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2005-03-28 @ 10:20 p.m. |
Voiceover: We've got a serious CODE ORANGE alert at the wittykitty house....please stand by for instructions on how to proceed.... Somewhere in some gray building somewhere, an alarm sounds.... WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPAnd...fighter jets take off from an air base near Obodobu. Men jump into fire-retardent uniforms and slide down poles.... Condoleeza Rice is quietly interrupted during her morning work-out to make some kind of thoughtful yet abrupt executive decision about foreign policy.... while Donald Rumsfeld is being woken out of a drunken haze by his assistant Jenna Bush after an all night kegger at some nondescript Baltimore apartment complex... WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPDan Rather is suddenly pressed back into action, coming onto the news with warnings of imminent danger...he doesn't quite know what they are, but there is imminent danger...and all the other national programming is interrupted, well except Dr. Phil who is doing a show about what to do during a national emergency. His guest is Oprah. Its Sweeps Week, and its only natural that Oprah would know what to do during a national emergency...you know, since she's a national celebrity and... WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPSuddenly all the stop lights in the country go green causing massive traffic jams...and suddenly all the gas pumps start giving people free gas...and suddenly everyone's credit card debts are zeroed out from some massive computer malfunction (although Diaryland is still online and functioning)... WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPAnd suddenly Michael Jackson is seen running out of the Santa Maria Courthouse and highjacking a limo and driving to the beach to presumably work on his suntan....and the Olson Twins suddenly agree to host a cooking show...and suddenly Medicaid will pay for liposuction (finally!!) and dental work will no longer hurt and married men will no longer cheat and everyone going to shrinks will be cured and everyone having marriage problems will be happy and there will no longer be late fees on library books and everyone will like you no matter how obnoxious you are....and you will never run out of money, or food or patience. And every day it will be 72 degrees and sunny and it will only rain at night. And every one will be the perfect weight for their height and have perfect hair every day and will sing beautifully and will be able to type 100 wpm and will never get sick and will be able to get every single person in diaryland to add you as their favorite. Can you imagine that...your favorite list being 2.6 million. Uncle Bob is only about 2.5 million isn't he? And no matter what you wrote everyone would swoon over it and tell you you're the best and the funniest and you should be writing for the New Yorker and that your artwork should be hanging in the Museum of Modern Art. Why hell, they should build you your own wing, since you would be producing so prolifically, since you have perfected the 2 hour a night but I'm still a genius sleep regimen. But wait, its time for some more... WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP...And of course, we can't forget George Bush during an emergency. Oh no! He is so damn good during those. So we'll just let him do his thing, like send 98 gazillion million troops somewhere and bomb the hell out of everything until someone cries Uncle. So, ya ready to deal with a major CODE ORANGE situation at the wittykitty house, George? What? You need to know what it was?? Oh, I just ran out of yogurt and toilet paper tonight. No biggie. Older Entries |
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty |
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