2005-07-12 @ 2:00 a.m.
Man, I really think I've found the cure for what ails me. Just donít tell ďAĒ. I mean I always have him all up in my face about this sMatch.com thing. He gives me little breathers where he doesn't force me to consider total strangers from the internet, but mostly he thinks of the sMatch.com as the be-all, end-all for romance, getting laid, and/or getting your heart tromped on. (he never mentions the third one, but we all know its there, right?).
But I've got some good news for you. I have found a new place for dreamboats. Its on a website called Craigslist.org., where you can virtually advertise anything you want to sell or barter or fall in love with, all for FREE! As in, all the creepy guys who live in basements or hang out behind Pizza Hut or collect headless Barbie dolls, can all sit down at their computers, with their dirty little hands (and you know they're dirty) and type up ads. Like lots of them, and nobody knows who they are. It's like total kismet for basement boys, because 1) its free 2) its anonymous 3) you can watch porn while you're typing. It's GREAT!
So why am I bringing up Craigslist now? Because of all the hunksters/pervs living in basements putting on personal ads. They are absolutely dreamy. Like this one:
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2005-06-25, 12:17PM EDT
Hi and Thanks for checking out my add! I have to confess that I`m just working with the 'Standard' equipment, but I did get your attention. I`m an Easy-Going, Free Spirited, Open Minded, Artsy guy looking for a Special Lady. She will be:- Breathing, Able to Stand Erect, Sit and Lie Prone with `Special` consideration given to those able to Multi-task, as in Walking and Talking. Is this you? Is my Princess `Out-There`??? Just, Get in Touch! and B-Good!
Yes, I did fuzz out his actual ad account number because I'm looking out for you guys. But, well, ahem, cough, ummmmm, okay, I'll just say it, "Two (2) Sexual Organs"? Okay, I admit it, I clicked on the damn thing. Ya happy? But I draw naked people once a week and I was just trying to figure out what a guy with Two (2) Sexual Organs would look like. And needless to say, I was like totally hoping for some pictures, or at least some kind of detailed medical drawings, because I would truly like to see this...ahhh, these. What's the plural for Two (2) Sexual Organs? I mean, I know there's two of a couple of other things down there. But wouldn't that make these things even a little more crowded? The poor guy wouldn't even be able to put his wallet in his back pocket, because I assume that would be where itíd be...the Second (2nd) Sexual Organ. And what about peeing? Yes, witty, what about peeing. Would he have to relieve each of his love sticks on a regular basis? Would he do it simultaneously? Would he kinda look like one of those statues in Rome spouting water from Two (2) separate orifices?
And then what happens when he sees a picture of
And just think if his ad did really well and women were flocking to his groovy bachelor pad with that uber cool rotating circular bed with the strobe light. He could, like, service two (2) women at once. That would be like doing high speed pilates with J-Lo when sheís pissed off about how skeevy Mark Anthony looks with the lights on.
Of all the men I could think of, that might have these Two (2) Sexual Organs, it was really telemarketers and news anchor man that came to mind. They just seem like the type. Especially the news anchor, who can sit behind a desk while reading the news, and while he looks all normal up above, with his $150 haircut and his pearly white capped teeth, deep, down under the laminate news desk, where news anchors keep their sodas (I used to work at a TV station so I know), its the Two (2) Sexual Organ thing.
Remember Walter Cronkite? Oh you donít even want to know.
But then the guy in the ad finally fesses up. Ha, ha, I donít really have Two (2) Sexual Organs, I just wanted to LIE to get your attention. Well, thatís a good start. First you get me all excited about the Two (2) Sexual Organ thing, and then you pull the rug out from under me. Of course, I donít think I would want to immediately fess up that I was merely ďstandardĒ, in the (wink, wink) equipment department part too quickly. How proactive is that, huh? Wouldnít a guy want to brag about whatís under his hood, so to speak?
But heís an artsy, free-spirited guy....who wants a woman...with a pulse. Well, thatís understandable. And she also has to be able to stand erect. Now youíre talking. But are you talking about your new potential girlfriend or your Two (s) Sexual Organs? Oh, Ok, I guess I was a little confused for a moment...I guess because Iíve typed Two (2) Sexual Organs about 12 times now, and I suddenly feel like running over and pulling out my box of sex toys and doing the nasty. But I will press on. Or is it Lie Prone. What exactly is that? Lying prone? You mean like a Golden Retriever waiting to go fetch a duck or something? I donít really like that part. It seems a little too submissive.
But lets now dissect the next part. ďIs my Princess ĎOut There?íĒ You mean like you? Out There? Like expecting to lure women in with the promise of Two (2) Sexual Organs, and then saying, oh, only kidding, and then saying all that is required of you is that you are breathing and that you have to ability to stand erect? Do you think the guy ever took into account, that someone might have some interests, or would like to have a say in the relationship instead of being relegated to a series of sitting and laying commands? And I probably donít need to say this, but isnít being erect, your job, love?
Of course we have no clue where this guy is writing from, other than the bottom of the ad said, ďLocation: Near and around Yonder.Ē Yonder? Like Wild Blue? Or way Yonder, like UrAnus? I actually donít know where Yonder is, in regards to my location. I mean, I know where North Yonder is. Its up near Assylvania, a town near the Canadian border, where some mad scientist named Frankensteen, does a little elective surgery on men needing brain transplants. If you cross the border over into Canada, where they have free health insurance, you can also get a personality transplant. I believe the ability to transplant personalities into men was made possible by extensive stem cell research, the very stem cell research President Bush doesnít want to do. And I think you can see why. His surgery went terribly wrong.
And the Two (2) Sexual Organ transplant? Can you guess? Instead they accidently lopped off his Presidential Member and I think Donald Rumsfeld now keeps it in a jar, by his computer. It even has the Presidential Seal on it. I think Rummy would really like to sell it on E-Bay, but he knows Bush would have his job and thatís the only thing he has to impress the girls with, the girls who only like Men With Two (2) Sexual Organs. Because, do I have to say it? Thatís obviously something he doesnít have either.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty