2005-08-14 @ 9:05 p.m.
For all those people wanting to keep up with being as totally cool as awittykitty, I will today be tossing forth a gauntlet for the masses....taunting, teasing, even making fun of you because you think you can be....you know...as cool as awittykitty. Ha! I say to you! I mean, how could you ever even possibly entertain even the remotest, minisculiest hope to be on par with one of the coolest people on the planet....you...poor...sad...person.
Because Iím the coolest. And thatís not even dependent on the medications Iím on. The ones that control the part of my brain that counteracts the delusional, self inflated egomaniac part of my personality. Iím just effortlessly cool. For instance...
Iím at the yuppie grocery store this week. I had walked in from the parking lot. I had parked my Calvin Klein sunglasses up on top of my head...you know, just because Iím soooo damn cool. And geeze, come to think of it, I also looked pretty damn fetching too. I had on my black skort, my sleeveless peach colored Eddie Bauer shirt, my Kleins, my wiccan necklace. It was like quick, call a news crew. Here comes a really cool person....
But I had to make a stop in the restroom. You know, even cool people have to pee. So I went into the stall, and I had to do my usual ritualistic cleaning of the toilet area. Because I sure donít want to sit in someone elseís errant pee pee droplets, so I had some wadded up toilet paper and this store has these wonderfully welcome little squirty cleaning solution stations in each stall. So I squirted the cleaning stuff on the toilet paper and then I started wiping the toilet seat, you know, with the great dignity it deserves...cleaning up someone elseís piss. So Iím wiping and cleaning and wiping and I guess I leaned a little too low and suddenly my sunglasses slid right off the top of my perfectly coiffed head and fell directly into the toilet. Just like that. Floop! The Calvin Kleins took a bath.
Fortunately, the bathroom gods must have been looking kindly upon me, because there was no previous pee-pee droplets within the porcelain receptacle, so I was able to fish out my sunglasses and then
Amazingly, my next ultra cool event ALSO took place in a bathroom. I seem to be on a run, so to speak. I had gone for a walk out on the Parkway. We had finally had a day where it wasnít the same temperature as the surface of the sun out, so I decided to take advantage of the cooler air and get some exercise. Well, I had previously gone to breakfast with my mother and drank two large diet cokes. Unfortunately, in the words of my loving brother Guido Obnoxious, my kidneys are the size of a pea. Which is really his loving way of saying, I may be able to drink two diet cokes straight down but then I have to pee 27.6 times in the next 30 minutes. And the problem with that is?? Ok, so I may pee alot, but personally I feel that this figure might be a slight exaggeration. I mean, after all Guido, we all know youíre still smarting over the fact that our mother likes me better, so I actually think its closer to 26.2 times. And yes, Guido, she does like me better.....because Iím sooooo cool.
Anyhoo, so I was in need of a restroom almost as soon as I hit the Parkway and I ducked into the one by the yacht club. They just renovated these places. Last year they were all skanky and the stall doors didnít lock and one time when I went in there I heard someone having masturbatory sex. She was all grunting and squealing and screamy and I was like WTF? Do ya mind, Iím trying to pee here. It was just that kind of place. But now its all modern and new and the doors lock and I think all the masturbators have moved over to the Mall bathrooms where the ambience is about on par with the former skankyness of the Parkway bathrooms. So I sat on the toilet (WHAT? Iím not one of those freaks who squat and spray randomly). Fortunately there was no one in the bathroom, so I didnít have Anxiety Kidneys. I was just peeing freely and rather robustly, since I had had TWO diet cokes, when suddenly...I was like OH MY GOD...WHAT THE HELL....OH PLEASE DEAR JESUS, I HOPE MY WILL IS IN ORDER...HELP!!!!
Because the new toilet, which was one of those self flushing kind, had suddenly made a unilateral decision to flush without consulting me, while I was mid-stream. And since Iím like one of those polite-sitters, and not impolite squatty bitches who randomly spray all over toilet seats, suddenly my ass was getting a hurricane force toilet flushing shower from below and yes, I do have to admit, I did momentarily jump up and let out a kind of girly scream. Fortunately, it was a cloudy day, so this time I wasnít wearing my sunglasses on my head, otherwise, oh my, who knows what catastrophe would have befallen my Calvin Kleins. I mean, they could have been half way to NYC in some drainpipe by now, if I hadnít been careful.
I then turned to look at the infra-red eye that controls the flushing of the toilet and it looked very benign, like, oh, I just decided it was time to flush because your ass was so darn cute and I wanted to get a good look at it. I did finish my business, once I toweled off the 23 gallons of water that had splashed up on my skort. And then when I stood up to walk out I looked at the infra-red eye of the automatic toilet flusher once again and waited. It seemed to be leering at me as if to say, neener, neener. So I stood and stared right back at the stupid thing as if to say, ďOk. Yup. Anytime now. Yup. La. La. La.... Flush you stupid BASTARD!!!!!Ē But it wouldnít. So I finally just left, as the evil self flushing toilet at the Parkway waited for its next victim.
So not wanting to lose my level of coolness to a mere toilet, I did regain it when I went out with my client this week. She had wanted to see ďDukes of HazzardĒ and I would rather chop my arms off with exacto knives, so I very subtlely hinted that, hey, thereís this movie where Johnny Depp say, ďThatís weirdĒ a lot and its really funny! And since she thinks Iím so cool, I was fortunately able to steer her away from the stupidest movie in the history of cinema. I was really really, really tired though when I picked her up. I donít usually see two clients in the same day, but since I had such a heavy schedule this week with the training, I had to jam two people into the same day. So as soon as the movie started, and once I had gotten a shot of caffeine so I wouldnít fall asleep, I donít know what happened but I was laughing hysterically throughout the entire movie, drunk on Johnny Deppeness I think. And since Iím so cool, my client was too, which made me laugh even more. This is the second time Iíve seen ďWillie Wonka and the Chocolate FactoryĒ by the way. And I think there may be many more times.
Anyways, just a very quick sketch (like under 5 minutes) of Johnny Depp as Willie Wonka. I did the color in Photoshop in about 10 minutes. Why? I guess, because Iím cool! :-)
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty