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2005-05-21 @ 12:29 a.m.
the spider who lived at the vibrator hilton


Car Toilet Lets Couple Spend Week Driving

May 10, 2005 A British couple explained Tuesday how they drove from the north of Scotland to the south of Italy without leaving their vehicle for calls of nature, thanks to their portable toilet. Biochemist James Shippen and his colleague Barbara May took almost a week to complete the trip, using what appears to be the first lavatory ever installed in a car.

Called the Indipod, it was launched last year and costs 295 pounds ($555, 430 euros). It can be fitted into the trunks of minivans and four-wheel drive vehicles. An inflatable cabin is used, which has a fan hooked up to the vehicle's cigarette-lighter. Solid waste is dissolved by deodorant chemicals into a tank which can be emptied into conventional toilets along the way.

The couple, from Bromsgrove in the English Midlands, also wanted to draw attention to the plight of victims of rarely-mentioned illnesses such as Crohn's disease and colitis, which require frequent pit stops. They have the backing of associations that support sufferers. (article from Discovery.com)



WTF??? Pooping in your car at 70 mph? Taking a piss whilst you're waiting at a red light? How are you supposed to drive with your panties tangled around your pedal foot? Or even worse, imagine hearing: "Honey, while you're in the back seat dropping a few logs, could you hand me a soda?" It truly sounds like a Monty Python bit, if you ask me.

Man, I just looked at my hair in the mirror and its looking really awesome tonight.

Anyways, wow. I got invited to a meeting unexpectedly this morning. It seems I am now the unofficial official artist type person for our 130 person company. Who knew? I think I should get a raise, don't you? I had gone to see my case mgr. "R" this morning and she whipped out the Minutes from their last committee meeting and there was my name as the artist type person who can make posters. And they even spelled my name right. Amazing. Anyways, she asked me if I wanted to come to the Party Planning meeting, because they need someone, namely (cough) me, to make some posters for our upcoming St@ff D@y in June. I said yes, naturally, because I was really hurting for hours this week.

I was nervous once I got to the meeting however, because my job in the agency is kind of lowly and gulp, the head of the whole place was there, as was second in command. I was eating a bag of peanuts and drinking some orange juice. Whoops. No one else was eating. Everyone was looking very official. Its funny how some places you feel like you totally fit in (my art class) and then some places you feel like a total interloper (this meeting). You're still the same person, with the same intelligence and the same amount of things to offer, yet I was suddenly very tongue tied and nervous.

Plus I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. People in high positions tend to talk in grand phrases like "Iconoclastic Variants Regarding the Values of the Sociological Smarkfelts". (Heh, heh. I made up that last word.) I was just sitting there looking down at my bag of peanuts thinking, hmmm, 15 grams of fat....I wonder if that is PER peanut or the entire bag?

They were trying to come up with a topic to talk about to the staff. And they kept talking about the Departmental this and the Departmental that. Our theme is a certain Beatles song title. And I was wondering "Isn't this whole thing about individuals rather than departments?" So I finally timidly spoke up and said isn't it about People?

Eureka! Everyone looked at me like I had just discovered the secret of relativity.

See, book smarts don't always win, ya know!

The two bigwigs finally left the meeting at 11:30 and then the last half was more about what I was there for. I had to figure out what kinds of posters they needed and we were trying to brainstorm some clever titles for the contests. I'm used to brainstorming with the artist board, where we usually go full tilt and think of things like Nude Twister. I almost got a little out of control and said the word "Nude" a couple of times. Most of the women there were very sedate, office types though. The girl next to me, a skinny perfectly groomed blonde, looked like she was afraid she might catch what I have. You know, unconventionality. But I got all the info I needed and will probably start the posters this weekend.

After the meeting I had to race over to the dentist for a filling. Oh joy! The dentist! I have really good teeth and have only had about 4 cavities in my whole life, so I really have no reason to fear the dentist, but I did have a major panic attack there about 2 years ago. I had to stop a cleaning when I couldn't breathe. But today, other than about 3 minutes of intense anxiety when I first sat in the denta-lounger, it wasn't too bad. And that was like the shortest filling ever. He (the very cute dentist, who looked like Noah Wiley at the beginning of "ER") did the whole thing in less than about 2 minutes. So the anxiety was actually longer than the filling.

And then it was over to the Parkway for a 3 mile walk. All the Canadian geese are camped along the shore of the lake, with their babies at the moment. I walked over to get a closer look at the little fuzzy ones and was confronted with Goose-zilla....



Who was none to thrilled to have me so close to her babies. The thing about geese is 1) They're very aggressive 2) Even if you're nice to them and feed them, they're still very aggressive 3) They're really aggressive if you get near their babies 4) And man, you better keep your fingers away from their little steel trap beaks, because those little SOBs will grab your fingers with the same voracity as Kirstie Ally grabbing the last 3 canoles at a premiere party for "Fat Actress". I even had one grab my arm once and left a large purple bruise. And I was feeding him bread!

But I still love Canadian geese, and enjoy watching them protect their babies.

I finally got home around 3 and decided a little masterdebating was in order. Believe it or not, masturbating actually helps my fibromaylgia pain. Can you see me going on "Oprah" with this information...

"Yeah, masturbating helps me feel better." and she goes, "I hear ya sistah" and high fiving me and all the women in the audience start hooting and hollering. I'm not sure why exactly, other than it helps me to release pent up stress in my muscles.

So I got all comfy and naked on the bed. Guardcat was in attendance, as usual. I pulled out my box of sextoys from under the bed and opened up the lid. The sun was streaming in through the window and it felt so nice on my skin. I turned over to look into the box and suddenly...WTF?????? There was a big spider skittering around inside the box. YIKES!!!! shit.shit.shit. I jumped up off that bed in like a nano-second. I am like the biggest arachnophobe in the universe. I hate spiders. hate, hate, hate them. All spiders must die. immediately. So this little eight legged freak is scampering amidst my vibrators and assorted naughties. And Guardcat was a real big help. She basically slept through the whole MASSIVE SPIDER INVASION. Damn cat.

The spider finally jumped out of the box and ran onto the bed where I started beating it with a 500 page phone book. I think it was pretty much dead on the first hit, but I did feel the need to smack it about 7 more times for good measure. This part of the boudoir activity did finally wake up Guardcat. Good going....GUARD cat. You're supposed to protect me against invaders.

I really cannot figure out how a spider got inside my closed sextoy box under my bed. Or why he'd want to. (Obviously it was a boy spider. Ok. Just speculation there). I mean its dark. It's crowded. But oh, the stories he'd hear from my very tired out sex toys. :-)

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