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2005-11-19 @ 10:15 p.m.
beamer plot unfolds near olive garden


I don’t know if its just me, but does anyone else have a different personality once they get into their cars? Because I know, I do. I’m not sure why, but I suddenly do things I don’t normally do in real life. Express anger? Hoo-boy, do I ever! In real life, people can load things on top of my head and I just kind of stand there blandly, nodding my head, proudly showing the big “Kick Me” sign I have pinned to my ass. But when I’m in my car, I’m like this malevolent supernova of nuclear powered anger. I scream. I curse. I toss out elaborate put downs if someone in an SUV cuts me off like “You stupid self absorbed, lipsuctioned, anal retentive, Starbucks-swilling pampered soccer pussy. Don’t you know that your husbands screwing your best friend, his chiropractor and the gardener!?!” And then at the next light, she’ll pull up next to me, act all haughty and I’ll glance at her sideways and kind of smile thoughtfully and say under my breathe, “Vegan, mouth breathing twit brain.”

Its not all anger in my car though. We all know that people flirt in their cars. Right? Come on, admit it. You’re stopped at a light. You glance over at the car next to you. And there’s some guy looking back at you! And its not like I’m Angelina Jolie or anything. Maybe the windows are dirty or the guy just had a fight with the girlfriend or he’s just a (cough) typical guy doing what typical guys do, scoping out chicks at stop lights. And for some reason, unlike real life, I can actually flirt back.

But first, the stupidest thing I ever did was when I was in Los Angeles as a teenager. My Dad had taken me down to L.A. for Easter vacation in my junior year and we went to a taping of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I was excited of course, because Johnny Carson was a big deal in the 1970’s and we actually went to two tapings in two days. The first night Alan Alda was a guest which was exciting, because he was at the height of his fame as Hawkeye on M*A*S*H, and of course, I loved M*A*S*H because of its ironic humor and I really enjoyed it.

But it was the second night where I had my roadway encounter. My Dad and I had just seen a second taping of The Tonight Show and the guest host had been comedian David Brenner. David Brenner was fairly popular back in the 1970’s and even though Johnny wasn’t there, it was still an enjoyable show with Brenner. Afterwards we were driving on the main street out in front of the studios, going back to our hotel when I suddenly looked to my right and there was David Brenner driving in a car right next to us. And I was like “Hey Dad! There’s David Brenner!! What should I do?” And my Dad said, “Wave to him!” Now this is not something I would have ever thought of. Why? Because I’m cool. I don’t wave at celebrities driving in cars next to me. But I guess I was caught up in the moment of seeing the guy who had just guest hosted The Tonight Show and suddenly, almost involentarily, waving at comedian David Brenner at a stop light.

GEEK ALERT GEEK ALERT...WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP

Pretty much, as soon as I stuck my hand up to wave at him and he turned to see me, I knew that I had made a mistake, because, he very kindly turned and waved back, which would have been all fine and good, except for the fact, that now....David Brenner, who had just guest hosted The Tonight Show decided it would be funny to wave at me at every freakin’ stop light for the next 237 blocks.

Oh-My-Freakin-God!

And he did all kinds of waves. Little wiggly finger waves. Big jumbo waves. He even opened the car window and shouted a big hearty hello at about the fifth stop light. And there was also another guy in the car with him and he started waving too. And they were both laughing like hell. And what was I doing? Oh....sinking deep down into the car seat...like below the window. And I guess they thought that was pretty funny, because that made them be even sillier. They did finally turn off and head up a hill, but I was so embarrassed, that I didn’t even watch The Tonight Show that night like I had done with the Alan Alda show. I felt too stupid. Like he would somehow turn a certain way and do a little wave or something. So I never wave at anyone anymore. But I do flirt...like today.

I was driving along the boulevard on the way to work. Its a three lane street and I was in the middle lane stopped for a light. I was rocking out to Mick Jagger singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, because that is definitely my anthem these days. And yes, I am one of those nano-geeks who writhe around like I’m having a seizure (the white girl’s version of rhythm) when I’m listening to music in my car. And then two cars pulled up on either side of me. A man on the right. A man on the left. Woo! Hoo! But rather than sedately tone down my thrusting and writhing, I just continued to rock out with Mick...

”I can’t get no...s.a.t.i.s.f.a.c.t.i.o.n.! no no no.

And not surprisingly, I had the full attention of both men. Whether they were medical professionals wondering if I needed some kind of assistance, I don’t know, but they were both totally fascinated. I could just tell after a cursory glance in both directions. The guy on my left had white hair (yuck), so I subconsciously started playing to the guy on the right.

”And I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, and I’ve tri---ed. I can’t GET NO....SATISFACTION.”>

And then the light changed. And since I do have an old piece of crap car, and the two guys pulled out faster than me, I discovered something rather amazing. Well, actually it was a fucking miracle. Two men. Two BMWs. One black. One red. What are the chances of that ever happening? Especially outside of L.A.? Especially HERE??? And they were both grooving on me!!!! SCORE!!!!!

I did manage to catch up with them at the next light and continued to dazzle with my extraordinary musical car prowess. I then noticed that the guy with the white hair had picked up a cell phone and was talking on it, and for some reason that caught my attention. I was then startled to notice something else. Now I don’t want you to think I forgot my meds or anything, but the white haired guy driving in the sleek black BMW on my left looked like Dick Cheney. I mean a lot. And I don’t even live near Washington D.C. or any Haliburton outlets. Holy shitski. What would Dick Cheney be doing driving down the boulevard in a big black Darth Vadarish Beamer? I looked over at him again and he was looking directly at me rather furtively and then talking into this cell phone that looked like something out of a James Bond movie.

I then looked back over at the guy in the red Beamer and he was now looking directly past me at Dick. Whoa. Here I was driving down the Boulevard between two BMWs, going exactly the same speed and I WAS JUST NOTICING IT?? I guess I should have realized that something was amiss because our town only has about 2 BMWs anyways. And what were the odds that I would be enclosed by two BMWs at 9:37 a.m. on a Saturday morning? I then stepped on my brakes a little. You know, in case there was gunfire or a suicide bomber thingie. We all looked at each other wearily. I tried to drop back further, but they all slowed down too.

Damn, and I was already late for work anyways. What would I tell “J”? Oh, I was just involved in an international plot involving the possible abduction of Vice President Dick Cheney over on the boulevard near Olive Garden. He already thinks I’m a flake because I’m from California and wear a wiccan necklace.

I finally managed to fall behind the red Beamer, just enough to make an abrupt right turn off the boulevard and go to work a different way. And so far, I haven’t heard of anything any news of Cheney being abducted. Of course, how would you know? We see him so seldom and only hear about his acrimonious mumbling from time to time.

So on the way home after work and seeing a movie (“Shop Girl” I really liked it), I decided to keep the rock and roll car driving diva thing under wraps. I did come up behind a black Lincoln with the vanity plate that read “Whip it”. And silly me. I thought that maybe the ever luminous goddess de’ HissandTell might be in town directing her own all cowboy version of “The Full Monty”, complete with studded codpieces and stockwhips, but alas, the Whip-its were actually those funny looking doggies with long skinny noses who were peering out of the back window of the car.

Hey, you just never know what you’ll see when you’re out driving.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty

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