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2005-05-10 @ 12:22 a.m.
the married man radar detector thingie...my new invention



And then there was my horoscope today:

You're in the mood for love -- real, romantic love -- and you won't be able to concentrate on anything else for days. No, this isn't at all like you, and yes, your friends will be stunned.

Yeah, me too....


So its LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, FREAKIN' LOVE right now. I mean, shouldnít I be running through fields of daisies in slow motion or something? You know, with my hair flowing in ringlets and my bosoms bouncing ever so seductively over my tightly laced bodice. (this IS my fantasy after all, so I get to have bouncing bosoms, OK?????)

So what did I do today? Oh, I went to work, and sat so incredibly still, not blinking, not clasping my knees, trying not to say inappropriate sexual innuendo (I have a very bad habit of blurting out incredibly choice double entendres. It's a kind of nervous habit, ya see and although its not listed in the book of psychiatric ailments, I have it), all in an attempt not to act interested in the married man today. I think I was successful. Instead, my old nemeses, the Lesbian Chick who had a crush on me last winter resurfaced. Maybe it was all my knee clenching that somehow stimulated her.

We all went to lunch after our meeting. "J" and another girl were walking up ahead of us, and I got stuck with the Lesbian Chick. I have absolutely nothing against lesbians. I had a lesbian friend in California. I've worked with them. I just don't like this woman. She gives me the willies with all her rhapsodic gazing. During lunch she had said that she thought it would be a good idea if I led some kind of art therapy group at work. My boss had floated this idea with me a few times, but I always felt she was just placating me, since I don't have many hours. Personally I think art therapy is a great idea and I find it very healing, but trying to get them to fund it is another idea.

So up until that point, the Lesbian Chick had framed the whole idea like: "It would be you, oh wittykitty. You...the beautiful goddess of art...You who would be leading the masses towards art nirvana..." But then on the way back to the office, it suddenly became apparent what the whole conversation was ACTUALLY about, because the word "You", suddenly became the word "US", as in, WE would do the group together, and I nearly stopped dead in my tracks.

US?


This is the person, who if I see her rounding a corner in a hallway, I'll dive behind door frames or under desks to avoid her. I canít stand the sight of this woman. Even today when I realized she was coming to lunch with us, I almost backed out. But she came to Subway with us and brought her own bagged lunch. Did I mention her knee kept hitting mine under the table? Isn't that some kind of sexual harassment?

So when she said "We", I didn't say anything. I did consider flinging myself into the oncoming traffic. But I did have that cool horoscope about LOVE pending.

After work I headed up to the Parkway for a walk. We have a beautiful park right next to our lake...the most polluted lake in the country. Yay us!! About 75 years ago, all these chemical plants on the other side of the lake decided that rather than dispose of their chemical sludge the proper way, they would just spew it out into that cute little lake. I mean, its so close and so convenient. Forget about the fact that little fishies and plankton and birdies live off its bounty. We'll just do it at night, when nobody's looking. What the hell. We'll just get rid of the crap, not pay for it and pretend like the Indians did it. Go Corporate America!!

Anyhoo, its still a nice lake to walk by. In the summer I walk about 10-12 miles a week along its shores. I have a lot of time to man-watch think of ways to make my life better. And today I came up with a really good idea....
Married Man Radar.

I mean, not all of us are bright enough to avoid the dreaded Married Man. I'm a prime example. I keep getting tripped up by them. So I was thinking of designing some kind of Married Man Radar Detector. At first I was thinking of those Radar Guns that cops use to catch speeders with.




But then I was thinking how foolish I would look standing in the middle of the aisle at the yuppie grocery story, in a cop-like stance, aiming that thing at some poor unsuspecting guy picking up a Hungry Man Dinner. I think the mere fact that he's picking up a lonely single Hungry Man Dinner should be a dead giveaway, but then to have some weird chick aiming this alien device at him, not to mention him worrying about his personal safety, might just be a tad of a turn off. Ya think, witty??

So I continued to walk along the lake trying to think of something more practical. There sure were a lot of couples walking along the lake holding hands. Damn happy people.

Anyways, I usually walk with my head down, but I just happened to look up just in time to see a roller blading guy checking me out from a sidewalk which parallels the lakeside trail. And just when I looked up, he took a terrific tumble right off the asphalt into the grass.

Heh. Whoops. Several people went running towards him. I just stood and looked. He was about 50 feet away. He just sat dazed in the grass for a minute or two. I felt bad for him. But being my usual delusional self, I figured he saw me and wondered, hmmm, now thereís a stunning example of womanhood, I wonder if sheís single....splat.....

Now see how useful my invention would have been? Because if he hadnít been craning his neck to see if I looked available, he might not have been maimed for life.

So as I started walking again and finally came up with a solution. Rather than a big olí ass radar detector like cops use, miniaturize it. Make it about the size of a roll of Lifesavers. In fact, make it to LOOK like a roll of Lifesavers. And then you would just have to hold it in your hand, aim it at some unsuspecting potential mate, press a button, and the device would instantly start issuing forth some sort of microwave thingies and they would bounce off said unsuspecting potential mate and then you would get some kind of encoded information. Of course, there would actually be two pieces to my Married Man Detector, because it would also come with a tiny earpiece and all the information gathered in the bounced microwave, would somehow be reconfigurated via satellite and passed onto you verbally by Miss Moneypenny from a lab somewhere in London.

Ok, Iím not quite sure about that part....but isnít that a great idea? It would mainly look for wedding rings, and if you amped it up a little it would be able to detect any wedding ring residue if it had been, for instance, taken off within the last hour or so. Because, Iíve heard that Married Men sometimes do that. Is that not horrifying? Married Guy actually never even wore a wedding ring because of his occupation. See? I just didnít have that visual reminder there to remind me that he had actually taken wedding vows to someone besides me and that even though he occasionally proclaimed his love for me, it was considered null and void, because of a previous contractual agreement. Snertz!

Of course, on my little Lifesaver Married Man Radar, Iím sure ďAĒ would like to add on a little additional device, which would be for people like me. It would be the Shock-o-you-Later. Anytime I attempted to flirt with a married man, my little Lifesaver thingie would give me an uncomfortably painful volt of electricity. Iím sure, even if it cost a little more, ďAĒ would be willing to foot the bill, just so I wouldnít do my evil married men flirting thing. He's very commited to me breaking this cycle.

So I think the next thing on the agenda is to try and figure out how to avoid the Lesbian Chick in the hallways at work. I was thinking maybe I could say, ďHey, I heard its your birthday...Ē and give her a necklace with like 3000 bells on it so that I could hear her coming and duck into the nearest office to hide. I just hope that SHE doesnít have the Super Deluxe Lifesaver Single Person Detector, because then sheíll know that Iím available for some good loviní and possibly a trip to naked wittykitty-land.


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