2004-11-29 @ 11:29 a.m.
Damn straight. Yeah! I'm actually 100% Aquarius since I'm born smack dab in the middle of February. Sure I have those other influences like Leo rising and Moon in Sagittarius, if you want to make yourself sound interesting in the middle of a bunch of pot smoking hippies who believe in astrology.
I finally saw the movie "Ray" today, and I have to be agreement with everyone on the fabulous performance of Jamie Foxx. Wow! Several times during his musical performances I had to smack myself in the head just to remember it was Jamie and not Ray that I was watching, because the physical resemblance and movements were so right on. I saw Daddy Ray perform once out in California and he was just the coolest. The musical performances in the film were very well directed, but the domestic ones, like with his wife, were pretty pedantic.
I was also somewhat undecided about the scenes with his mother. I couldn't tell if he resented her or loved her. And I don't think you can do both at the same time. The quick wrap up of the guilt over his brother's death seemed a little too pat. And I was also suspicious of his mother rubbing that goop in his eyes as a kid. Did she cause his blindness? Was it emotional? It just wasn't explained very well. I did like the performance of his girlfriend on the road though. She was able to make something out an under written role. Ray had more emotions with her than with his own wife. And even though it was on the verge of being hokey, I liked when their break-up became the genesis for the song "Hit the Road Jack". l love that song. Its so saucy!
Afterwards I got a quick taco and walked around the Mall for exercise. Just a warning for those who like Christmas, the next 25 days or so, you'll be hearing the most Grinch-like sounds coming out of wittykitty. I don't like Christmas. It's a long story really.
Christmas: The Early Years...a drunk dad passed out drunk on Christmas Eve, me wanting to open presents, my mom screaming at him, me crying and getting a Little Kid Ulcer, presents being kicked around, etc. etc. Never much Merry in Christmasland.
Christmas: The Present Years...Poverty. I have no money to buy gifts for anyone. I feel guilty. I have no one to share Christmas with. I mean, I have my mother, but she makes me feel guilty for just existing and sometimes we even end up in the emergency room if I don't give her enough attention, so its a no win situation.
So when I walk through the Mall and see all those happy people scurrying around with big armloads of presents....and the kids sitting on Santa's lap, looking all hopeful....and stores jammed full of stuff I can't buy because I can't afford anything, I always inevidibly fast forward ahead and think about how I will be spending my Christmas Eve...sitting with my mom opening 2-3 small gifts she bought at her senior citizen gift shop (usually something like extremely large 1970 hoop earrings or a lime green kitty sweater or something equally useless which has nothing to do with what I like or want) and I'll have to pretend like they are the best thing ever, since she is so sensitive that even the slightest ion of disdain (and I am the Queen of Disdain), will cause chest pains and imminent death.
Its not that I don't appreciate her situation. She is poor too. I just am sad that she doesn't know what I like. I am her daughter after all. She talks to me everyday. And yet she doesnít know my taste. And I wonder, why not ask? Why not, instead of spending $10 on three items I don't like and will probably give to Goodwill, take me down to the art supply store and buy me some new pastels. You do know I'm an artist, right? Ehhhh, not really sure on that one. I've now had 4 art shows in the last year and she has yet to go to any of them, even though I have told her well in advance. Every Wednesday she'll call me and say, "What'cha doing tonight?" Ummm, the same thing I've done for the last 52 weeks. Go to my drawing class. And she doesn't have Alzheimer's. She just has wittykittyheimer's.
So walking around the Mall seeing all the happy faces is always a little depressing for me. Today it reminded that I wonít be sharing Christmas with Married Guy this year (nor his birthday which is the day after). The last three or four years he had always invited me out to go cut down his Christmas tree with him and his kids (wifie never went...how surprising). We'd always go tromping out in some snow covered field and it would be like zero degrees, but Married Guy would always cut quite a dashing figure with his hack saw. The kids would be dashing around, looking for just the right tree, and he'd be singing, "Oh Tannenbaum" or "Over the River and Through the Woods". And even though I didn't particularly like Christmas, he would help me get into the spirit by generating some kind of sheer atomic Christmas radiation, which would almost make me smile.
Although I remember the first year I did the tree thing with Married Guy, I guess he didn't tell wifie I was going to be assisting with the decorating of the tree. So I was in their family room with kidlet, who, for reasons known only to kidlet, was squeezing around the back of the tree, making the whole thing shake and quiver and nearly knocking it over (it was tied to a nail on the wall since it was too big for the tree stand). Suddenly, wifie came in from the store, stood in the doorway, stared at the whole tree quaking from behind and Married Guy's groupie (me), standing there with a Christmas ornament in their hand, ready to hang it on the tree, and glared two anger fire holes into my head. It was obvious that she was totally pissed that I was decorating HER tree. And it worked. I felt both bad AND guilty. I just assumed Married Guy had told her I was going to be there and that I was INVITED. But evidently I wasnít.
I was then going to leave, because I felt so damn uncomfortable, but M.G. came in and was ho-ho-ho'ing and told wifie that I was staying for dinner and if THAT wasn't an uncomfortable dinner. Having a pissed Scorpio staring daggers at you.
fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. (gunshot) la!
So I guess you can say, enjoying Christmas with a family and tree, even if they arenít yours, isnít going to be in the cards this year. So moving onto presents. I know Christmas isn't about presents, but who doesn't at least want a shot at presents, right? It's pounded into our heads daily on television and donít even think about ignoring the 12 pounds of retail ads in the Sunday newspaper. So yeah, I want presents. Its been a hard year. I think I will still get a few, even without Married Guyís yearly Pass Go and Get a Free Massage gift, which I loved so dearly each year.
My friend down in Manhattan always sends good ones. Very good ones! Last year he sent me a DVD player. Of course it would have been better if we could have shared a moment while unwrapping it. Because actually sharing human contact with someone who just gave you a nice present in way better than just opening it by yourself at your friendís large, empty house sitting gig. But alas, heís in NYC and Iím up with the Canadian geese. And its ok. Iíll survive.
I also usually get a gift for ďAĒ no matter what my finances are. Heís really important to me and I try to think of things he might like or something I can make him. And heís really into Christmas. I remember once he took our entire group out to dinner, which was really nice and exceedingly generous of him. He also always gets me a small gift....usually a scented candle which I really like. So Iím trying to think what to do this year. Hey ďAĒ, ya want me to paint you a nude?
So walking through the Mall today, I was trying to think how Iím going to deal with all this for another month. The consumer mass mania we saw over the weekend, in my opinion, was driven by sheer guilt and the need to please people, but if youíre poor or you have no reason to look forward to Christmas you may not be able to. Sure, I can avoid the Mall, but the grocery stores are just as bad, and you canít turn on the television without being bombarded with commercials demanding that you buy a new Old Navy parka or a new Porsche 911 or a new diamond ring which will provide your wife with....Ēa lifetime of memoriesĒ (like their husbands wonít).
But I guess Christmas supposedly isnít about gifts. Can you tell Iím kind of flip flopping on the subject? I guess its because I donít really have a huge reserve of Happy Holiday Memories built up. My reserves probably wouldnít even register on a Happy Holiday Memories odometer. And besides Christmas is just too commercial. People are too stressed out. And are we forgetting its about the birth of Christ and not a X-Box? And how long can a gift truly even please a person, for all the rigamarole, searching for parking spaces, wrapping and sending things, it truly required? I mean a massage used to please me for an hour. And the sweater my aunt gave me last Christmas is still useful, but too big now that Iíve lost weight. And I totally lost those big hoop earrings my mom gave me...perhaps even on the way to my car.
This, by the way, doesnít apply to you ďGĒ, down in Manhattan. Your presents are awesome and thoughtful and I wouldnít want to deny you the pleasure of making me happy. :-)
So what do I want this Christmas this year? Well, world peace of course. But mostly love. And there has to be an airtight warranty with it. Ok?
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty