2005-08-29 @ 10:55 p.m.
Well, I've started to meet my new neighbors. I've met Harold, the Wanderer. He's about 80 and wanders the sidewalk in mismatched clothing talking to people about unusual things. The day I was moving in, he came up to my screen door and said, "Are you Kay?" I thought he said, "Are you okay?", so I said, "I'm fine. Thanks." And then he acted exasperated and said, "No, are you Kay? You look like Kay. She used to live here." And I said, "Oh really? How interesting." He then asked if I was moving in. And of course, I had to do a big theatrical double take, since 1) I'm a smart ass and 2) there were 4 moving guys carrying boxes and pianos in. "Why, yes, I am!" And then he just meandered away in his mismatched shorts.
Later that day, my mom brought Guardcat back from a stay at her Evil Cat Cousin's house and just as we were exiting my front door there was a woman sitting in a chair the next door over. She was a woman about 60, overweight with short curly blonde hair. She was watching a cat eating from a bowl of food. I was going to just walk to my car, since I have social anxiety, but my mom had to run over and introduce herself (damn those Gemini's). The woman said her name was $%^^%* and I was like "what?" (its a little hard to hear over the creek). And then she said her name again. I thought she said "Jane", but she was, in fact, saying "Kay" and then she added, "and my cat is dying of cancer.' And I'm like oh...umm....sorry. I mean, how do you come back from something like that? Like gee, its nice to meet you, but I guess I shouldn't get too attached to your cat. Gulp..
But then as we were walking out to my car, I was a little put out that Harold the Wanderer thought that I looked like an old fat blonde lady. Like excuse me? Me, the most excellent wittykittylicious? Get your specs checked, gramps!
Anyways, Kay and I have been establishing a relationship. Its been through our bathroom wall. Ya see, its been a while since I've lived in an apartment and I've forgotten the old apartment livin' thing where you can't take a shower at the same time as your neighbor, otherwise you get a whole lotta cold water upon yo' ass. The second night I was here, I got all naked, ready to jump in the shower and I heard her shower go on, so being all neighborly and shit, I just sat on the toilet and waited for her to take her shower. You know, the one listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the World's Longest Showers ever recorded in the history of man. I mean, Kay, what were you doing with that bar of soap? Good Lord woman, what are you showering down from...a nuclear accident at Chernobyl? I started to wonder if there was going to be any hot water left for the apartment complex? Or even the Village? Or even the state of New York. And then I got an idea, albeit, an evil one. I stood up, looked at the handle of my toilet and wondered....Hmmmm. One swift tug of that baby, and we'd surely be putting an end to that hour long power shower, wouldn't we Kay?
But I waited. Damn. I did it for the cancer kitty.
Although when I finally did get into the shower, guess what happened? Go ahead, guess? I got all lathered up and suddenly I was inundated with water piped in directly from an ice flow near Antarctica. I guess she must have flushed her toilet. Thanks neighbor. Keeping score now. Yup. Next time. No.More.Mr.Nice.Guy. FLUUUUUUUUSHHHHHHHHH!
But my favorite neighbors so far have been....
MEGA SPIDERS FROM HELL
(accompanying scary music)
Oh dear, dear, dear. I am an arachnaphobe from way back. I have been scared of spiders since I was a little kid in Florida. And there were lots of them there. And they were large. And they could jump. And they had poisonous fangs. And everytime I would call my mom in to kill one in my bedroom, as a kid, she would always miss it and then it would run and hide and grow 23 times larger over night.
I've gotten a little better as an adult, but there is still a pretty intense ick factor. I can squish one, but I still jump around and make girly noises and shake quite a bit. Ok, a lot. Because I hate those son of a bitches. They're just so ugly and I don't care that they eat insects. I just wish they'd eat each other and then the world would be a happier place. Guaranteed!
But, of course, I did want to live in an apartment building next to some woods. So, yes, its my fault. But I had no idea just how many spiders per square foot there would be outside. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seen so many spiders in one place in my entire life. Its like one of those giant spiders from a 1950's sci fi movie exploded and propagated to infinity. They are everywhere on the walkway outside....just hanging like big fat grapes off grape vines, because honest to God, that's how big some of those fuckers are. As big as grapes. You really don't notice them during the day as much, but at night, let me tell you. Its like a freakin' horror movie.
I am still attempting to unpack my car. I just don't have the stamina to bring everything up at once and its really been humid which makes my fibro worse, so I've been going down in the evening to get stuff. But after two nights of doing this...NO MORE. Why? Because walking down my walkway, has been like being in a Wes Craven movie. Because in the yellowish porch lighting, you can see all their prolific webbing stretched across the ceiling and railings and all those big fat bastards dangling as if to say, "Here's Johnnie!!!!" (i.e., Jack Nicholson in "The Shining").
So yesterday during daylight hours, I did knock a couple of the big ones down and then stomped on them when they hit the deck. But I was so damn girly about it. Because I would jump on them like they were live wires and then let out a girly scream. It was really bad when I knocked down about 3 at the same time and they were all running in opposite directions. And then afterwards I was convinced that a Hazmatt team should be called in, because I just knew that there were like 300 spiders in my hair. I did kill a small one on my arm after I was in my apartment. But yuck!!!!!!!
So far, indoors is okay. I did see a really large wood ant in the bathroom tonight though. I told Guardcat to protect me and to "get it! Get it Guard cat! Get it! Get it Guardcat!!" And I guess I was a little too zealous in my appeal for protection for a lone wood ant because she ran and hid.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty