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2006-03-10 @ 12:38 a.m.
longest survey in the history of the world. bring pillows. drink caffeine. get a babysitter.


Got an hour? Want to get upclose and personal with your favorite neurotic artist? No? So you're saying you have a life? Ok, but you're bound to miss some great stuff that will likely turn up on the Smoking Gun website shortly and then you'll be kicking yourself, saying why(???) oh why (???) didnít I just sit and read that absolutely fascinating survey about awittykitty? Dang. I think I need to punch myself in the head.

Oh? So you want to stay? Good, well you might want to take a quick pee break. Or maybe eat a twelve course meal. Because its pretty lengthy. Its kind of like the "War and Peace" of surveys. So you ready? Okay, here goes...

BASICS


1. Your name: witty
2. Straight/gay/bi?: Straight...without a doubt. Although if Angelina Jolie ever wants to...

3. Single?: Miserably so.

4. Want to be?: No. I used to not care, but once I hit 40 and realized I was laying in front of the TV eating pretzels with my cat, that I had nothing to show for my life. I had no relationship. No children. No home. No IRA account. No SUV. Nothing. I also realized how lonely, unfulfilled and unhappy I was. And it was only during my "relationship" with Married Guy, where I caught a glimpse of what family life was like, that I realized what I was missing. Now I'm on a mission to at least get a tail end of life with a real family. Wish me luck.

5. Your birthday: 02/12/1958.

6. Age you act: I definitely don't act 48. AT ALL. I actually acted old when I was young and now that I'm old, I act like a member of the 11th grade Dork Club. Just don't pull up next to me at a stoplight, because I'll probably be singing "Born to be Wild" along with radio, complete with choreography.

7. Age you wish you were: Not really sure. I just wish I had the body I had when I was 28, and the knowledge that I have now.

8. Your height: 5'3" barely. I come from a family of midgets. My dad was 5'6" and my mom barely 4'11".

9. The color of your eyes: Blueish, or maybe blue/greenish.

10. Happy with it?: Sure. I'm Irish, what else could they be?

11. The color of your hair: The real one? Or the Clairol one? Real one: Dark Brown. Clairol: Egyptian papyrus or something exotic like that.

12. Happy with it?: Sure. I like my hair. Its one of my best features actually. Its long and tousled and wavy and men from all over the Universe want to run their fingers through it. Or least that's what D.W. (Delusional witty) tells me when weíre walking through the mall.

13. Left/right/ambidextrous?: Oh, I'm totally righty all the way.

14. Your living arrangement?: Tiny apartment overlooking a creek with a neurotic cat.

15. Your family: I still have a mother and 4 siblings, 2 brothers in New York and 2 sisters (one in Florida and one in Poland). My sister in Poland just went to the Olympics in Torino.

16. What's your job: Supermodel in an alternate universe.

17. Piercings?: Just one hole in each ear. My dentist did the honors when I was 11.

18. Tattoos?: None, although I would like to get a small celtic design atop my ass crack.

19. Obsessions?: The list is far too long. Germs. Revenge. Being Happy. Dark Chocolate Non-pereils. Doing art. Internet. Cleaning. Wanting to find my soulmate.

20. Do you speak another language?: Sheesh, I can barely speak English, why mess things up with Hablo Espanol?

21. Have a favorite quote?: "Reality is for people without imagination."

22. Do you have a webpage?: Yes. Several. But you have to know me to get the addresses.

DEEP THOUGHTS


23. Do you live in the moment?: Yes. Always. Too much so. I don't plan for the future much, because I'm always too busy putting out fires that are constantly popping up in my life.

24. Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes, except when I'm PMSing and then I'm glad I don't have access to a gun.

25. Do you have any secrets?: So many that my head would explode if all the planets ever lined up in a certain configuration.

26. Do you hate yourself?: I hate that I'm stuck on certain aspects of my life. I feel like happiness is like 3 millimeters away from my fingertips and I'm really frustrated that I can't quite reach it.

27. Do you like your handwriting?: Yes.

28. Do you have any bad habits?: Yes! Eating too much chocolate. Obsessing about what people think of me. Not believing people when they compliment me. I also need to clean out my car more and be assertive.

29. What is the compliment you get most from people?: Probably that I have a great sense of humor and that I'm reliable as far as work is concerned.

30. If a movie were made about your life, what would it be called?: "I See Naked PeopleĒ.
32. Can you sing: Only in my car, and lets just say, Iím fabulous!

33. Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: Constantly. I pretend to be cool in my diary too, but Iím actually pretty geeky in person. I think that is why in the last year Iíve taken on the Artist Persona, in hopes that people will actually think Iím cool. Little do they know that I will frequently be walking to my car before I'll realize that Iíve got my shirt or sweater on backwards.

34. Are you a loner?: Yes, but not by choice. Iím very shy and it takes a long time to open up to people. Most people arenít willing to wait around. But I am definitely worth waiting for....really. :-)

35. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: Iíd probably think gee, that girl is kinda snobby and aloof and I wonder why sheís wearing her clothes backwards...But then once I got to know me and realized that all that blustery self righteous anger is really a cover for a delicate artistic soul, Iíd probably fall in love with me. Is that wrong?

36. Are you a daredevil?: Heh, Iím afraid of lint...next question...

37. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I hate that Iím so afraid of so many things. I need to loosen up and believe when people tell me Iím pretty or funny or talented because who knows, maybe I am! Woot!

38. Are you passive or aggressive?: Mostly passive, unless you tick me off.

39. What is your greatest strength and weakness?: My sense of humor is my greatest strength. It helps me to cope with a lot of things. My greatest weakness? Low self esteem.

40. If you could change one thing about yourself?: Iíd be more assertive and proactive and stick up for myself when things happen...Not a month later when it doesnít matter any more.

41. There are three wells - love, beauty and creativity. Which one do you choose?: This is hard. My initial response was creativity...definitely, because that is how I define myself, as a creative person. A writer. An artist. A photographer. I even see the world only in a creative context much of the time. But then I thought, hmmm, love. I could sure use me that Well of Love. So maybe I can sublet the Well of Love and live at the Well of Creativity Condo Complex only part of the year. That way I could get a little of both.

42. How do you vent?: Isnít it obvious? My diary. Writing is the best way for me to circumvent my anger. I also, of course, talk to ďAĒ about things. We used to do anger role plays, but had to stop because certain things started happening.

43. Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Yes.

44. Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: Yes. Telling my Dadís filipino mail order whore that I was onto the fact that she was stealing my Dadís money. El Big Mistake-O. She diverted all my Dadís money to bank accounts in the Philippines, moved him there after he got Alzheimerís and changed his will so that I got NOTHING. I just hope that one day karma bites her in her little skinny ass in some very big monumental way.

45. Do you think life has been good so far?: Meh. Its had its ups and downs. I'm still waiting for the really good part.

46. What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: You can only depend on yourself.

47. What do you like the most about your body?: Nice hair. Nice ass. Nice eyes.

48. And least?: The roll of girly fat around my middle. I hate it. It must go. Bad fat. Bad.

49. Do you think you are good looking?: With a little effort Iím not bad looking.

50. Are you confident?: No.

51. What is the fictional character you're most like?: Probably Diane Keaton in ďAnnie HallĒ combined with Maddie Hayes from ďMoonlightingĒ with a little Woody Allen thrown in from any of his films.

52. Do people know how you feel?: Usually, especially when Iím perturbed. Although they NEVER know when I like them, because Iím really good at hiding that.

53. Are you perceived wrongly?: Yes, frequently. People think Iím aloof when Iím really just shy. But than I scare the hell out of them but blurting out some hilariously naughty double entendre.

DO YOU...
54. Smoke?: No.

55. Do drugs?: Not anymore. I used to smoke pot when I was younger. But I donít do anything anymore. Iím just high on life, baby! Yeah, right.

56. Read the newspaper?: Just the headlines. Once in a while Iíll pick up a copy of the New York Daily News because its so rich in great New York stories, like murders, drug busts, old Eye-talian ladies seeing images of Jesus on their pantry doors. Its interesting reading.

57. Pray?: You mean like ďPlease Jesus, please let me win on this lottery ticket.Ē Other than that, no.

58. Go to church?: I think the religious statues would start hurling themselves off their bases if I walked in, so maybe its best if I don't.

59. Talk to strangers who IM you?: No.

60. Sleep with stuffed animals?: Yes. I sleep with Bear Bear, a large dilapidated teddy bear Iíve had for about 7 years.

61. Take walks in the rain?: I did today, but not by choice.

62. Talk to people even though you hate them?: Not if I can help it.

63. Drive?: Duh!
64. Like to drive fast?: Yes, although in my Ford Tempo of Doom, thatís really a death sentence.

65. Like your voice?: Yes.

66. Hurt yourself?: Once I was carrying 2 six packs of...no not beer, but flowers and I missed a step and fell down a flight of stairs and hit my head on a cement sidewalk. I think I might have been momentarily knocked unconscious, but I was able to walk to my neighbors house bleeding profusely. I sprained my neck and got 8-9 stitches that day. Yay me!!

67. Been out of the country?: Canada. Lima, Peru. Bogota, Columbia. Bahamas. My mom was in Cuba when she was pregnant with me, does that count?

68. Eaten something that made other people sick?: No. Iím a wimp when it comes to scary food items. Iíd never be able to win ďFear FactorĒ.

69. Burped?: Never in public.

70. Been unfaithful?: Never.

71. Been in love?: Yes.

72. Done drugs?: Didn't we have this question before?

73. Gone skinny dipping?: Yes. Hasnít everyone?

74. Had a surgery?: Had my tonsil out when I was six.

75. Ran away from home?: Wanted to when I was 35 and lived with my mother.

76. Played strip poker: No, but sounds fun.

77. Gotten beaten up?: Other than by my mother, no.

78. Been picked on?: Yes, my mom used to pick on me as a kid...all the time. Thatís why I have such wonderful self esteem.

79. Been on stage?: Yes! I used to do theatre in high school and college. The main shows I can remember doing include: ďThe VisitĒ, ďOnce in a LifetimeĒ and ďCabaretĒ. ďCabaretĒ was my favorite because its my absolute favorite musical, so getting to be IN it was awesome, even if our production wasnít.

80. Slept outdoors?: In a tent once. Not a big fan of that. Too scared some rabid raccoon might bite my tender nibblies.

81. Thought about suicide?: Sure. Who hasn't? Luckily I have a hard-ass thoughtful shrink who thought I was worth saving and did everything he could to keep me safe. Thanks ďAĒ.

82. Pulled an all-nighter?: Nope.

83. If yes, what is your record?: Next.

84. Talked on the phone all night?: I havenít talked all night, but I have talked until like 2:30-3 a.m. with my first boyfriend in high school. I had come home from his house and he called me back and said if I came back over, heíd make out with me. I was all excited because we had never done that, so I asked my mom if I could go back over to his house and she said NO. So I called him back with the bad news. We ended up talking for about 4 hours, deep into the night. I was so in luuurve!!!

85. Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex?: Yes.

86. Slept all day?: Yes. When I used to suffer from severe depression it wasnít unusual for me not to get out of bed for several days. I donít do that anymore, fortunately. Again...thanks ďAĒ!

87. Killed someone?: Not yet.

88. Made out with a stranger?: No.

89. Had sex with a stranger?: No.

90. Thought you were going crazy?: Duh! All the time, especially when Iím manic.

91. Kissed the same sex?: No.

92. Done anything sexual with the same sex?: No.

93. Been betrayed?: Abso-fucking-lutely.

94. Had a dream that came true?: Gosh I hope not, because I dreamed that I stomped a guy with a hook arm to death last night. Pretty weird, huh? Guess its better to dream that than to do it.

95. Broken the law?: Other than speeding in my car, no.

96. Met a famous person?: Lots of them. Iím sure I will be forgetting some but here is a partial list. Ed Sullivan, Bob Hope, Jackie Gleason, Gordon McCrea, Bing Crosby, Janis Joplin, Lena Horne, Florence Henderson, Merv Griffin, Alan Alda, Gloria Steinhem, Johnny Carson, David Brenner, Shirley MacLaine, Jack Lemmon, Laura Dern, Milton Berle, Mikail Baryshnikov, Joel Grey, Liza Minnelli, Kathleen Turner, Nicholas Cage, Treat Williams, Billy Joel, Billy Baldwin, Alec Baldwin, Whoopi Goldberg, Robin Williams, Mark Harmon, Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Kenny (Spongebob), James L. Brooks, Werner Klemperer (Col. Klink), Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Polly Holiday, Estelle Parsons, the Smothers Brothers, Ben Vereen, Sally Field (I was almost her stand-in for a film they were filming in our area in the 1980s. I lied about my height and they said I was the wrong height, but I was actually the right height, dagnabbit!), Henry Winkler, Barry Miller, and more...I just canít remember them all. I used to work occasionally as a film extra in California.

97. Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: Yes, I have murdered twice. Once I hit a quail on the way to my shrink appointment in California and sobbed for hours. And then I ran over my neighborís kitten in the driveway and was so distraught I had to call in sick to work. I cried for like 3 days.

98. Stolen anything?: Other than glances at married men, no.

99. Been on radio/TV?: Yes, I was on the Merv Griffin Show when I was in high school. I went to LA with my Dad on Spring Break and we went to see Merv, baby and he asked for volunteers from the audience and my Dad literally pushed me into the aisle. Merv saw this and invited me onstage. My task?? Square dancing with country western singers. Hee haw!! See, I told you I was cool. I danced with the Hagar Twins. Remember them? No? Me either, but they were on ďHee HawĒ in those days.

100. Been in a mosh-pit?: No.

101. Had a nervous breakdown?: Yes. Several.

102. Considered religious vocation?: ha, ha, ha.

103. Been criticized about your sexual performance?: No.

104. Bungee jumped?: Weíre talking about a girl whoís afraid of lint, so no.

105. Had a dream that kept coming back?: For many years I used to dream about seeing a tornado in the distance and then it would come right up to where I was standing and I would be terrified that I was going to die, but then the tornado would always bypass the house. Weird.

FASHION

106. Shoe brand?: Reeboxs.

107. Brand of clothing?: Nothing in particular. I buy all of my clothes from thrift stores, so Iím not exactly a slave to fancy labels.

108. Cologne/perfume?: I donít wear perfume. I do spritz on a light citrus scent. And I do have some patchouli oil I put on, but only very lightly since I know most people havenít liked the smell since about 1969.

109. What are you normally wearing to school/work?: Black slacks. Black sweater. Black socks. Black boots. Black panties. Black bra. Just the usual regulation artist outfit.

110. Wear hats?: Only my fuzzy, soft black John Lennon beret in the winter.

111. Wear make-up?: Yes, I have to, so as not to scare old people and children. Just some foundation to cover up dark circles, mascara, a little blush, and usually a little lipstick.

112. Favorite place to shop?: Art supply stores. Oh! And Amazon.com. Thatís nice too!

113. Favorite article of clothing?: My white cotton nightie. Its very ďPride and PrejudiceĒ looking.

114. Are you trendy?: I would be if I had more money.

115. Would you rather wear a uniform to school/work?: No. I would hate to have to wear a uniform.

BELIEFS

116. Believe in life on other planets?: Sure. I keep hoping they abduct George W. Bush and take him back to their planet, but so far no luck.

117. Miracles?: Richard Simmons is still hyperactive and able to wear shorts...so sure.

118. Astrology?: Its something fun to look at and I do think the personality traits are somewhat accurate, but I donít think I would change an event if the planets werenít aligned properly.

119. Magic?: Not sure.

120. God?: In my own way, I guess.

121. Satan?: Oh you mean Kelly Ripa? I always try to avert my eyes while flipping through the channels in the morning.

122. Santa?: The old creepy guy...with the scraggly beard....and rouge and the ďhey little girl, ya wanna sit on my lap, ho, ho, ho.Ē What do you think?

123. Ghosts?: Yes. Absolutely. My last apartment was haunted. My printer and VCR used to turn on...by themselves. Cartons of eggs would jump off the counter...by themselves. Glasses of soda would hurl themselves off my desk...by themselves. One night my landlordís car started...out in the driveway....at 2:13 a.m....by itself. So yes, I do believe in ghosts.

124. Luck?: Yes. I just donít have any...YET.

125. Love at first sight?: Yes?

126. Yin and Yang?: Why do I suddenly feel like ordering sushi?

127. Witches?: Yes. I used to work with one. She was reading everyoneís palms during lunch and telling everyone, ďOh, youíre going to sleep with 8 men, or 10 men, or 15 menĒ and then she read my palm and looked up very sadly at me and said, ďWell, witty, it looks like youíre only going to sleep with 2 men in your entire life. Sorry.Ē And I was thinking thanks for giving me that piece of astonishing news in front of all my female coworkers who all snickered and whispered when she said that. Thanks.

128. Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: For me...yes. For him....not so sure.

129. Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: No, because Iíve looked repeatedly, dammit.

130. Do you wish on stars?: You mean like Barry Manilow?
LOVE

131. Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title?: No
.
132. Do you remember your first love?: Yes. His name was Mike and he let me jump on his trampoline when his parents werenít home. We were 8. It felt so dangerous.

133. Still love him/her?: No, because I think he let other girls jump on his trampoline too.

134. Do you consider love a mistake?: Absolutely not.

135. What do you find romantic?: I like when he remembers things that I said or like and does something related to that. It means heís actually listening. That means a lot.

136. Turn-on?: Wit, verbal sparring abilities, dark hair/dark eyes, intelligence, compassion.

137. Turn-off?: Ignorance, jealousy, self-importance, self-righteousness, cheating.

138. Do you base your judgment on looks alone: Ok, I admit, Iím kind of shallow. I do like my men to be good looking. So sue me!

139. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?: Probably angsty, wondering how I was going to escape their dating radar. Actually a coworker asked me out to lunch today, but I said no. I didnít want to give him false hope. Weíve already been out to lunch once, and all he talked about was his girlfriend in high school. Heís in his 30ís and I was thinking, get over it, dude.

140. Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"?: Knowing them first. Iím very shy and to be thrown into a blind date situation would be too stressful.

141. Have you ever wished it were more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?: Meh, too shy to do it anyways.

142. Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?: Nope. Remember the shallow thing.

143. Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Some of them do, some of them don't. Depends if they have their glasses on.

144. What is best about the opposite sex?: If theyíre the right one, they want to please you.

145. What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: if they're lying, cheating bastards

146. What's the last present someone gave you?: The very loverly and delightful Hissandtell sent me some very lovely gifties for my birthday in February. And Iím so styliní now. Thanks Hiss! Youíre a sweetie, but I think you know that.

147. Are you in love?: In a way.

148. Do you consider your significant other hot?: I don't officially have a significant other, but a person I like is kind of cute.

149. What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk?: Oh the usual, look down at the ground like Iím looking for stray twenty dollar bills. Hotties donít usually look at me, so I REALLY don't have to worry.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

150. That haunted you?: Oh, heh, heh, I thought it said, hunted. I guess I would say Married Guy.

151. You wanted to kill?: Gee if I tell you that, theyíll find my diary and Iíll get convicted.

152. That you laughed at?: Some new guy I met at work today. He introduced himself and was kind of funny and said he felt somewhat invisible because he still didnít have a mailbox or a nameplate for his cubical, so we both came up with a superhero name for him. Blankman. His real name is Bernie. I just hope I can remember his REAL name the next time I see him.

153. That laughed at you?: Blankman.

154. That turned you on?: Thatís a secret.

155. You went shopping with?: My mom at the Evil Empire.

156. That broke your heart?: Married Guy. definitely.

157. To disappoint you?: Married Guy.

158. To ask you out?: The geeky male coworker who asked me out to lunch today.

159. To make you cry?: I cry constantly. I donít need human intervention.

160. To brighten up your day?: Probably ďAĒ when he complimented the way I looked on Tuesday. I definitely donít get enough of that. I liked it. Thanks ďAĒ.

161. That you thought about?: Also a secret, Part XXVI. I do have his picture on my computer though.

162. You saw a movie with?: A client this summer. We saw the putrid ďHouse of WaxĒ with Paris Hilton.

163. You talked to on the phone?: My married male co-worker ďJĒ this morning. He called with the intention of discussing our new upcoming group, but we ended up talking for almost an hour and a half about everything, including personal stuff. I got a little nervous when he started saying things like ďYou have a beautiful face. And your eyes are really beautiful.Ē And Iím like thinking....and this is related to work...how?

164. You talked to through IM?: My friend ďGĒ down in Manhattan. I always say Goodnight to him everynight when I sign off.

165. You saw?: I went to the library across the street this afternoon to use their computers and saw a bunch of kids from a boy scout troop.

166. You lost?: My Dad. The three year anniversary of his death is on March 23. I miss and love him very much.

167. You thought was completely insane?: The psycho lesbian. The edict came down from my boss on Monday. She WILL be allowed to continue to use our services. Her sexual harassment and intense anger towards me is evidently only of miniscule importance. I guess they wonít do anything until she attempts to murder me out in the parking lot. Yay!

168. You wanted to be?: The person with the winning $380 million Powerball ticket a couple of weeks ago. Silly me.

169. You told off?: Married Guy a year and a half ago in an e-mail.

170. You trusted?: ďAĒ

171. You turned down?: The coworker who asked me out to lunch today.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...

172. Smiled?: When I was talking to Blankman today.

173. Laughed?: When I saw a naughty dog sex video on MySpace.com today.

174. Cried?: During ďAĒs appointment on Tuesday.

175. Bought something?: Groceries today.

176. Danced?: Ummm, never?

177. Were sarcastic?: Like when was the last time I breathed.

178. Hugged someone?: I hugged ďAĒ when I was leaving his office Tuesday.

179. Talked to an ex?: Never.

180. Watched your favorite movie?: Canít remember.
181. Had a nightmare?: This morning. You remember...stomping the guy with the hook arm.

182. Talked on the phone?: This morning with ďJĒ.
183. Listened to the radio?: On the way to work this afternoon.

184. Watched TV?: Iím listening to ďThe OfficeĒ as Iím writing this. Its a repeat.

185. Helped someone?: I help people feel good about themselves at work. I havenít quite translated it to home life yet though.

186. Were mean?: I act tough, but Iím actually a lot nicer in person than I let on.

187. Sang?: On the way to work I sang "HairĒ with my radio in the car and Iím fairly certain that Iíll be getting cast in the next production on Broadway. Iím just saying...

188. Saw a movie in a theater?: ďCapoteĒ. I thought Philip Seymour Hoffman was awesome in the role. Iím glad he won the Oscar.

189. Said "I love you"?: I told my aunt I loved her on my birthday.
190. Missed someone?: I miss my Dad every day of my life. So, needless to say, I love you too Dad!


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