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2005-11-14 @ 9:48 p.m.
six butts....no waiting


I just got home from getting my hair cut and realize that ahhhhhh, I have suddenly shed my cool hippie artist chick thing and now look like a Village soccer mom. I'm not sure where I went wrong. I've been slowly trimming my long hippie artist locks the last couple of months. Just an inch here and there. But today when I went into the beauty shop here in the Village, I met up with Robbie. Now Monday is the day when you can get your hair cut and washed for only $11.95, so I thought that was pretty reasonable and I am trying to do a mini makeover without having to go on reality television and stand in my underpants in front of the entire country. My goal? To catch me a yuppie before Christmas.

How this all transpired was first the comment by Charlemange who said I would be cute if I lost some weight. So I've actually been eating better and have started losing weight (five pounds so far). And then I dyed my hair and eyebrows and went to the maniacal filipino chick who waxed my entire face into submission with those evil kabuki eyebrow thingies, which if for nothing else, are kind of attention grabbing. And then today it was Robbie, a young gay man whose eyebrows were so elegantly arched and waxed, that my eyebrows and his eyebrows really had a lot to talk about. I tried not to look at them, but all I could think was, I wonder what drag club he worked at on the weekend. Because damn, they wuz just that pretty.

I love getting my hair washed and cut though. I’m so girlie in that way. And if its by a gay guy, even better. They just get it. They know how to make me feel like a queen. First thing after the wash, I sat in the chair and looked into the mirror, with my beauty muse looking over my shoulder.

“You would look great as a redhead!”

I actually know this. I did do the redhead thing when I lived out in California for a while. I am Irish after all. I’ve got the porcelain skin/blue eyes thing going on. And it was amazing how much attention I got when I was a redhead. A lot. Mostly out on the street. “Hey red!!!” I never realized that guys yelling out of cars were actually yelling at me. I used to be about 50 pounds lighter and although I never dressed sexy, I guess the redhead thing was enough. Because apparently that was arousing to guys who drove pimped out Chevies. I also once dyed my hair eggplant color. I actually liked that better. Deep, deep purple. It looked nice against my light skin. I had a male co--worker who called me Grape-Head. I don’t think that was said affectionately though.

Just as Robbie was getting ready to start cutting my hair, a mother walked by with a little blonde girl. She was just telling her that showing her belly in public was not acceptable, especially when you’re only in first grade. I glanced up at Robbie in the mirror and we both smirked. Once they were out of earshot, I said, “I bet that’s how Madonna got started”, because I figured that a gay guy would have an opinion about Madonna. And that he did. He told me about all his favorite incarnations of Madonna, but then wrinkled his nose at her latest video which evidently has her in workout sweats. I told him it was probably hard for a 47 year old woman to reinvent herself into infinity. He nodded and kind of rolled his eyes. I was, however, able to stop myself from telling him that Madonna and I were the same age. How depressing is that? I’m the same age as an obnoxious aging rock icon?

At least I have a sense of humor, though. :-)

I did get to see a theatrical production yesterday. I haven’t seen a play in quite a long time, so it was quite nice that my mom won tickets to a local production of “The FuIl M0nty”. So a play...a musical....and naked boy butts! All in the same afternoon!! Yay!

I didn’t really know much about the show other than it was based on a British movie which I had seen years ago. I only knew it was about a bunch of out of work factory guys who needed to make some money so they decided to have a one-time-only strip-o-rama in their local town and rather than just stripping down to their g-strings, they decided to go to the FuIl M0nty, which of course, is totally nekkid al’fresco.

It was a fun show, of course, but a little bolder than perhaps, our little town is used to. We usually only have shows like “The Sound of Music”, “Sweet Charity” and “West Side Story”, not shows with *gasp* the “F” word, boys holding hands and well, the FuIl M0nty. Nudity of course, doesn’t phase me at all, because I see naked people every week in my art class. So, meh, a penis, yeah, whatevah. Well, okay, maybe getting to see SIX male butts all at the same time was kinda cool, but what I was really highly amused about was the fact that the matinee crowd was about 95% women over 70 years old.

The crowd was also sprinkled with those weird cultish Red Hat Society women. Do you know who they are? They’re a bunch of old women who dress in purple dresses or blazers and then wear these huge gaudy red hats with feathers or sequins or long flowing pokey dotty things. They kind of creep me out in the same way as clowns do. They also wear lots of make up and smile a lot and talk about their vacation homes in Florida. They are just like totally uber freakish. And then during the intermission, when I went to the restroom, I happen to peek into the bathroom, and it was totally filled with these Stepford Purple Hat women, who all looked and smiled simultaneously, as if programmed by some mad scientist. So I slowly backed out and walked all the way to the other side of the building to a single small bathroom I knew about from a recent seminar I attended. Because I just knew, if I went into that bathroom, all the Red Hatted Woman would engulf me, like a bunch of ravenous Pacmans and the only thing that would be left would be my pentacle necklace since that is like kryptonite to their secret cult it seems.

And not surprisingly later, as the play progressed, I could feel the entire room cringing everytime someone on stage said “Fuck” or when the two men held hands for about 30 seconds. I actually think I smelled smoke when the Red Hat cyborgs started short circuiting. Lawdy! I guess they should have thought of that before they went to see a play called “The FuIl M0nty”, huh? Of course you never know...maybe they thought the show was about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.



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