2005-11-28 @ 8:30 p.m.
Iíve always been a kind of ďI wishĒ kind of girl. I wish I had this, I wish I had that. I wish this would happen. I wish that would happen. I wish I could win the lottery. I wish I could lose some weight. I wish my car worked better. I wish Johnny Depp would come to his senses and leave that beautiful, thin, waifish French model chick for me. Because I always thought, if I wished for something hard enough, it would come true.
I actually think this whole wishing thing was left over from my childhood, because I used to do a lot of wishing then too. Like I used to wish that my Dad would stop drinking and that my parents would stop fighting and that I could go live with my aunt because she baked cookies for her kids all the time. I think I used the wishing thing kind of excessively where my emotional life was concerned, because I always felt like I had so little control over things that were happening. I guess I thought if I just shut my eyes really tightly and scrunched up my face really scrunchily and wished really hard, everything I wanted would come true. But they didnít. In fact, it seemed to have the exact opposite effect. Everything I really wanted and wished for, always seemed to get knocked further from my reach, the second I shut my eyes. Now is that fair?
I guess I still look at wishing like a kid looks at wishing. Like if Iím really good, maybe the Wish Fairy will grant me the wishes I so richly deserve
Whoops. Did I really say that aloud? Because I think that, was perhaps the problem. The fact that I thought I deserved something. Because I was pretty consistently told I didnít deserve anything growing up. Of course that never cut into my wishing time. Oh no. For instance, when I had my mad crush on Married Guy and I used to house-sit for him, I would sleep in his bed and wake up in the morning, look around and say, ďI wish I could have this.Ē And then I would get out of bed, walk out into his house, with its beautiful wide plank floors and beautiful decor and say, ďI wish I could have this.Ē And then I would walk by his desk and lovingly look at all the messiness with all its papers, and lap top and kidís and dog photos decorating it, and say, ďI wish I could have this too.Ē I mean, I knew this wasnít possible, but it didnít mean I couldnít engage in some heavy duty wishing. I didnít really think I could ever have any of it, despite what ďAĒ thought.
But, of course, that doesnít keep me from continuing to wish for other things. My car is in really bad shape once again. Something on the right side, where I just replaced the tie rod, is rubbing so badly, that I literally grit my teeth everytime I have to step on my brakes and turn a corner. Iíve already popped a tie rod once 2 years ago and it wasnít pretty. So what am I wishing for? Oh, maybe for the heavens to part, and a bolt of lightening to HIT the parking lot out back, and a new 2006 Passat to magically replace my piece of crap Ford Tempo of Doom. The odds of that happening?
Second wish? A winning lottery ticket. Its funny, my mother is constantly telling me that she is an optimist and I am a pessimist. Ya think if she tells me 10,000 times itíll come true? Because believe it or not, I am completely convinced that I am going to win the fucking lottery. I mean totally. It doesnít mean, I donít swear and curse the lottery gods every time I scratch off a losing ticket. But youíve never seen anyone dork out so much when they win $1.00. I just stand there and gaze at it like its the $50 million King King winning lottery ticket.
Unlike my mother, I donít immediately sink my winnings back into more lottery tickets. I just tuck my ďwinningsĒ into my wallet and walk out of the store looking all smug, like hey, I got me a brand new dollar bill and I'm going to Cancun!
My third wish? My love life. I wish I could meet someone. I know ďAĒ doesnít believe I even contemplate anything about my love life, but thatís really all I think about. At night in bed...gee I wish I had someone to spoon (and other things) with. At work...gee, I wish I had someone whoíd send me sweet little goofy love e-mails. On weekends...gee, I wish I had someone to go hiking with or shopping with or to the movies with and reading the New York Times in bed with. Sure, this is an idealized version of a relationship, but hey, we are in the wishing mode, right?
The thing is though, I guess Iíve realized, that the things that I wish for the hardest, are the things that are taking the longest to come to fruition. In fact, Iím beginning to wonder if theyíll ever come true. I know, I know, there's that gnarly pessimist popping his head up, but hey, that seems to be the reality of the situation. So what should I do?
Well, something kind of interesting happened this last week. A very, VERY kind person in my life sent me an early Christmas present in the form of a gift certificate for an online shopping website. It was very unexpected and quite spectacular. I donít get many gifts because basically its just me and my mom and sheís on disability and doesnít have much money. Iím okay with that, because that is just how my life is. Iím not a real high maintenance girl. But suddenly this last week, I had this big olí honking gift certificate and frankly, I was sort of paralyzed. I was like...ummm....heh....ummm. Gee. What do I do? Because I havenít had the freedom to just spend money, shall we say, frivolously (as in, on something besides bills), in a really long time. I felt as awkward as a one legged emu. But the feeling soon passed and I got mostly things I wouldnít normally buy like jewelry and books.
I also got a new pair of Reebok sneakers, which arrived today. And its funny, the box never even touched the floor. I just ripped it open as I walked into my apartment from work and then immediately took off on a two mile walk. That, in itself, was like winning the lottery.
I guess what Iím saying, it was rather telling, that when I took like 2 seconds off from my incessant wishing, that I got something very unexpected and lovely. And I think there may be a lesson in there somewhere, donít you think?
So if the Wish-Granting Fairy is listening, never mind about me wanting a 2006 Passat or a winning lottery ticket or even a boyfriend whoís willing to help me finish the New York Times puzzle and give me lots of kisses. Just do what you think is best and let me be surprised next time. OK? Thanks!
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty