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2005-08-07 @ 12:31 a.m.
crikey, guardcat finds love before I do...


Poor Guardcat. Shes totally in love. But its an unusual coupling. And I know people will talk, since people are prone to talk about people, or in this case, cats who are in love with someone, who is not of their biological make up. Guardcat, it seems, has fallen in love with my right sandal. Poor dear.

And I can totally identify with her, because Lord knows, I have certainly fallen in love with the wrong thing person before too. So I can commiserate with the sheer frustration she must undoubtedly feel as her fledgling relationship slowly evolves and she realizes how totally hopeless it is. But I dont want to ruin it for her quite yet, because she seems so happy....Laying on top of my right sandal out in the living room, snuzzling it, rolling around on it and licking it. How this all started, Im not really sure, but I think it was today when I got home from a hike around Round Lake.

I was pretty tired from my hike. I went in and laid on my bed and called my mom and Guardcat jumped up on the bed and almost instantly I felt cat jaws chomping down on my poor defenseless right foot and I was like OWWWW! WTF! I yelled at her, but she was really persistent. She kept biting my foot and licking it and kicking it with her back paws and I wasn't even playing with her. I was just laying there defenselessly, minding my own business, so I finally shooed her off my bed. I mean, I already have an injury* to my left foot as it was. And I certainly didn't need any additional cat tooth marks to mar what is possibly the most lovely feet in the Northern Hemisphere.

So after my phone call with my mom, which was mercifully short because she was on the way to BINGO, I headed out to the kitchen and there was Guardcat running around like a maniac, leaping into the air like some rabid coyote on cocaine, doing body slams onto my sandals and then rolling around and biting them. And I was like...

WTF??


She was obviously smitten with something, because thats exactly how I act when I like a guy. I mean, exactly. I did take several pictures with my regular camera (my digital camera is sick today), because at several points, Guardcat had her head totally inside the strap of my sandal, making my shoe look like a hat, thus making for a totally awesome CAT PHOTO OP!! She even managed to drag the one sandal several feet away from the other one and is now currently curled up on top of it reciting poetry to it, I think.

Im really now sure what the hell I stepped in today, but it must have been exciting...like cat marijuana or something. Because at one point during my hike today, I did take my sandals off for a brief photo op in a creek. My feet were hot so I stepped into some water and waded around and then walked in some mud before I put my shoes back on. Maybe something smelled good from that. Im not really sure. But Guardcat seems happy. And in love.

If only it were THAT easy....

As for the *injury on my left foot, it appears that my ghost has returned. Hes been pretty good lately, only doing minor things like knocking books out of my bookcase and tipping over a painting I had up in the closed window which faces the dental building. But a couple of nights ago, I was innocently standing in my kitchen sweeping cat litter onto a placemat so that I could dump it into the garbage. I was not moving much. I was just standing in one spot gently sweeping, when suddenly this heavy vintage ceramic sugar bowl came hurtling off the top of my refrigerator and fell directly onto a decorative Homer Laughlin creamer which sits on the back of the stove and broke it and then knocked over 2 of my vintage salt and pepper shakers, sending tiny shards of pottery all over the stove and the floor.

It scared the living bjesus out of me, since it was about 1 a.m. in the morning. At the time I actually didnt even know what happened. I just heard this big crash, whirled around and I saw the creamer smashed and the sugar bowl sitting in an upright position on the stove. I also felt a sharp pinch on the top of my foot and looked down and there was a big dot of blood welling up. It was soon bleeding down the side of my foot. It was quite a deep cut.

Now my ghost doesnt usually hurt me. Usually he just does silly stuff like knock my diet coke off my desk or turn my VCR on by itself or turn on my landlords car in the middle of the night. That one was kind of funny. This one caused blood shed though. Bad ghost!!

So I told my mom about it. She likes to hear about my ghost. I guess because I dont have a boyfriend to tell her about. She thinks hes mad at me about moving.

Huh?

Well, if hes going to act like a bratty asshole, Im definitely not going to give him my forwarding address.

Thursday morning was my first and last group with A for a while. Hes putting our group on hiatus for August. I hope he doesnt put it on hiatus permanently because its the only group I have for myself. The girl who was carted away by the cops to the hospital was back. But she was still pretty hyper. She was a litany of physical ticks. I had to turn away from her because it was so distracting. I feel sorry for her, but I also feel its a plea for attention. A told the group I needed some help moving and she said shed help, but yow, not sure how much babysitting would be involved with that one. I do need help, but not if shes in such bad shape. I mean part of me wants to help her, by giving her something to make her feel useful, but then part of me is screaming NOOOOOO! I think the NOOOO part is going to win. At least this time.

On the way out to the parking lot, the Jesus Guy came up and offered help. I dont really know him very well. He seems nice, but he does talk about being saved by the Lord Jesus Christ alot. Hes gotten a little better. Maybe A said something to him. The last time I moved, the Born Again Christian part of my family helped me and while I was very thankful, it was very difficult trying to find 100 different ways to say NO to my cousin asking me to convert to her religion during the move. We even had to stop at one point, stand in a circle, join hands and say a prayer for bringing us all together on this warm August afternoon.

After group I went over to the yuppie grocery store with a couple of group members. C, a woman about 36 years old, who has a good sense of humor and suffers from similar issues as me. We also brought along Harold the Geek*. (*name changed to protect the innocent). Oh poor Harold. He has a really good sense of humor, kind of deadpan like Larry David, but his clothes. Oy! All winter long he wore this sweater that was straight out of a 1960s sitcom with suede elbow patches. And now that summer has arrived, its a khaki safari outfit. It looks a lot like what Australian TV host Steve Irwin wears, except he tops it with this absurdly large brimmed safari hat with air vents. Everytime I see the hat I feel this intense urge to yell, Crikey! and actually did the first two weeks he wore it. I dont think he caught the reference though. This, I think, is the guy A might have in mind for me.

Harold is a nice guy. Dont get me wrong. And he is funny, if not hilarious, at times. But he definitely needs a date with the Queer Eye for the Straight Guys. I even offered to help him pick out some new glasses this last week, because I think he has the same glasses my Dad wore in 1974. And supposedly hes only 2-3 years older than me, but let's face it "A", isn't he more like his mid 50's maybe?

I mean, its nice that you're helping him out and all. I really mean it, because he needs a little help. I just don't think we're a match because putting us together is kind of like serving sushi with twizzles. Not exactly a taste sensation....you know what I mean?

Not like what I found on our table at work today. I don't know how many of you work in or near a doctor's office, but when you do, drug reps, in hopes that you'll buy their medications, will frequently leave you samples with their name on them, like pens... post-its...calendars...paper clip holders....free magazines. But what I saw at our office today was a first....

A Drug Rep Sample of Microwave Popcorn. Whee!




What??? No Active Drugs? Well, forget it then, because I always like to mainline my Orville Reddenbacher whenever possible.

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