2005-01-28 @ 12:28 a.m.
Since I’m such a major exhibitionist and needing some love tonight, I decided to post a Second One Hundred Things List. Ok, pipe down. Don’t get all excited. I’m just bored because there was a huge ice storm out today and it looks like the deck of the Titanic off my front porch so there’s nothing to do. So here it is, without much further ado:
1). Since my birthday is two days before Valentine’s Day, I have always been presented with heart shaped cakes my whole life. I guess that was a good thing. It could have been worst, I could have been born on Ground Hog’s Day and gotten cakes shaped like giant rodents.
2). Ed Sullivan once stepped off a golf course and shook my hand when I was a little kid. It was 1964 and he said, “Kid, you’re shaking the hand that just shook the hand of the Beatles. Smile!” (I didn’t though, because he was scary looking).
3). I wish I was as incredible as my cat thinks I am.
4). I was without a speaking voice for almost 8 years.
5). I was once in a plane that was struck by lightening. Maybe that’s WHY I’m afraid of flying.
6). I eat yogurt every day of my life.
7). I like saying the word “epiphany”. I only wish I’d have one.
8). I’m Aquarius with my Moon in Sagittarius and Leo Rising.
9). I used to be obsessed with the movie “Cabaret” and would walk around telling people I was “divinely decadent” ...even though I wasn’t.
10). The first professional theatre production I ever saw was “Pippin” in San Francisco. My Dad was nice enough to get me seats in the front row and I could see Ben Vereen sweating. I was thrilled.
11). Before I go to bed, I make sure that all scissors and knives are put away. Why? Because I’m afraid somebody will break into my house and stab me in the middle of the night. Is this rational? No...heh, heh....I am the wittykitty!
12). I have trouble making female friends.
13). I’ve also never gotten along with any female boss I’ve ever had. But male bosses? Pretty good track record.
14). Best Orgasm? Probably my first -- straddling the bath tub faucet. Water power, baby!
15). Masturbated in public? You bet’cha. Fear of discovery makes it even more exciting.
16). I used to work in an office with 3 smokers and hated their smoke so much I used to bury my nose in a rosemary sachet I brought from home. Rosemary is my favorite scent. I find it very calming.
17). I used to scream in my car on the way to my stressful job in California.
18). I love to hike.
19). If I wasn’t so shy, I would have pursued a career in stand up comedy.
20). I’ve submitted over 250 stories to newspapers and only had one rejected. The one story rejected was a satire called Vend-a-Shrink about a vending machine that gives out psychiatric advice in a New Age health food store. I thought it was pretty funny, but they didn’t evidently.
21). I sold the very first abstract painting I ever did. I think it was a fluke though.
22). I used to judge comedy competitions in California.
23). I once waited on Robin Williams in a store.
24). I went to college with Robin Williams. That Robin Williams was a girl though. She went on to write a very popular series of books about Mac Computers. She used to breast feed her son in our class.
25). My Dad once crash landed a plane and saved everybody’s life.
26). I still have a videotape that I took of my Dad before he left for the Philippines, but I am unable to look at it. Too painful. I don’t think I will ever be able to look at it.
28). I used to have this doll that had a speaker in her stomach. You played a record on a record player nearby and the voice would come out her stomach. It was weird. Her name was Susie Serenade.
29). I used to run a small department store out of my playhouse. I’d steal stuff from the kitchen and then sell it to the neighborhood kids.
30). My first crush was on Bob Gonzales, my swimming teacher. I used to ride my bike down to the pool and just wait to get into the pool with Bob. I liked how he cradled me when I was learning to float.
31). I once got chased 2 blocks down the alley by a Boxer when I was a kid. When I finally got to my yard, I jumped off my bike and climbed up our avocado tree. The dog finally wandered away.
32). I then got bit in the ass by a Doberman Pinscher when I was a teenager. He wouldn’t let go until his owner came out of her house and said, “HALT! Gunther!”
33). I’m afraid of dogs, unless they’re well trained and/or nice.
34). My mother used to tell me she picked me off the fruit tree in the yard.
35). My second crush was Mike Safrette. He was a little closer to my age. We had our first “date” when he invited me over to his house to “jump on his trampoline”. Rest assured, we were only 8 years old, so we only truly jumped on his trampoline.
36). I met Married Guy through a gift certificate.
37). Even though I’m not religious, I find walking in the woods very spiritual.
38). One day in high school, my friends and I created this fictitious club called N.S.S. The National Sarcasm Society. It was kind of the anti-club...the cure for all the phony baloney clubs that had their pictures in the year book. I was the president of course. Membership requirements were stringent however....
39). In my junior year, I ran around to all the club photo shoots for the yearbook and got my picture taken with them. I didn’t even belong to any of them. It was fucking hilarious. heh, heh.
40). I was in “Who’s Who in American High Schools”. yeah, who knew, huh?
41). I really want to go to M.O.M.A. for my birthday.
42). I’m more outgoing and flirtatious with men who aren’t available then men who are, so if there are any men out there who are interested in dating me, please tell me you’re married, ok?
43). Please don’t ask me about 42. I have no idea why. “A”?”
44). I have a small crush on my shrink.
45). I was always afraid of Santa Claus. I guess because my parents used to use him for behavior modification...you know,“He knows you when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”. I was in constant fear that he was looking at me somehow.
46). I like being flawed. It’s so much easier than being “normal”, because you don’t have to come up with lame excuses for what really amounts to human nature.
47). I love water. Pools, hot tubs, oceans, rivers. I’ll stick my toe in anything wet.
48). All spiders must be destroyed immediately and I don’t care how it affects the ecological balance of all things bug-like.
49). I think getting my ass massaged is the best thing in the entire universe.
50). Everytime I hear the song “It had to be you” I cry.
51). If I could somehow capture every tear I’ve ever shed in therapy the last 30 years, I could probably fill an Olympic sized pool.
52). Conversely, if I could somehow reconfigure the Kleenex I’ve honked my nose into, into some kind of building material, I could probably build a new 300 home subdivision in South Florida.
53). I’m really good at sexual double entendre.
54). I can pick up change with my toes. So can my brother. I think its genetic.
55). Nothing is more thrilling to me, than sitting in a theatre waiting for a play to start, especially a musical.
56). I can listen to Billie Holliday sing forever.
57). I did the “Big Hair” thing back in the 1980’s, and when I look back at the pictures, I shake my head and say, “WHY?”
58). If someone likes me I usually can’t figure out why, even if they are specific.
59). I know I have talent, but I can’t take compliments from other people because it might possibly validate the truth, and then I’d have to accept it.
60). Ok, this is embarrassing, especially since I’m sure you all think I’m so glamorous and all. It was the first day on a job in a little retail store. The day was going really well until I went into the bathroom, and unexpectedly gave birth to a poop-turd about the size of California Redwood tree. And that sucker was hard. (think Hope Diamond). It took about 10 minutes to come out. I thought the worst part was over, until I tried to flush it. That was when damn thing got lodged in the toilet and the water started rushing over the top and spilling onto the floor. This was at a bookstore and there were boxes of books piled all over the bathroom floor. I was mortified. Fortunately there was a plunger nearby and I started plunging. I did manage to stop the water, but it was hell breaking apart that turd. I really must have eaten alot of fiber that week.
61). I’ve had three hand-tooled silver bracelets on my left wrist since 1970.
62). My dentist pierced my ears when I was a kid.
63). My teacher nominated for class president in seventh grade and nobody voted for me, including myself (I felt stupid voting for myself).
64). My cat’s names since childhood have included: Bambi, Coffee, Tia, Little One, Calliope, Maddie, Lucy and Guard Cat. My dog’s names: Prince, Whiskey, Shadow. I also had a snake named Mockaloo, two parrots named Poncho and Chico, a rabbit named Cleopatra, a monkey named George (and no he wasn’t Curious), and a gecko lizard named Artemus Gorden (my favorite character on “Wild Wild West”. I was totally in love with Artemus when I was 12.). We also had a coatimundi but I can’t remember its name.
65). If I ever get married, I want to play Etta James song “At Last” when I walk down the aisle, because it’ll be true.
66). I sometimes wonder who’s reading this while they’re naked.
67). I also often wonder if I’ll ever pose nude for any of my potential art class husbands. I’d like to, I think.
68). I think about nudity waaaaaay too much, like when I’m in the store leaning over the meat counter and checking out some “lamb chops at three o’clock” or when I’d get massages with Married Guy. I’d wonder why he wasn’t naked too. I even think about nudity during my therapy appointments with “A”. Not sure why. I’ve just got nudity on the brain.
69). I was the 6 times tables multiplication champ in 5th grade despite the fact that I am terrible at math. I guess I just studied for it.
70). Small curd cottage cheese all the way, baby!
71). I don’t eat many vegetables and don’t eat salads at all. I wish I did better in that department. I know they’re good for you.
72). If I ever won the lottery I’d buy a house and car for myself and then a new car for my mom even though she’s a pain in the ass.
73). I never had crushes on good looking movie stars like Brad Pitt and George Clooney, only on comedic ones like Robin Williams and Adam Sandler.
74). I sometimes don’t do my checkbook for a year at a time. I am checkbook challenged. I think its because my parents used to yell at me because I would always do it wrong when I was younger.
75). I think if I could trust people, all my problems would be solved and I would no longer need therapy.
76). Am I the only person who has names for their vibrators?
77). I was eliminated from the Apple Blossom Beauty Queen Pageant in 1974 when I accidently wore a pants suit instead of a dress to the interview. I am totally convinced of this, especially since I had a rocking good interview. When I was eliminated, I then relentlessly mocked the contest, but was actually secretly crushed. I really wanted to be a beauty queen.
78). I predicted in my diary when I was 12, that I would win the Best Actress Oscar. I guess there’s still time, but...
79). The only way I have ever gotten asked for attention is by being funny. The only way I have ever gotten unwanted attention is by being attractive. Not sure how good a trade off that is.
80). My Dad was so cute when he was young. Thick black curly hair. Dark blue eyes with black lashes. A dazzling smile. I’m glad I got his genes.
81). I make fun of yuppies, but if they would let me in their club, I would join in an instant.
82). I would give anything to be able to sing. I am in total awe of anyone who can sing.
83). If there is ever a cure for fibromyalgia, can you give me a call? Being in constant pain is a real drag.
84). I’m afraid of lesbians.
85). I originally became a Democrat to tick off my Dad. I like it now though.
86). I drew a picture of my vagina last summer. It just seemed like the right time to do it.
87). I hate when people say things to impress you, like what designer label they’re wearing. Who cares? My Dad got me some Calvin Klein jeans in the 1980’s and I took the label off as a protest. He didn’t care. He only bought them because he thought I would like them.
88). No WHITE socks ever.
89). I love the ocean and miss living near it. I used to go there all the time when I lived in California.
90). I hate snow, yet live near Canada.
91). I wonder if anyone has ever sold their virginity on E-Bay?
92). I have so much to say, yet when I’m alone with a guy, I become Marcel Marceau.
93). I’ve only consumed alcohol once. Some guy plied me with a stream of Creme de Cocoas at a bar, so that he could have his way with me, but it didn’t work. I just fell out of the car face first at the gas station afterwards. Fortunately he was a gentleman and brought me home.
94). My ass is really hurting right now.
95). If Married Guy ever found this diary, he would probably come over and beat me senseless.
96). I love to walk and there’s nothing bad about it. Its good for my body. Its good for thinking. Its probably the best addiction I have.
97). I wonder if I’ll have sex in 2005?
98). Non-peril chocolates are my bitch.
99). I have so much junk in my apartment...Stained glass, hanging crystals, incense burners, artwork, hand-woven scarves from India with inlaid beads and shimmery threads, bronze gongs, hand painted tiles, spider plants, ornate wrought iron candle holders, hand thrown bowls with rosemary and lavender. My apartment looks like some New Age Guy’s head exploded.
100). I have about 100 more things I could tell you, but I’ll stop now since Letterman is on.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty