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2004-12-07 @ 11:47 p.m.
Pin the Yarmulke on the Mensch?


Youíll have to excuse me. Iím a little feverish. And Iím experiencing some unusual behavior. Ya see, I got a hepatitus B shot today. And have you ever noticed that they always give you the information sheet on what to expect from a vaccination shot AFTER they give you the shot?

They did start things out reassuringly, when they said, and I quote (ahem): ďGetting hepatitus B vaccine is much safer than getting hepatitus disease.Ē

REALLY? Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather on that one. And I thought I was getting pricked just for the thrill of getting pricked. I do like pricks after all. Right Married Guy? Its also a requirement for my new job...not liking pricks, although that may help in some cases, but getting vaccinated, because Iíll be hanging out with some people who might have diseases like this. Like ewww. Icky. Germs. Iím already in trouble, being one of those types who have to wash their hands if they touch a door handle and all. And now Iím going to be working with people who, if they cough on me, I can die. Yay!

But now Iím vaccinated against that, so if you want to give me a big, sloppy kiss about now, Iím ready...

But then I started reading a little further down on my little hepatitus B handout, and started seeing things that made me a little nervous. Like what if there is a moderate or a severe reaction? What should I look for? A high fever and unusual behavior. Well, after I had gotten home from the doctor I had been playing the piano and had gotten really hot. I had to keep taking layers of clothes off and when I went into the bathroom, my face was bright red.
WARNING, WARNING....YOU ARE GOING INTO AN IRREVERSIBLE COMA. CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY.


Of course, I hadnít read the warning yet, so I really wasnít sure why I was feeling so hot, other than I might be having some menopausal hot flash or I was playing the score to ďPippinĒ with way too much gusto.

And then the second thing....Unusual Behavior. Hmmm. I was wondering how would I ever be able to tell when I was engaging in Unusual Behavior, when most of my life is spent thinking people are following me and that married men are in love with me.

I had had a fairly busy day, starting out with my weekly appointment with the ever stumongous ďAĒ. He is determined for me to have a merry christmas even if it kills him. And it may. Because for the second week in a row he has asked me what Iím doing for Christmas. Me: Burning down the shopping mall? Running over Santa when heís on a smoking break? Him: No, youíre going to ask someone out.

I guess he must have gotten a hepatitus shot too, since he was displaying some really unusual behavior, as in expecting me to ask someone out on a date. So I agreed with him. Of course agreeing with him, only implies that he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and said, ďGood, Iím glad you agree with meĒ while Iím grimacing and shaking my head vigorously in the NO direction. Thatís how we make all our agreements, right "A"?

(Those Aries men are so persuasive!)

He wants me to nail the guy in my art class. The shy one. Unfortunately he hasnít been there much lately, and thereís no guarantee heíll be there before Christmas, plus, as I pointed out, he may be Jewish and doesnít celebrate Christmas to which ďAĒ replied, ďWell, today is Hanukkah, so maybe you can celebrate THAT with him.

I know that today is Hanukkah. I had been invited to a Hanukkah party in NYC over the weekend. I really wanted to go, but had no way to get there and back in time for work Monday. I had been to a seder once with a Jewish boyfriend back in the 80ís but I HAD wondered what you might do at a Hanukkah party. I mean I know my friend's party would have been ultra-cool, because it was high class and in Manhattan, but what about those venues out across the Queensboro Bridge? Maybe a little Spin the Dreidle or Pin the Yarmulke on the Mensch? Am I right?

I had been to a naughty bachelorette party once, where we had played Pin the Penis on the Giant Man...maybe just slightly different from the yarmulke and mensch thing. Our lovely hostess/future bride/future mayor of her town had drawn a giant man on a piece of butcher paper, and then drew a bunch of little penises on little pieces of paper. And then all of her female guests were blind-folded, twirled around three times (although some of them were already drinking and probably didnít need to be twirled) and were sent down this hallway with their little penises until they smacked into the door. And then they had to figure out where the penis was located by memory. Of course, people of varying heights and sobriety had different ideas where the penis went and it was fucking hilarious where some of them ended up...like on the forehead and on the knee and one even went on the earlobe, like some kind of exotic penis earring. Very few women got the penis in the right place. I took pictures of the proceedings. Ha! Blackmail pictures.

Actually the blackmail pictures came later. I have a picture of my friend (a.k.a. the future mayor of her town) holding a fold out Playgirl picture of a naked man in one hand and a huge dildo in the other. Too bad I wasnít running against her in a political race. They would be perfect blackmail photos. Of course, I donít know if anyone got pictures of the ďparty gameĒ that I won. heh. Umm. hee. I won the party game where you got blindfolded, put a banana in your mouth and were timed to see how fast you could put a condom on it.

Ya know, we all have our special, secret talents and I guess that one was mine.

Is it hot in here? Naw, Iím just having a reaction to my hepatitus B shot. Yeah, thatís it.

The rest of my day was pretty mundane. Did my laundry at a nicer laundromat than usual out by ďAĒs office. Didnít have to flick pubic hairs off the washers as usual, which was nice. Finally got my food stamps, so I plowed through the yuppie grocery store and loaded up on some much needed groceries. Made my usual stop in the health food section to sample their organic hand creams. I love that stuff. I think Iíve used up most of their tester. I just canít see spending $13.99 for a small bottle of hand cream when I can get a free sample everytime I come to the store, right?

I really miss getting worked over with massage oils. I have really dry skin and I really liked how silky and soft I felt after massages. Iím such a girly girl in that respect. If I ever won the lottery one of the first things I would do would be buy a day long beauty session in a spa. You know...go get a massage, get slathered up in creams, get a facial, get a manicure and a pedicure and a head-a-cure (oh, thatís ďAĒs department), listen to relaxing music, have someone wax my eyebrows (I used to have that done when I had disposable income). Just get pampered like a Hollywood movie star.

I remember a couple of years ago, even though I was on disability, I sprung for a facial on my birthday. It was so damn decadent of me, since it was almost $50 and I was living on like $300, but hell, you only live once and birthdays are really important. That was the day Married Guy gave me the birthday card with ďI love youĒ written on it. But I missed his visit to my apartment because I was out getting my facial. I think Iím glad now that I missed it, because I donít know how I would have reacted, if I had seen that in front of him. Reading it alone that night, it had actually made me a little angry...like ďwhy are you writing this to me....youíre married.Ē

But I guess I donít have to worry about that anymore. That lurvve thing. Nope. Got rid of that all right. That perhaps is the only good part about being alone at christmas. Less presents to buy. And more money to spend on people who really matter....and you know who you are.


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