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2005-07-15 @ 1:40 a.m. |
Dear Mother Nature: Why are you being such a bitch? Yes, you! First you dump 8 ga-zillion inches of snow on us last winter and then since summer, you have pummeled us with merciless heat and humidity. And what the hell was that THING today? I went to my mom's to wait for that guy who was going to fix my ailing car and since it was so freaking hot, that even this morning when I was waiting for a bus downtown at 7:45 a.m. I was just briefly wishing for SNOW and Lord knows I NEVER wish for snow under any circumstance, so I left my car windows open, you know, to let the heat out of my car, and yet you, Oh Goddess of Weather Stuff, decided to open up the skies about 5 p.m. with a rain storm that was so intensive that I thought we were going to have to call in Charlton Heston to part the waters, I mean, there were trees bending down to the ground and lashing skyward and branches flying around and 4 inches of rain in a half hour and the temperature dropped like 16 degrees in like 4 minutes, which, I guess, was kinda nice, especially since the heat index was like 97 freakin' degrees, but unfortunately the rain and lightening and wind were so sudden and abrupt that while I didn't realize my car windows were, like, totally open....well, I did kinda realize it, but who wants to run 300 feet through a lightening storm holding an umbrella with a metal handle, i.e., lightening rod, like duh, since you know, its just a little dangerous, but okay, so the car did need a little cleaning, but since my car has been such a total bitch (kinda like you, Mother Nature) lately, maybe I haven't quite been keeping my end of the deal in the automotive maintenance department, because I'm so worried the car is going to croak and then how will I get anywhere, unless its on a bus full of people with loud and annoying habits, including crack whore drag queens with gold stiletto heels on, who talk loudly on cell phones, and whose entire conversation consist primarily of the words, "Shee-it", "Yo", and the record breaking use of the word "Fuck"...you remember don't you...the one who I wanted to smash in the head this morning when I was on the way to A's group on the bus from hell-bonics, which was full of lots of people using their cell phones, making like they're all important and shit, but they're really just posers, and ya know crack whore drag queen, you were just about the ugliest example of crack whore drag queendom I've ever seen, like how much did you weigh...like 76 pounds, teetering atop gold Roman gold stiletto heels at 7:00 a.m., like what was up with that...did you think a 6 foot 7 inch crack whore drag queen wasn't tall enough, so you had to buy those gold Roman stiletto heels and wear them in front of me, like you were taunting me, like hey short white girl, whazzz up, you like my crack whore drag queen shoes, oh your feet are too fat to ever fit in these, but I'm like a 6 foot 7 inch crack whore drag queen and I can wear shit like this and look totally hot, but you're like totally fat in that turquoise tank top, bitch, so stop glaring at me when I'm talking to my dealer on my cell phone....on the bus....at 7 a.m., when I'm just getting off work at the Crazy Pussy a Go Go Bar...Go on, ya suburban white trash who totally wouldn't be able to pull off the Roman gold stiletto heels thing because you�re all sweaty, but I'm all cool looking with my 3 inch deep pancake makeup and black eye liner, although not really, because, frankly, I could see sweat running down his/her skinny shoulder blades as we pulled in to the bus "grotto" downtown, where I suddenly got freaked out thinking of all the possible ways I could be injured by a suicide bomber, because you never know, since buses are so random, and anyone can walk onto any form of public transit and get blown to bits, so even though everyone looked fairly safe (except for the crack whore drag queen, of course), I was still taking somewhat shallow breathes all the way out to the yuppie village where A's office is, where I was going to my group, and Lord knows I really needed me some group this week, because, well, I've been feeling a little anxious and apprehensive and the oppressive heat has been making me manic and I've been out of my meds for over a week now, because of my stupid car and the guy who was supposed to fix it today, never showed up or called today and then the storm came and the power went out and I went home to my un-air conditioned house, which even though the power was out, I was somewhat excited about, because, guess what, okay I won't make you guess...because I figured the fire alarm and air conditioning unit which make my life a living hell, would be silenced by the lack of electricity, but then after I got home, and took a shower, I sat on the couch looking at a blank TV screen and realized that not having any television or radios or CD players or computers was really boring and wondered what the hell am I going to do with this non-electrical existence, like read a book....yeah right, by the light of a candle like Laura Freakin' Ingalls Wilder from the freakin' Little House on the Prairie, like I could really do that...read a book...by the light of candles...in oppressive heat and then suddenly, and rather abruptly that stupid, retarded fire alarm went off, which means, fuck, even with a power outage, you can�t silence that stupid thing, but by then I was really getting bored and you probably know what I do when I'm bored...and its hot....and its moist...and there's no electricity and I feel the sudden and unrepentive desire to eat everything in the entire refrigerator, so it won't go bad, because, well, who knows how long the electricity will be off, so I ran into my bedroom and grabbed the only thing in the entire house that has batteries in it, yeah, I bet you know what that is, huh...heh, heh, yeah, it was Big Ed the Almighty Vibrating Silver Penis, because, I was already HOT anyways, and Lord Knows, Crap, there wasn't anything ELSE to do around that stupid house, once I went out and propped up my sunflowers which had gotten blown over in the storm, so it was just me and Big Ed the Almighty Vibrating Silver Penis, and while even though I was hot, it wasn�t necessarily the right kind of hot, so I had to momentarily think of someone who might help me make my womanly journey to pleasure, and came up with Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Man, who I had just co-hosted my art class with, because he�s like a total flirt and we had exchanged a couple of double entendres and when he requested that I wear one of our party hats on my head, you know the ones that look like upside down ice cream cone, I took it and pressed it up to my boob, like it was some kind of Madonna-esque pseudo sexual bra and momentarily startled him, because after all, I�m so virginal and Mother Teresa-like, but then he said, �Witty...heh, heh. I didn�t know you were like that...heh, heh� and I said, �There�s a lot of things you don�t know about me�, but I didn�t want to start naming them off like the fact that a bunch of biker riders had ridden by where I was waiting for the bus this morning and one of them yelled out to the people waiting for the bus, �Hey, do a wave for us.�...you know like the ones they do in sports stadium and I was the only one stupid enough to do it, yeah, I bet you thought I was cool, well, actually I�m not, because I do One Person Waves for Bike Riders downtown, which makes me so totally uncool that even Karl Rove looks stimulating, and I certainly didn�t want to list that for Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy, because I�m trying to cultivate the fact that I�m Cool, when I�m actually not, so I just fake it, and all I had to do was add in a little sexual innuendo, which I�m totally famous for, even though my sex life is totally miserable and its all a sham, so I didn�t say anything, and then Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy felt the need to add in, �Are you posing tonight? That would be totally awesome!!� and I, of course, trying to remain cool and urbane said, �osdryt snergti� and while that may look and sound Russian, it was just me stumbling along when some guy asks me if I�m going to be posing NUDE in front of a bunch of people, but come to think of it, that�s kinda HOT, so I used that as my �inspiration� for my date with Big Ed the Almighty Vibrating Silver Penis and needless to say, as I was doing the deed...oiling the holster, gripping the grotto....twiddling the toggle, I was so energetic, that the power came on, and suddenly the room was bright and the open window, which faces the medical building, was suddenly framing the latest wittykitty porno scene and I never knew I could move THAT first as I shut off the light, so that any stray dentists, who still might have still been in the building, looking down at my window...filling (ahem) a cavity, might not see any girlie bits, more specifically MY girlie bits from the comfort of his dental barcalounger, but then again, that was kinda HOT too, having someone watch me Go Hans Solo, through an open window, but �A� has warned me about my propensity to do naughty things, like water my garden in the nude at 1 a.m. (it was only once, and I don�t think anyone saw me except for the cute chiropractor who lives next door....who I think is filming my house from his third floor window, once he realized last winter that I�m apt to do things like make Naked Snow Angels in the middle of a blizzard and do nude calestenics with the windows open...oh how I�ll be missed when I move), but yowza, watering flowers in the nude was cool, and I was just thinking, hey, I bet Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy would think it was cool too, and then I would be re-elevated back to my Cool Artist status, especially after the One Person Wave to the Bike Riders debacle (!!!) this morning, because I think anything involving nudity is always intriguing and even though I�m trying to be good, being manic and being nude, kind of run in tandem when I�m feeling this way...and when its hot...and when I just can�t stand the thought of being �Good� or �Normal� but rather free spirited, although I guess if they threw me in jail for indecent expose and I suddenly had a girlfriend named Betty, I might not quite look at it the same way, although in my defense, I did shut off the light when I was suddenly on the verge of providing a live porn feed for the dentists next door, so I guess I must have at least a little sense in my brain, but dammit, this heat is making me crazy, Mother Nature. Can you do something about it? Sincerely, awittykitty Older Entries |
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty |
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