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2005-10-17 @ 1:17 a.m.
karma karma khameleon


There is this new show called, “My name is Earl” about this doofus who has to make good with all the people he has wronged in his life in order to set his karma straight. I guess once he does that, he stands to win $100,000 on a lottery ticket. Now I haven’t watched the series in its entirety, since its merely a show which precedes my favorite “Boston Legal”, but I think its an interesting concept. Righting all the wrongs people have done in their lives.

Now we’re not talking about the “perceived” wrongs. I have a huge list of those. Its like 23 miles long and includes natural disasters, the extinction of certain species, the cancellation of people’s favorite television shows, the termination of Brad and Jen’s marriage, Guardcat’s bouts of projectile vomiting, the latest car accident in your town, Tom’s Cruise’s impending fatherhood, acid rain, Danny Boneduce’s need for anger management, your stopped up toilet, telemarketers calling at dinnertime, high gas prices, Jessica Simpson’s popularity, ughboots. I mean, I know that somehow...maybe in a Six Degrees of Separation from wittykitty kind of way, these things are all MY fault, but we’re talking about REAL things that people have done like:

  • Ben. Jen. Bennifer. Jennifer. Brad. Angelina. Bradgelina. Tom. Katie. Tomkat. And all the chaos caused by the retards over at the National Enquirer who sit around and put movie star names together all day. How come nobody ever put Bobby and Whitney’s name together? Bobney? Or Whitby? See I can do it too! Send me a check.

  • The war in Iraq. And I guess we all know who is responsible for that. And lets just say his karmatic payback is going to be pretty substantial.

  • There are a couple of good reality shows like “Survivor” and “The Apprentice”, but whoever is responsible for shows like “Surreal Life” about has-been TV stars, rock singers and porn stars all living in a house together. Like how mean is that? Not only for us who watch all these sad, desperate people trying to recapture their fame by being on a television show again (YAY, finally a gig!!), but by the people who make these shows, who really only want us to see how sad and desperate they have become since the viewing public have kicked them to the curb. Shame on them.

  • Mail order brides whose only objective is to boonswoggle lonely old rich guys out of their money and destroy family relationships because some old guy is blinded by the fact that some young chick is “in love” with them and suddenly everything she says and does cancels out logical thinking because lonely old rich guy’s penises are attached to the brain and the mail order brides knows this, so this is the first order of business, when they arrive, to ply it with compliments and promises of fidelity while they are secretly getting bank passwords and changing wills. And what’s funny about mail order bride karma? They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong by destroying families with their insidious soulless presence. Double bad karma for them. Ptoooey!

  • Spiders and mice who choose to live in my apartment without kicking in anything towards the rent.

  • The people who sew in clothing size tags. We all know you switch some of them for the sole purpose of making us feel fat. Like I know I take size 12, so why was that size 14 so damn tight last week when I tried it on. Did you guys all sit around laughing your asses off thinking, yeah, we’ll just switch like 330 tags, and make sure wittykitty gets one of them because we already know she’s freaked out about a small recent weight gain.

  • Traffic terrorist, and no I’m not talking about suicide bombers. I’m talking about all the idiots who endanger my life every day when I’m out driving. The little speeding up and passing things. The little cutting me off in traffic things. The little honking at me because it took .0000001 seconds to realize the light was green thing. The little I’m drinking my latte and talking on my gold plated, diamond encrusted cellphone and nearly plowed into your car things. What’s up with all of that? Well, you’ll pay, my friends. Heh! Just when you least expect it. Karma will bite your everlovin’ cell phone usin’ SUV drivin’ ass.

    Of course looking back at my ever growing list and realizing its getting late and I have to get up and go to work tomorrow, I realized I haven’t been particularly altruistic about any of this. I suppose you could look at the “My name is Earl” list in another way. Like why not make it a forgiveness list? Because Lord knows, I have quite a huge list of people on the List ‘O Shit.

    Yeah, I’m sure you’re shocked. Me holding onto a grudge? (yup) Me thinking ill of a former lover? (yup) Me wanting to take a machete to a former stepmother? (yup) Then why not make an effort, or at least a step towards trying to forgive them. I have several people I am not quite ready to forgive, namely the filipino mail order whore. Married Guy is fairly close to the top of this list too, although I do think forgiveness is a possibility, because after all, much of what happened was largely my doing, and how can you lay total blame on someone, when I was partially responsible? I mean you could, but it would certainly require a huge amount of energy to keep the hate fires burning and how much extra energy do I actually have to expend? Not much...let me tell you.

    So I thought I would do a short list of people and situations I would like to attempt to resolve so that that all those junk files I have on my hard drive of Life, can be deleted and I can hopefully start running a little more efficiently. Now I’m not saying this is going to work, but I really need to do something, because I am running so slow that I'm on the verge of freezing up and unfortunately there are no computer programs to unfreeze a 47 year old women. So here goes:

  • My mother. She never did anything particularly bad, it was just a cumulative thing, like belittling me, ignoring me, criticizing me. I now know she was very insecure and probably didn’t receive any nurturing when she was a kid, therefore she didn’t know how to dispense any.

  • My sexual abusers. I actually had two different ones. I was raped by an old man and then I was sexually molested by my brother. It certainly affected my view of life and men and made me fearful of a lot of things, not to mention the need for almost 30 years of therapy, but I can’t really change what happened, can I? Nope. Moving on...

  • My Dad. Although I was angry at him for choosing to believe the filipino mail order bride instead of me, I realize he was ill, and wasn’t really able to make informed decisions. It was just a bad situation all around. I still love him despite everything.

  • Zenshrink. Fondling your balls during my therapy session was probably not the best course of action for a therapist. It not only freaked me out, but it destroyed any trust I might have been trying to gently re-establish around men. Thanks, if for nothing else, establishing the fact that they’re not all pervs like you.

  • Bad bosses throughout my work history. Just because you were miserable, didn’t mean you had to make my life miserable. But the good news is, I was able to leave the job, and you weren’t. Neener, Neener.

  • Myself. I need the most forgiveness, because I am so hard on myself, that nobody could ever possibly surpass the amount of punishment I issue upon myself. And what’s funny is, I don’t even know what I’m being hard on myself about. Taking blame for being sexually abused? For causing my parent’s divorce? For constantly falling in love with the wrong people? Like I said, my list is very, very long and right at the moment, I feel like at the base of a huge mountain with one stick of dynamite hoping to make a 3 mile long tunnel. I just wish I could somehow figure out how to convince myself that I wasn’t actually responsible for the Fall of the Western Civilization. I mean, knowing me, I was probably watching an old episode of Pee Wee Herman while it was going down, yet I still keep insisting that I was somehow responsible. So this part of the process will remain that. A process...of both forgiveness and acceptance with maybe even a dash of self-love. Can you imagine that? Loving myself. Call the freakin’ National Enquirer!


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