2005-06-01 @ 12:01 a.m.
I've been having a rather humorous thing going on at the awittykitty house. Over the weekend, sMatch.com had a 3 day Sale. Join us free and find a new honey!! I had a vague interest in it. I've actually had an "ad" running on sMatch.com for over 6 years. And I guess you can probably tell how well its been working...
The first night I put the ad on I got two quick replies. One guy wrote me a note saying my ad was the funniest one he had ever read...and ha, ha, he's read a lot of them, but no, he wasn't interested in me.
Ok. How was I supposed to react to that? Thanks for thinking I'm funny, but now I sorta feel like a total loser in the big dating pond that is sMatch.com. You know sorta, like the three legged dork fish that all the other fishes point and laugh at. And to be honest, the guy who sent the note sort of looked like Bobcat Goldthwait after a three day bender so I was just sitting there sniffing hautily saying "as if" to myself too.
But he was nothing like the second guy who popped in on an IM. I can't remember his name since this was about 6 years ago, as in BMG (Before Married Guy), but lets call him, Bart. Bart was very friendly. He lived one town over. I looked at his profile. He hadn't answered a lot of the questions, including his marital status. At the time, that sort of thing was somewhat important. But he actually brought it up first. Oh, yeah, I'm still married. I'm just looking to have some fun.
But for some reason, I didn't click off. You know me. Right "A"? He was super friendly and chatty, so I just stayed online. He then asked if I believed in UFOs? Well, I said I thought I suppose it was possible. I'm Aquarius after all and I give everything a fair shake. And he said good, because he had a story to tell me. He proceeded to tell me this story about this woman who had contacted him (through sMatch.com??) and when he got to her house in the afternoon, she said she had been abducted by aliens for several hours that afternoon, and then she took him out in a field by her house and showed him her crop circles.
Ah ha! The old crop circles out in the field story. Wink, wink.
So, I'm typing in, "oh really", "Is that right?" (thinking you fucking crackhead). He then said, "You do believe me, right? Because that's what I do for a living. I investigate alien abductions. It's a very lucrative business, you know. I do a lot of traveling". (And I was thinking is that intergalactic or locally?)
Naturally I didn't believe a word he was saying, but I'm easily amused by strange people, so I just played along for a while. He then said, "Would you like to see a picture of me?" And I was like, "God, I wonder if he's going to be dressed like Captain Kirk or something?" So I graciously said, "Sure!", and he shot me over a photo attachment. I have AOL and have very slow dial up service. And his photo was very large, so I sat there for about 3 minutes watching this photo open very slowly from the head down. Blip.....blip.....blip. First his face. He was a little goofy looking, but ok....blip....blip....his shoulders. Hmmm. No shirt. Well, ok....blip....blip...blip.. Torso....blip....blip... blipppppppppppppppenis
Okay. I couldn't QUITE see his penis, because he was holding a Chihuahua in front of his manly bits. Now don't you think it might be a little more proactive, if you're going to send out a naked picture of yourself to women on sMatch.com, you might at least consider RENTING a Great Dane to stand in front of your manhood, so that we could at least fantasize about what kind of fantastic fuck was in the offing.
My next sMatch munch was some geek up in the Adirondacks. He was sweet the first day. The next day he wanted gnarly Internet Sex. The kind that was only fun for him.
The fourth sMatch.com guy was named Elwood. Elwood was a nice guy. I should have probably met with Elwood. He sent me a picture of himself dressed as the Easter Bunny. He was Jewish. Something about a Jewish Easter Bunny was appealing to me. He was an architect. He also drew cartoons. He used to send me cartoons of him and his two dogs. He was funny. But I was too shy to meet him. He finally said he was tired of corresponding and had told me more about himself than he had ever told anyone and that it was over.
That was five years ago. I have only had one note since then. Some 65 year old quadriplegic had sent me a note saying that he was desperate and that I was his last hope. Sorry. No quadriplegics. No sad people. And I'm the only one allowed to be desperate in any relationship...
And then this weekend, I decided to update my picture. Not sure why. Cuz, you're an idiot, witty? Yes. Exactly.
I've had almost 50 hits on my profile. And 4 winks. That's like the same amount of people who have showed interest in me in like 6 years.
Sidenote to "A": So, ya see "A". I'm thinking that the way I look may not be THAT incredibly hideous as discussed this morning. Sure I could stand to lose a few pounds. But by and large, I think for a 47 year old woman, with few resources, I am pretty well put together. Sure, if I had a bottomless purse, I'd go get my hair cut and highlighted at some frou frou place over in the village. And then I'd drop a few thousands on some new clothes. But since I'm on food stamps, and section eight and live on $750/mo., I think for now, I'll just have to go for the natural hippy look. I think it suits me. Its who I am. I like what I look like.
Anways, back to the winks. So, boys, are you reading my profile and the things I'm saying or are you just overwhelmed by my stunning beauty? Yeah, that's what I thought. Because my age range is very specific. Men 42-49. Only one guy falls into that catagory. Amongst my winks, I have one guy who is 57 and one guy who is 36. Well, yummy on that, but he said he'd date anyone up to age 62, which I personally find a little Norman Bate-ish. And then the guy who is 57. Are we sure that isn't 57 in cat years? Because you kind of look like the kind of person my mom hangs out with and she's turning 77 this weekend. Plus I asked that you be within 15 miles of where I live, because my car isn't in very good condition (although I didn't say that in the ad). Where do you live? 100 miles from here. Ummm. You paying for the gas, grandpa? Plus he lives with room mates. I wonder if that's at "a Home". And three times in his ad he says he's not bitter about being single...which I think is really code for I'm so freakin' bitter that that bitch wife o' mine took the house, the car, the IRA account, and then put me in a home with three guys named Bill."
The 36 year old had not filled in any of the information except for the fact that he is 1/2 African American and 1/2 Caucasian. Everything else is left blank. That really bugs me when people leave things blank. Wouldn't you want to woo someone with how wonderfully intriguing you are? He's the one, by the way, who said he would date anyone, of any race, from age 24 to 62. Kind of makes me wonder what his agenda is.
That's not me though. Because I am very, very, very specific about 1) Being liberal 2) Hating guns (I actually say: "No NRA Neanderthals") 3) No drinking or smoking. So the one guy who is actually in my age range...well, first of all his ad, was filled with about 53 spelling errors (which really irks me, I guess, because I used to be a proofreader at a newspaper), including the fact that he would love to make me a big batch of strawberry margaritas and that he's conservative and that he loves to hunt.
Loves to hunt?? You mean that thing that involves guns? As in shooting small innocent bunnies and duckies and Bambi? I mean that is the thing that I hate almost as much as George Bush. Did you not read my profile, you freakin' dork?
That actually happened one other time. I went out with a guy from a newspaper ad. In that ad, I very specifically said that I didn't approve of guns. So I talked to this guy on the phone 3-4 times. Finally on about the 4th call, what does he tell me? He not only owns gun, but he's actually a member of the freakin' NRA and belongs to a club at the local shooting range. And well, yes, he does go deer hunting in the fall. He then laughed slightly at this point. "Is that ok?"
Internally: Fuckhead. Externally Me: No, but ok.
If there are any men reading this, are you all lying sacks of shit?
Ok, I know you're not, I promise, but I guess I just feel a little discouraged about people not reading profiles and discerning that someone might not be the right person for you when its right there in black and white. And that's the other weird thing about all the male profiles I read. Don't they know there's a space bar on their computer keyboard? Everyone I looked at looked like one long sentence with all capital letters and no commas or periods. Most of them had a lot of typos, like Stewybaby who had to audacity to write "I want a specail woman take to dinnning and to commedy shows."
You know what I want? Just someone who can spell, who doesn't shoot animals and who doesn't vote Republican....
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty