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2005-04-09 @ 8:39 p.m.
remorse, recourse, of course


Well, I guess its Spring. Yesterday when I was on the Ghetto Transit, I spied shirtless men with hammers up on the roof of a house (not that I was looking or anything) and then when I got home my Eye-talian landlords had just put down their lovely astro-turf carpeting on the back porch. Kinda matches the painted leprechaun lawn ornaments all over the backyard. Not sure why Eye-talians are so enraptured by little short Irish guys with pointy shoes. My theory is, that that's where all the bodies are buried in the backyard. They’re all guys from the witness protection program, who didn't quite get the concept of being inconspicuous before testifying at some mafia guy's trial. It's only a theory though.

Ha! I just reread my entry from yesterday. Man, what a total bitch I was. I can't even blame hormonal dysfunction on that one. I was just plain ornery. It really had a lot to do with my day. I always write about the preceding day, rather than the day I'm actually having. So if I had an awesome day yesterday, but I'm a bitch on wheels today, the entry may come out all wonky.

I felt bad about what I said about my co-group member being in love. I was actually thinking about that last night when I was in bed. I think it largely had to do with being jealous of her. "A" has always used her as an example to me. Like "Look at what "M" has done...." And even though he doesn't actually say the second part of the sentence, I can always hear it coming down the pike...the part that goes: "...So why can't you?" Because you see, she's already accomplished something that I've been wanting to accomplish since I've been seeing "A". And I was really ticked when she did it and "A" somehow sensed this and then used it and rubbed it in. (He's a sneaky one, that one). I guess I didn’t see it coming though because I didn't grow up with any siblings, so I never had that used on me before. But I think it must have been pretty effective, because look what it made me do....Feel resentful and snarky towards somebody who's just accomplished a really wonderful life goal. Falling in love. Yay me.

And its funny that I should feel that way, because I am such a sucker for romance. I love romantic movies. I can practically quote the entire script from "When Harry Met Sally". Before Woody Allen fell from grace by marrying his "daughter", I used to love all his romantic movies like "Annie Hall", "Manhattan" (my particular favorite), "Stardust Memories", and even "Sleeper". I also have a secret obsession with the movie "The Wedding Singer" with Adam Sandler for some reason. I think its because its about finding the right person and not just settling. Damn. I love that movie. I've only had it a month and I’ve already watched it, in its entirety 4 times. Its not that its particularly good, I just sit there and wish Adam Sandler would write me a song.

And that's why, perhaps, I obsess about guys so much. It's more of a blanket obsession than about any one person. I've really got to shave it down to one guy, because right now I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. And who knows why, because I've yet to really have a successful relationship. Because to be honest, the whole idea scares the shit out of me. Letting your guard down to let somebody in. I just can't imagine that. I mean, intellectually I want to, but when it comes down to actually lowering the gates...forget it brother. Tooooo scary!!

The other day when Mysterious Paul was talking about his unhappiness, it was largely due to a relationship that broke up 3 years ago. Listening to him, it was so easy to see how he was using this continuing obsession to avoid a new relationship. I guess that's what "A" does all day. Listens to people say obvious stuff and then tries to make them realize the err of their ways. He did that with me for nearly 5 years, when I was involved with Married Guy. Because you see, I was using Married Guy to avoid a "real" relationship. That's not to say I didn't have feelings for him. I did. But I would have never gotten involved with him if he hadn't kept throwing himself at me, first, by hiring me to clean his house and then give his son piano lessons and then helping him put together a newspaper and then the plethora of other things that I eventually ended up doing for him. He kept creating things to keep me around. I just didn’t realize that.

At first it was very easy for me to be neutral. I was just a client of his. I went to see him once a month for a massage and that was it. But then he invited me to his home. And then he invited me to dinner with him and his sons (this was before he was married). And I actually turned him down that invitation if you can believe that. And that was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. I don't even think wifie was on the scene yet. So I feel I screwed up. I was too timid to pursue him.

So I guess when I hear that somebody met someone on Match.com and two weeks later they are living with them and are deliriously happy, I feel kinda cranky. Of course I also felt cranky because I had had my car towed to a small garage on the North side Friday morning, fully expecting to pick it up Friday afternoon, since, well, its probably only has a broken brake line. So I called the damn guy three times. He kept saying, "We haven't looked at it yet, we haven't looked at it yet" and then about 2:30 he said, "I'm sorry, but we won't be able to do anything with your car until Monday. We’re too busy."

Monday? Too busy? Why didn’t you say that before I towed the car in, ya stupid nitwit?

He did assure that they would lock it up so that it would be safe (ya see, the garage is in a crackhouse neighborhood). Good. Thanks Mr. Car Guy for being so thoughtful. The only problem...well there were actually many, like I didn't have any food in my house, I didn’t have any money because I had run out of checks and needed to get to the bank, because all my bills were due, and there were no checks, no stamps, no way to get to the post office, my cordless phone battery died, so I was without a phone except for this ancient old crappy rotary phone from the Dollar Store which sounds like you’re in the catacombs under the Vatican trying to tap out messages with your eyebrow.

And the biggest thing was that I had been planning to go out to this nature center for 3 weeks to go to an Open House event for the Adirondack Club. It was part of my plan to meet some new “normal, stress-free” people and go hiking. “A” was all excited about my commitment to go there and was very encouraging about the whole thing. I was just excited to be hiking out in the woods on a nice Spring day. And if I got to meet a special someone, that would be icing on the cake.

And then “Sorry, we won’t be able to look at your car til Monday.” Grrr!

Most of the rest of the stuff I was able to solve by getting on a bus. But the nature center is way out in the boonies. They don’t have bus service out to squirrel land. And I had also been arguing with my mom for three weeks now about this outing. This was the day I told her I wasn’t available, and then she went out and got theatre tickets for that day anyways. She’s been wanting me to give up my outing and come with her and all the blue haired ladies since she got them. I love theatre. Absolutely love it and this play is one of my favorites. But I was determined to get out and socialize with people who had like interests and might possibly be single. So I kept saying no, as in NO. But she kept calling me back and asking me what my answer was. See how that works?

That’s why my tolerance level for nutty people is at an all time low, and my need to be with normal people is at an all time high. I’m tired of having to play head games with people.

So most of Friday was spent arguing with car guys, waiting for tardy buses, arguing with my mother, missing buses, and.... I had to walk home from the garage on the Northside and one block from the garage some guy slowed down in his car and yelled out at me, “How much?” I guess he thought I was a hooker. Like I really look like one. I was actually dressed very sedately. Jeans (not even my tight ones). An oversized ski sweater from J.C. Penney’s. And Reeboxs. Wow. Definitely hooker attire, ya stupid dickhead.

And I had been hoping to catch the bus somewhere along the way, but Ghetto Transit never drove by until I was one block from my house. So I ended up walking over 3 miles through some rather unsavory neighborhoods. But gosh. What a lovely Spring Day. Along the way I saw 3 used condoms. A spent syringe. A topless bar. 1.7 trillions shards of broken beer bottle glass. And a dead pigeon with one wing.

So, even though its not really a very good excuse as to why I was grumpy about people being in love yesterday, its all I’ve got. sigh.

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