2005-10-11 @ 11:57 p.m.
So I was driving down the boulevard today. It was gray and depressing out. And then I saw this big bus all brightly painted and illustrated. It was the bus from “GirlsGoneWild” and it was parked right here in my town! And how totally appropriate....it was parked in front of Pep Boys, an automotive supply store...a place full of a bunch of tools!
And even stranger than that, just a few days earlier, I had seen the Oscar Meyer Wiener-Mobile parked at a nearby shopping mall. Can you imagine if they ever both showed up for the same event? GirlsGoneWild and a giant automotive Wiener Mobile? Oh the Freudianess of it all. I mean, who books all these events?
I actually HAD a toy Oscar Wiener-mobile as a kid. I loved that thing. I used to roll it around on the floor and a little character (Oscar Meyer himself?) used to pop in and out of the top of it as you rolled it along the floor, and the faster you rolled it, the faster the little Oscar thingie popped in and out. And I loved that thing. In and out. In and out. In and out. I did it so fast sometimes, sparks would practically fly. I think that was actually like my first, almost, pseudo-vibrator.
Of course, I live in a pretty cool town. In my first apartment I used to live up on a hill behind an adult entertainment place and in the summer they used to have naked car washes. Of course they had a large canvas blocking the view from the boulevard. But I lived up on the hill above the parking lot, so I got to see all the “adult porn stars” washing cars topless. I wasn’t terribly impressed and I have a feeling that the cleanliness of the cars was a rather low priority. It was really the moist, sensuous rubbing of towels that was the big attraction, but I had cable TV in those days, so watching bimbos at 1000 yards wasn’t all that stimulating to me.
Also, I didn’t have binoculars like I do now. Ummm, not that I use them. Ok. Once. I used them once, OK??? Hey, I live in an apartment complex that is U-shaped, and one night I was looking out of my bedroom window after dark and over across the way was the young guy who had a girlfriend when I first moved here, but they used to fight and now she’s gone. And the guy lives there alone. And he has a cute black kitty. And I was looking at the kitty with my binoculars! Honest! The fact that he was sitting bare-chested with shorts on watching the Yankees get their ass kicked was purely incidental. The kitty was so cute!! Nice kitty!
My apartment complex seems to be evenly divided between twenty somethings and sixty-somethings. I’m not really sure how I got in. To my left, are two old ladies. They’re nice. They both have cats. Past them is Walter the Alzheimers Guy. He’s already knocked on my door three times to introduce himself. He’s about 80 and always asks me if I’ve noticed the creek off my deck. Granted if I was blind and deaf, I might have missed it, but its pretty damn hard not to notice something thats 20 feet across and sounds like I’m in the middle of an Amazonian rain forest. To my right are three young people. Two young women and one hunky guy. The hunky guy always says Hi. I’m fairly convinced he wants me. I’m also convinced I’ll be winning the $60 million Speedball lottery in the next thirty six hours, so you can take that however you want to.
We’re the quiet building. Over across the way, in building “B”, is where the bible thumping master-debater lives. She leaves her door open on Sunday and shouts out biblical quotes from Corinthian 13, adding in things about masturbation and God and priests and burning in hell. I don’t even have to pop in my tape of Steven Kings movie “Carrie”. I have it simulcast live every Sunday across the courtyard. Its really fab. I’ve never seen this woman, but she obviously has no problem projecting vocally. Mics are for whimps. And she is also obviously working her way up for a gig at the Vatican. And to think, we all got a sneak preview, right here in the Village, across the courtyard.
And then there’s the lady who works at the mall. She looks about 65. I’ve been seeing her for years. She works at the mall food court, wiping tables down all days. Haven't you always wondered where all those food court cleaning people lived? And now I do! And I bet you're jealous THEY don't live next to you. Although I don’t exactly know which apartment, but wouldn’t it be a kick in the head if ms. mousy little graying haired lady was actually the biblical master-debater? I mean, I know she lives on the other side. I just don’t know where.
I could probably ask Freaky Eyebrows. Freaky Eyebrows was actually the first person I met when I moved here. When I came to look at the apartment, my mom and I were initially spotted “suspiciously hovering” around the complex by her and she had to immediately come over and ask us what we were doing. She is like the unofficial mascot of the creekside apartments. Well, actually that is just a polite way of saying she is an incredibly nosy bitch who has to know every single detail going on in the entire complex so that she can immediately report back to the landlord in complete detail with aerial photos, sound recordings, dna samples, fingerprints and I think secret video cam footage.
I did have a chance to take the apartment upstairs from her, but I knew right away, that would be a mistake, because I knew she would somehow be recording the keystrokes off my computer keyboard, decoding them and sending them off to Brent the Landlord, telling him I type the word “Masturbation” at least once every two hours, and that I should be evicted immediately because “my type” shouldn’t be allowed to live here.
But I’ve been nice to her. She doesn’t see the goo-goo face I make when I walk away, but I always say “hi". Unfortunately I have to walk through the breezeway to get to the library across the street and she always has her Freaky Eyebrow Motion Detector turned on and will always just randomly (cough) be coming out of her door when I walk by and her first question to me is always, “Is it quiet enough for you here? If its not, I can talk to Brent and he’ll evict whoever is making noise.”
I guess the first week I was here and there was that domestic spat across the way and then the masterdebator was out yelling bible quotes, I did mention that stuff to her and she evidentally got right on the case and called the landlord, because the next time I saw her (and believe me, I do try to avoid her, but she’s omnipotent), she very furtively said, “I told Brent about the couple fighting. He told them they had to quiet down or be evicted. He also told Judy she had to take her medication. She wasn’t taking her medication for a while, which was why she was yelling out her door. He told her he would evict her if she didn’t take her medication.”
Gulp. You mean you can get evicted if you don’t take your medications? Man, I am so busted.
So I thanked her for her help and walked back to my apartment. The next time I saw her again was this last week when alf the dork was trying to fix my car out in the parking lot. Oh dear....she didn’t like that. First she drove into the lot and looked over at us gathered around my car. Alf the dork did look a little scary with his long hippy hair, but I was standing right there next to him with my cute little pink flashlight. So she walked into the building with her neck craned in our direction. Its no wonder she didn’t trip over some stray tree branch. And then not 5 minutes later, she came back around the building with a bag of garbage, with her eyes totally transfixed on alf and me and my car. She slowly walked down to the garbage can, staring at us like she was trying to remember details for a police report and then went back in. And then like 8 minutes after that, she came back around the building, with her eyes totally transfixed on the excitement that was (cue music) “Witty’s Car Repair Scene starring witty and alf” and slowly walked to her car. She opened her trunk, got out a piece of lint, I think, closed her trunk, slowly turned back towards the building, still staring transfixed, carrying her lint, and then walked back to the building again.
While all this was happening I was providing a play-by-play account to my mom who was sitting in my car entitled, “The world’s nosiest woman...”. I knew this was bugging the shit out of her. Someone doing something in HER parking lot without HER permission. And I also knew she was dying to come over and start asking questions and possibly telling me that repairing my car in the parking lot was not something I was supposed to do and that it might possibly be grounds for, you know, eviction. But of course, how would I know this? I know virtually nothing about this apartment. I don’t have a signed lease. The landlord never got an application from me. He didn’t even know my name two days before I was moving in. I’m still not even sure if the heat is included with the rent. I think it is.
So as alf was struggling with the cellanoid(sp), I kept looking up towards the building and the bushes that surround them. I knew she was probably entrenched somewhere deep within the 7 foot high hedge with a pair of night-view goggles. She just seems like the type.
I guess I just don’t understand what is so fascinating about someone fixing a car out in a parking lot. Walter the Alzheimers Guy also came wandering out. He mentioned the creek once again, like “Oh, did you know there’s a creek over there?” Me: “Yes, I’ve seen it, thanks Walter” and then he said he hadn’t had a car since 1962. Well, good old man. Now go walk back to your apartment and take a little nappie, ok?
And then the last time I bumped into Freaky Eyebrows was a couple of nights ago. I had taken a nice walk around the Village. Over across from my complex there is a 40 something man who lives in a nice two story Victorian with a huge bay window. And in that bay window is a gorgeous grand piano which he plays everynight. And I love to surreptitiously creep up along the sidewalk just out of view and listen to him play. He has to be a professional musician since he is just too good to be a casual one. And on that particular night, he really caught my attention because he was playing one of my favorite Gershwin tunes, “Rhapsody in Blue”. I tried learning that back when I was in high school, all 40 some pages of it, but it was just too hard. But there he was pounding it out like ol’ George himself, and there I was, just standing outside the front of his house like some damn Gershwinesque stalker, wishing he would invite me in so that I could turn his pages, or something (wink, wink). But alas, he didn't...story of my life.
So anyways, walking back over to my apartment complex across the street, with “Rhapsody in Blue” twirling through my head, I was just walking by Freaky Eyebrows back porch, when suddenly she startled me with her voice.
“Is everyone being quiet enough for you? I can tell Brent if they’re not. I know he’ll evict them if they’re not...”
“Everything is fine, Freaky Eyebrows. Everything is fine.”
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty