There was that recent 5 meme thing that raged around d'land about 2-3 weeks ago, about the 5 things that tick you off about society and when I wrote mine, I felt mighty strapped in with only having 5 things to write about. Plus when I wrote it, I was sitting at the library, not at my house, where I'd have access to chemicals and chocolate and other mind altering drugs that make me, perhaps, speak my mind a little more, than when I'm demurely sitting in a library typing an entry, trying to fit in with all the other folks looking up recipes and playing solitaire on the library computers.
So I decided to update my meme list and perhaps expand it slightly. Heh! Slightly. Ha! How can I keep the things that annoy me to only five. I have at least 5 things that annoy me every 60 seconds. So without further ado, and with the fires of PMS burning in my loins (do girls have loins?), here is my latest and probably not my last MEME LIST:
1) Hey women who pee on the toilet seat....What's up with that? Its not like you have a penis and can write your name in the snow. How did that happen? Were you levitating over the toilet as you were reading your latest Oprah Book of the Month? Did you ever possibly consider that there might be another person coming in right after you, who might not enjoy the rather kinky aspect of sitting in someone else's pee? You know, like me...a germa-phobe, who walks into every bathroom holding a paper towel, so that I don't have to touch anything bathroomy and then suddenly and rather inexplicably I'm sitting in your warm, salty urine. Gee, thanks. I don't know you, but suddenly we're somehow bonded on an intimate level, since I have your pee, which came out your urethra (and God knows where that has been), clinging to my pristine ass. Now I kinda have this thing about bodily fluids. Mine, I can handle. Yours? Probably not. Thanks.
2) Ok, so they gave you a driver's license. It doesn't mean you're smart, you know. It just means somebody slipped up at the DMV. In a way, driver's licenses, political office and even sMatch.com are pretty similar. They let pretty much anyone in and there's not a helluva lot ya can do. My pet peeve? Stop signs. You know those little signs at the end of your streets? You know....the ones that say STOP. As in STOP. You know S.T.O.P. In case you're confused, which I think many people evidently are, I just looked it up in the dictionary. The word Stop means: "To prevent movement or further movement of; specifically to halt the progress of a person, animal or vehicle . Got it? It doesn't mean you can drive straight through said stop sign into oncoming traffic. That is bad. Bad Driver! It also doesn't mean you can kinda, sorta slide through a stop sign. Because why? What? You mean, you�ve already forgotten what I just said? Jeezus. Ok, let us review...Stop means to HALT THE PROGRESS OF A VEHICLE, you fucking knucklehead.
I live in a small residential area. At the end of every block there is a stop sign. Ha! Stop signs. They might as well be hat racks for squirrels, because absolutely nobody stops at them. Nobody. Well, except me. So now I pretty much drive like I realize that they aren't going to stop and act accordingly. But I really shouldn't have to since stop signs are there for a reason. You know to stop cars.
3) This meme actually has a subheading. Its called the Stupid Driver giving me the finger for THEIR stupidity Meme. Okay, so you just blew off that stop sign at the corner and you are now hurtling into my path. And then if this were a movie, there would be a close up of my face. And I would look alarmed as I was trying to somehow correct my cars path, as to avoid colliding with you, you vapid stop sign ignorer, because you are just about ready to take off the front of my car with your big shiny SUV. My car is small. Your car is big. If your car hits my car, it�ll be akin to Camryn Manhein flicking a piece of pie crumb off her chin. My car is going to get creamed. So I involuntarily toot my horn as I swerve to miss you. You look down at me...sneer and then give ME the finger. WTF????? Didn�t YOU just blow off a stop sign? Didn�t you just pull out of a side street without looking? Sure you were talking on your cell phone, which (cough) is illegal in our state, but whatevah. And yeah, not stopping at stop signs is also, kinda, sorta illegal, but dammit witty, you had the fucking nerve to �get in the way� of somebody doing two illegal acts simultaneously. You certainly DESERVED to have that one finger salute. After all, you were doing all that legal driving shit. You know, stopping at stop signs....not talking on your cell phone while driving...watching for other people pulling into traffic. So, yeah, I guess I got what I deserved. And just for spite, I hope they raise my car insurance rates too, since I�m such a bad, bad girl.
4) Unless I ask your opinion, can we not tell witty what is wrong with her appearance? It appears, I am walking amongst people who think I�m on the verge of needing to put a bag on my head so as not to scare people. I�ve never had very good self esteem about my appearance because I had a mother who constantly made fun of my features growing up. And now in my mid-40�s, I�m just getting to the point where I don�t think I look too horrifying. I could stand to lose about 20 pounds. I could use a little firming up of my abs, but by and large I like the way I look and think I look pretty damn good for 47. But recently between �A� and my mother, I�ve been getting unsolicited comments about my weight, the way I dress, my hair and even my femininity and I don�t like it. My hair has been taking the brunt of the comments for some reason. And I happen to think my hair is my best feature. I have thick wavy layered hair which frames my pale skin really nicely. Sure I would like to get something fancy like highlights and fancy moisterizers, but I don�t have disposable income. I�m on foodstamps. I even got my hair cut twice in June trying to appease everyone but that�s it. I like my hair long. So back off.
5) You don�t need to impress me with your possessions. I don�t care if you have the latest MAC computer or the fanciest SUV or the latest Blackberry or the most expensive pair of shoes or the hottest designer label or you live in the town with the most prestigious reputation or you eat at the deli where the �beautiful people eat� or you�ve met Albert Einstein or you�ve jammed with Eric Clapton or you were Jude Law�s nanny, or you were in prison with Martha Stewart or your shit smells like tangerines and Nicole Kidman�s armpit. I.Don�t.Care. What I do care about is how you treat people. Do you keep your promises? Are you consistent? Do you care about people? Are you honest? I notice when you first meet people they�re always trying to impress you with things about themselves which will supposedly make you love them. I�m guilty of it. I always pull out my movie star stories. All the movies stars I met out in California and the movies I was in. I figure people will be impressed with that and think I�m cool and like me better. But then what happens after the thrill of knowing that I once worked as a movie extra on �Sister Act� wears off. Then they�re just stuck with me. A foodstamp bipolar artist. Yippie! So I say, honesty is the best policy. If they don�t like the REAL you the first time out, they probably won�t like the REAL you in a long term relationship.
6) Don�t promise me something, unless you plan to deliver. This one really stems from my childhood. My Dad was an alcoholic, and as a child I used to ask him to do things when he was drunk and then the next day he wouldn�t remember he promised me something and I would feel like he didn�t feel like I was important enough for our promise to stick. I very rarely ask people for favors anymore. I really have to have my back up against a wall before I ask for help. One of the biggest sources of disappointment has always been when I�ve gotten up the courage to ask people for help when I move. I don�t know how many times people have enthusiastically said they�d be there for me and then just blown me off, leaving me alone to do a monumental amount of work. I even had my boss from work do that. He was a big, sturdy Texas born ex-Marine sergeant and he was all gung-ho. He was going to help my mom and I load a U-Haul and he was going to bring in help with his buddies and I wasn�t going to have to �worry my pretty little head.� So we waited and waited and waited. Three hours after his supposed arrival time, we started calling his house and his cell phone. We got his message machine at home and his cell phone was turned off. I finally started loading the truck myself. My mom was so upset she almost had to go to the ER. So I had to deal with her freaking out (and she couldn�t help because of her heart condition) and all the incredible amount of work I had to do and my fibromylgia and my intense anger at Roy. I packed the truck until 1 a.m. in the morning and then we took it there the next day and it took the entire day for me to unpack it by myself. Monday morning I went into work and Roy was all smiles. �Hi! I tried calling you all day Saturday! I couldn�t find your house. Hope it went ok!�
BULLSHIT! We have call waiting and we weren�t even on the phone except when we called him. And then later in the week, some hooker-type woman came in the print shop asking for Roy (he was married). And she mentioned something about them meeting over the weekend. I nearly blew an artery out of my forehead. Dickhead. He had been with her evidently and just blew me off. I never said anything, but I didn�t talk to him for about a month. I still occasionally see him and his extremely overweight wife and his two extremely overweight daughters at a certain local restaurant. I just nod my head and think evil thoughts.
7) People who eat food in the grocery store without paying for it. And no, we�re not talking about the demo ladies with trail mix in a tiny cup. I�m talking about people picking grapes off a bunch of grapes. Or people sticking their dirty mitts into a bulk candy container and eating a handful of candy. Or someone munching on a raw carrot. This ain�t your kitchen counter, Gladys. This is a grocery store. Why are you eating free food? I think in some circles thats considered stealing. What if 800 people all ate 3 or 4 grapes each? That would be a pretty big loss for a store. I�ve even gone to lunch with co-workers and they�ve gone back and gotten free refills on sodas. WTF? There aren�t any free refills on sodas. Its stated right on the machine. But this one co-worker, just goes up to the machine and refills a huge 32 ounce thing with Nestle Ice tea like she�s refilling it out of her refrigerator. To me that�s stealing. Am I uptight? Should I take a chill pill? Maybe. But to me this is wrong. Damn Catholic School training.
8) Ok, this was on my original meme list, but now I can zero in on the subject. �Falling in love on a reality show�. Yeah, right. When I came home from my art class Wednesday night, I had the intense privilege and pleasure of watching the finale of �The Average Joe Strikes Back�. Now if you don�t know what that�s about, it has a bunch of geeks and losers vying for a beautiful woman romantically. The supposed twist in the show, is that, halfway through the series, after all the geeks have gotten their chance to smooch a beautiful woman, for perhaps the first (and probably the last) time in their lives, they bring a bunch of handsome, macho guys in, who of course, turn our heroine�s head. And, of course the heroine, always chooses the hunks, because, well, they�re hunks. Duh! Who�d want a dumb, ol� geek with a pencil protector in their pocket? Me! Me! But only if he had a good sense of humor. This season however, wow, gee, gah....the girl, who readily admitted she wasn�t really sure what she liked about the geek and he seemed really nervous and they didn�t talk very easily and they never made eye contact and he seemed really down on himself and his weight, but he DID like independent films like her and could quote poetry and knew words like �the� and �you�re so beautiful� was chosen over the handsome guy who, shall we say, was really trying to get an audition for �Days of Our Lives� if his �Love� for Susie or Fritzie or whatever the redhead�s name was, didn�t pan out. Wasn�t that touching? If you don�t love me, I�ll go audition for a soap opera. And the nitwit, even auditioned in the back of the car, after she dumped him, by sobbing profusely. Oh pah-lease. I�ve seen more convincing crying at an acting 101 class. But anyways, so we go back to the geek walking up the the beautiful redhead, full expecting to have his heart stomped on, pureed and poured back into his chest by the busty vixen, but guess what? No what, witty? She picked him!! Wow! Really? Well, if you can call it picking him. She smiled at him all dewey eyed (I think it was a special camera lens to be truthful) and then said some Hallmark bullshit about how two people should have things in common if they want a life together. And instead of saying something nice and making him feel good (the poor guy was so ecstatic at being picked, he almost looked like her was on the verge of needing EMTs), she said, �I can�t guarantee anything between us is going to work, but we can go out on a date and try it.�
Well, that was certainly a stirring, heartfelt, promising vote of confidence.
�I can�t guarantee anything between us is going to work....� WTF, bitch? Isn�t that kind of chilly, like saying this is really doomed and I�m only saying this because the name of the TV Show is �The Average Joe Strikes Back� and a geek has to get lucky and I�m the unlucky miscreant who signed on to embarrass myself on National Television by kissing a geek? Ya know what? The guy has feelings. You know what network executives? The guy has feelings. And yet we all know, they�ll go on one fake date, and he�ll get dumped and then she�ll run over and hump the Mr. Days of Our Lives wanna-be guy about 23 times more and then do a promotional tour for skin care products and be on Regis and Kelly and then do an infomercial for interactive karaoke/juicer machines for the kitchen.
But the Average Joe guy. Now there�s the real story. He�ll jump over to another network, and get an extreme makeover, since nobody likes fat, ugly people, and then he�ll become the president of a new television network and drive a Hummer and pick up chicks and become insufferable and reject fat women and then go into therapy and realize he misses his inner-geek, and then he�ll move to Italy and eat pasta 365 days a year and gain like 60 pounds and take out his contact lenses and wear his big ol� geek glasses again and become an independent film director and then that girl from �The Average Joe Strikes Back� will come and audition, and even though, in the interim, she has gained like 60 pounds like him, the geek will realize that he still loves her and she will realize the err of her way and they will eventually marry and have 7 children, all of them rather geekish and they move to their own island near Greece, where being geekish is considered cool, and handsome people are laughed at and ridiculed, especially if they�re skinny and well-toned and have perfect breasts. Now that�s the reality series I want to see.
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