if you're like me (and you know you want to be), you’ll be able to stalk people without their knowledge look things up in the comfort of your own home.

You'll be able to follow the path of a hurricane and see if your sister's single wide mobile home in Florida is going to get sucked up in some horrific vortex and be deposited somewhere over Texas.

You can see how to say "I love you" in Celtic (I did that for Married Guy a year ago on St. Patrick's Day).

You can look at pictures of penises without the embarrassment of having to buy a magazine.

You can go to E-Bay and type in the word: HAPPINESS and see how many people are trying to sell it.

You can go to your high school web page and look at pictures of your old teachers and laugh at how you look like them now, and how much they now look like the two old Muppet guys in the balcony.

You can buy Frida Kahlo magnets.

You can play “Spank the Monkey”, complete with sound effects and disco music.

You can communicate with the government officials in the Philippines to find out where your Dad was buried because his stupid whore wife wouldn't tell you.

You can download songs from Broadway musicals.

You can talk to friends online and not pay long distance charges.

You can find the 857 slang words for masturbation (funny how there were more phrases for men, than woman. That was definitely an oversight, I think. I mean men masturbating more than woman? Pshaw!).

And then there is what I call "corporate spying". I only give it that name, so that it won't sound like I'm being nosy or stalkerish.

I like to type people's name on Google and Dog Pile, and see what comes up. It's fun. It's enlightening. Its....

WHAT THE FUCK IS MY NAME DOING THERE????

Ok. Don't forget....I may be the one and only awittykitty at diaryland, but there are others with my name on the Internet. I appear to share my name with some construction executive on Google. She has tons of stuff on the internet. Memos. Business plans. News Releases. There are like 230 listings for our name. But only one of them is mine. Thank God.

But even having one is a little disconcerting. And then I discovered a new one tonight. Somebody mentioned me by name...my actual name...in their blog. Ack! I nearly coughed up a pancreas when I saw it. I was like, how did they find that? I actually know, but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it now. So I have to chill. Besides Witty, they’re not spying on you or filming your comings and goings or anything. That was Nanny Guy’s house.

So tonight I was sitting typing in all my friend's names on Google.

"A"s name came up as a recording artist comparable to Tom Waits and a guy who builds boats. Well, I've heard "A" sing, or at least hum -- he does alot of it -- the humming thing, and I think I can definitively say, “A” does not sing, nor hum like Tom Waits.

I then looked up my gay friend in New York. According to the internet he also has a music career, is a soccer star and has his own newspaper column somewhere on the East Coast. Wow, he's busy. But then I forgot. I have to type in his full name in order to get his real identity. I then found him listed on a national internet site for show business folks. At least I know that's accurate. Although he does have a tricky name. His first and last name are interchangeable as a first name, so ol' Google got all googly and started spitting out his name in reverse too. So my friend was also listed as an early Pope. He's nice. He’s kind. He could be a pope.

I also typed in Married Guy's name. Well, he's kinda famous anyways. He has lots of listings. I won't go into why, but I got caught up on him and learned a few new things. At least there’s no new info about him being a serial killer, so that's good.

I think using Google as a gatherer of information on somebody you don’t know very well, or think you knew, but didn’t know at all, is also important.

Like Zenshrink, for instance. Had I taken a moment from my busy schedule, to type in his freakin’ name to Google I would have found that he had been in trouble with the state for being inappropriate with a female patient and losing his license about 5 years ago. The info was right at my fingertips, but dammit, I never thought to type his name into Google.

Now everyone goes into Google.

Tonight I typed in my new possible amour in my art class. He had quite a few listings and I patiently went through about 100 of them. Again...”K” the recording artist. How come everyone I type into Google is a recording artist except me? And then there was some genealogy stuff. He’s French? But does he like to French. And then I sincerely hoped the next listing wasn’t his. It was a criminal lawsuit for domestic violence. And it had the complete court papers outlining all the wife beating, chair throwing and bar brawling that this guy “K” had done.

“K”?

Naw, couldn’t possibly be him. He’s about on par with Woody Allen’s temperament in “Annie Hall”. Very low key. Shy. Turtle-like.

See how misleading this info can be?

But then as I was flipping through the various listings, lo and behold, I finally hit upon something that was definitely him. It was a news photo of “K” enjoying an outdoor concert. That’s something I could see him doing. Enjoying music. But then the space next to him was empty. The space where I should have been.

Him.

Me.

Me and him.

Gulp.

But then I would have had my name in Google three times...And that would have been too freakin' scary.

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