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2005-05-07 @ 1:03 a.m.
the return of the naked surfer dude

Well, its been a lovely couple of days. No, I didn’t win the lottery. My Ford Tempo of Doom didn’t turn into a 2005 Passat while I slept. My chin hairs didn’t all fall out simultaneously, making me look less like Burl Ives and more like Julianne Moore. But it has been pretty pleasant. Nice weather. No car breakdowns. A two week paycheck for $102!!! And a luscious nude male model which made my elderly, menopausal heart beat a little faster (as well as other things throb too).

I won the Battle of the Ants. Since I’m a hippie, I don’t usually like to use any chemicals in my house other them Loreal Creme Hair Dye, dark brown. But when I came out in the kitchen Wednesday morning, and my sink and counter looked like an overhead shot of the mass exodus scene in “The Ten Commandments” (i.e., thousands of tiny Jews ants following Chuck Heston through the parting of the Red Sea), I knew I had to do something. So I went and got some Ant Traps, which are kind of like miniature Denney’s Restaurants, offering tasty treats (perhaps an Ant Slam with a side of pancakes), which eventually killed them.

Even my little buddy Artemus in the bathroom. I felt bad about that one. He’s lived there for probably a year. I probably shouldn’t have put an ant trap in there, because I have since realized that the black carcasses around the bathtub were actually suicidal gnats, not ants. See what happens when you don’t put your glasses on? So Artemus the Ant has gone to the Great Ant Motel in the Sky and I feel very sad about it. He was truly, the only one who ever really listened to me. (sob!)

Anyhoo! Wednesday night was my drawing class and what loveliness ensued. Yowza. Now about 98% of the time we have female models, which I guess is ok. I mean, if I want to see naked girl bits, I can just take off my own damn clothes and sneak a peak. And I do. And I try not to do it in public. I promised “A”. Right “A”? NO PUBLIC NUDITY. (he doesn’t know about the naked snow angels, so shhhh!). But on Wednesday night we had a male model. We don’t have many of them, and when we do, most of them are older, like 40’s and 50’s. Yuck. Oh wait, that’s how old I am. And to think, that’s what I should be expecting to see in my bed some time before 2020. But this week we had the Surfer Nude Dude. Yay! We’ve only had him one other time....a year ago this week. He is delicious. About 22. All fresh and dewy. Kinda looks like Vinnie Barbarino on “Welcome Back Kotter. Blue eyes. Thick lips. A little vacant looking. But oh that body. It was like Christmas in April. Okay, steady there, witty.

I am usually very clinical when I look at naked bodies. I mean I’ve seen probably about 75 people naked in the last year and a half. How many of you can say that? And I mean naked in person. Not on your “Debbie Does Dallas” videotapes. I’m very matter of fact about it. Oh a breast. Where are the Doritos? I can honestly say I’ve only been turned on maybe twice. Once I don’t want to discuss and then on Wednesday night. I wasn’t so much turned on as flustered. Because the Surfer Nude Dude was doing his series of quick poses and one them he turned right towards me with the lovely lovestick saying howdy, I just totally lost all control of my faculties. I was like one of the patients in “Awakenings” before the dopamine. arghhh.

And what was funny was that I was standing next to “K”, my second potential art class husband....his freakin’ uncle. So I was wondering....hmmm, are all his poses going to be directed towards Uncle K all night, and I’ll just be sitting there with my pencil mid-air with my mouth agape, looking at Mt. Fuji. And I was also strangely wondering, why is he so incredibly cute and “K” looks like Woody Allen? As usual “K” kept saying all these little asides to me, but I couldn’t hear a single one. He talks very, very softly. Who knows? Maybe he was proposing marriage and I totally missed it.

Anyways, this was one of my quick 2 minute sketches of Surfer Nude Dude. I just added some color to it when I scanned it in Photoshop.



After class, “L” the hippie chick and I were joking around like we usually do. She is so much fun to talk to. I’ve never seen anyone so upbeat without being sappy about it. She was actually telling me some bad news. She was broke, so I said, well, if I could, next week I would send my limo over to pick her up. And we both started laughing since she knows how poor I am and how unreliable my car is, and thus started a game I created called, “Eventually...”

In the game of Eventually, you must speak with a British accent and hold your pinkie up and pretend like you’re very upper class and spout such things as “....Eventually when I win the lottery, we will ride around town in my limo and wear diamond tiaras....” or “Eventually when we’re younger and thinner and all the men are chasing us, we will just pick the most handsome and stupid ones and make them ravish our bodies and feed us grapes and chocolates....” We had great fun with our game, making each Eventually more and more outrageous than the last. It was really a lot of fun.

Thursday morning was group with “A”. As soon as I walked in, he realized that he had never got back to me on rescheduling my appointment Tuesday, so we set something up for that afternoon which was good considering I am talking to walls and ants. Group was kind of uncomfortable and I won’t go into it.

From group I headed to work for my DBT group. The subject was about something called R@dical Acceptance, which is basically acceptance of something you can’t change. Two years ago when I took this course I didn’t really understand this concept, but it is getting a little easier now, and we had a really good speaker. I don’t know her name since I was about 10 minutes late getting there, but she said that everyone’s life has a series of waves, created by unhappy events (sexual abuse, unhappy childhood, alcoholism, bad relationships) and that many people aren’t willing to ride out the waves. Instead they try to circumvent them by drinking or doing drugs or cutting or doing some other toxic behavior so that they can get temporary relief from the pain. Unfortunately by doing the temporary fix, they are unable to ever realize that situations are survivable and that the short term measures are often more toxic than the memories themselves. My main pain reliever, for instance, has always been food. But what she was saying really made sense. Life is going to keep happening no matter what you do, so why fuck up your body with food or drugs or cutting or alcohol, when you’re only hurting yourself.

Man, I could really use a piece of chocolate right now....

I did have to drive back out to the suburbs to see “A” in the afternoon, but that was ok. It’s always good to see him and I really needed to. Being manic and not having anyone to talk to has been really difficult. I told him all the self-talk stuff I’ve been doing and also about the married man situation at work. Don’t think he was too pleased with that. He just got finished with 4 years of yelling at me about Married Guy and here I go again, expressing feelings for a new married guy. Yikes. He seemed particularly concerned that I was going to jump his bones because when I’m manic its really a code word for Horny. I assured him that I wouldn’t do anything, because I won’t. I just finished up a very painful breakup with Married Guy and I don’t want to put myself in harm’s way again. I may be manic, but I’m not stupid.

I did tell him about my upcoming colonoscopy on May 23rd. I thought it would be really cool if I joined Weight Watchers the week before. You know why? Because you have to take this medication right before the colonoscopy which gives you mega-diarrhea to clean out your system so that the mini-cam can see all your innards. Plus you don’t eat anything for an entire day. And I just thought what a Weight Watcher’s superstar you’d be if you went in Friday, did the system clean out and then did the weigh in the next week and lost like 8 pounds! Woo! And I’d be all, oh, it was nothing. I guess I just did really well counting my Weight Watcher points. heh, heh. And then I’d quit the next week. Yay!

“A” appeared to know a little about colonoscopy and we were talking about the camera up the arse aspects of it and I compared it to the 1966 Raquel Welch movie “Fantastic Voyage.” I actually remember seeing that as a kid. It was such a cool movie. The government had come up with some kind of secret miniaturization formula which enabled them to shrink this vessel thingie with some doctors in it and inject it into some guys blood stream to repair some kind of life threatening injury, but they had to do it really fast because the vessel thingie could only stay small for one hour. heh, heh. Stay small for one hour. That must have been before Viagra. Anyways, during all this, the doctors or scientists (ha, Raquel Welch as a scientist, sounds like something out of a Austin Powers movie, doesn’t it?) had to leave the vessel to fix things and float around in this guy’s body and get bounced around in the chest by his heart all while Raquel Welch was wearing a tight fitting jumpsuit.

Anyways, the special effects were really cool for that day and I told “A” the only reason, he’d agree to have something like that was to have Raquel Welch floating around in his loins. I think it was at that point he gave me “The Look” over his glasses. Whoops. He did like my painting “El Gato Le Scream”.

By the way, thanks for all the nice comments. And thanks to Hiss for her highly amusing banner she sent me. I ran it today. Thanks, Hiss!

So, once I promised “A” I wouldn’t fornicate with any married men this week, I took off and went for a 3 mile hike at Round Lake. I just got my Empire Pass which will enable me to get into any state park from here to New York City. I’m really excited about it.

As I was walking I saw some movement in the leaves along the path and I stopped momentarily to see this little brown mouse skittering about. Suddenly this really good looking jogger guy came running by and said, “Oh, that’s only a mouse”. No shit Sherlock, but I smiled sweetly, because he was hunky/fortyish and a runner (my favorite combo) and then I remembered my game “Eventually” and continued my walking thinking “Eventually when I have a nice man to hike around the lake with, we will have fun pointing out cute little brown mousies who dare to venture forth where joggers run and young couples stroll, looking out over the lake in the late afternoon sunlight.”

Sounds good to me. :-)

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