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2006-03-14 @ 1:07 a.m.
beware of death minions who wear mittens


Sunday: A Day at the theatre. It was closing day for a show that my mom’s favorite radio personality was starring in. Fortunately it was a comedy about ham actors. Those kinds of shows practically write themselves. Because have you ever met an actor? I have and they are all about big egos....Illusions of grandeur....vast amounts of self importance. Gee, that kinda sounds like my family. And we’re not even actors. So its always funny to watch shows that make fun of people like this. My mom also had seats right next to the edge of the stage and as one of the actors took a theatrical fall, he nearly took down a whole Stage Right curtained structure onto our table. And all I could think of was LAWSUIT! Or more specifically, a lifetime of free theatrical productions. Can you imagine? Because I would definitely sue for free theatre tickets, unless I got somehow maimed and then I’d ask to be the lead in their next show, because that is the only way in hell I’d ever get to play Roxie Hart in “Chicago”. You know....Stardom by court order.

We did talk to the radio guy afterwards and I had to kiss his old man lips. Yuck. I also talked to Alan, a gay guy I used to work at our office. Once I heard he did theatre, I had struck up a friendship with him and we used to talk theatre in the elevator and around the office. He was very nice and funny and had a great voice. I had already seen him in a musical, but it was before I knew him, so it was great to be able to chat after the show, because he was so good and had gotten great reviews. Of course, I did have to wade through a sea of those freakish red hat society ladies. Gah! They were everywhere. The RedHatBots. I swear, there must have been about 40 of them with their absurd sequined and feathered red hats and purple blazers. Its like they’re being secretly manufactured by some Mad Gay Scientist in a lab somewhere near a gay nuclear power plant and something. They’re so creepy.

Fortunately I was still able to take a walk after the show. We’ve been having a very nice stretch of weather and I’m all about breathing fresh air and feeling the sun on my skin. I then watched some of my Netflix’s stash last night....Five episodes of the British version of “The Office”. It always take me a couple of minutes to get up to speed on British slang, like when the one office worker keeps calling the geeky guy on his cell phone (which he inexplicably keeps in a gun holster) and yells “Cock” and then hangs up. That’s not really something you’d hear on American television, but its obviously some very funny schtick in England because of the sheer angst on the guy’s face everytime his cell phone rings.

Monday. I guess I quickly realized how important it was to check out the weather before you drive to work, because today we had the most fierce thunder and lightening storm as I was driving to town and all I could think was “Geeze, I hope my computer doesn’t get fried!”. I mean I do have surge protector, but I always worry that some freak lightening bolt will decide to pick my computer and fry it and then I’ll be in Cyberia.

And I would have been really pissed because for the last three weeks I’ve had this incredibly annoying and frustrating virus in my computer. No need to suggest software, because I have tons of it, as well as pop-up stoppers and don’t you dare enter my computer gizamagoos, but evidently one little viral terrorist obviously slipped past the gates and made my life a living hell. Because every time I would open a diaryland entry or comment page or try to put an entry in or download a photo, or do ANYTHING on my computer, I would get this little timer thingie with a countdown timer and then I would get an ad for Target. Now this would be all fine and good, although not really, except that it would then stall out my computer and I would have to restart it. So if I read 8 diary entries, I’d have to restart my computer 8 times. Also if I accidently sneezed on my keyboard or thought of a penis or a strand of cat hair landed anywhere within a 200 foot radius of my keyboard, I would have to restart my computer. Needless to say, I was about ready to take a sledgehammer to it. I had even been looking to buy a newer computer, but I really didn’t want to have to, mainly because I want to save every last penny to buy a newer, more reliable car.

So I did absolutely everything to make my computer better. Deleted tons of stuff. De-fragged. Put it through all three of my virus softwares...repeatedly. Bought a $40 software package off the internet that was supposed to find and destroy even the worst virus...is didn’t. (Xoftware....its not worth the money). I even wrote an irate letter to the company responsible for sending me the virus. And then I finally found the culprit. Or at least I think I did. A little program called WINK. It came “on board” about the same time all the trouble started and since I deleted it, my computer has been working a lot better, so YAY!

Work was work. “J” was sick today. I returned a video he had loaned me. I felt bad but I didn’t like it, and unfortunately I’m not able to lie and tell people, “Oh I loved it” when I didn’t. And I knew that “J” would want to talk about the movie...in depth... and to be honest, after about 20 minutes, it was so over my head that I just shut it off. It was all very New Agey with a bunch of granola brains talking about stuff like how your head is merely a vessel for your brain waves. He asked me if I had gotten to the part where the girl is in the subway and all the subway ads suddenly melt into water. Ummmmmm, no. Maybe I misheard him. Yeah, I must have.

I did get home between thunderstorms this afternoon and heated up some cajun rice from last night and it was surprisingly good. I also turned on my computer once again, but then some more electrical storms came through, so I unplugged everything and finished dinner. I then headed over to the “Y” for my painting class. I brought my Georgia O’Keefe book once again and decided to paint some purple vaginas flowers.




The class was small again. Me. Hee Haw Nanny. Death Mom. And the mother and daughter who just moved here from L.A. Death Mom was really getting on my last freaked out nerve tonight. She’s doing a series of paintings (3 huge canvases) commemorating her daughter’s death with monsters and demons and death minnions. Tonight she said she had added mittens to the death minion’s hands (DEATH MINIONS HAVE HANDS??) so that it couldn’t grab her daughter’s ankle and pull her underground and than she joyfully giggled like she had just done a “knock, knock” joke. The thing is, she did nothing but talk about her daughter’s death for two solid hours, but not in a nice, thoughtful way. Its more in a weird, bizarre way, like recounting how her daughter used to jump on her bed when she was younger and now she wishes she would jump on her tombstone and laugh at death.

Okay, lady. Whatever you say. But can you sit like Wayyyy over there....with your little death minion buddies, cuz you’re like totally freaking me out. Thanks.

I did have an offer to buy my painting tonight. The L.A. mother came over several times to “oh and ah”. Its not really one of my better efforts, but she just blurted out, “I would love to buy that!”. But unfortunately I’m 1) too slow to react to random offers to buy my artwork because I was too fucking startled 2) Wasn’t sure if she was serious 3). Huh?? So I just took it as her being blonde and effusive because she liked it before I barely even started. It was sort of like offering to buy cookies before they’re even baked. Needless to say, no painting sales were closed tonight.

After class, I had the strangest craving for popcorn, which I never have, so I drove over through the parking lot to the grocery store and picked up some popcorn, Diet Coke and some paper plates for Guardcat’s stinky cat food. Just as I was walking out the door I just happened to look over at a guy in the produce department, because YES, VIRGINIA, I DO LOOK AT MEN IN GROCERY STORES....and who do I see? Go ahead, guess????
MARRIED “Oh shit, its really him and he’s only standing 8 feet away looking at tomatoes” GUY

fuck

Fortunately, I am really good at instantaneous invisibility, and made a quick exit, but I did look back at him from the foyer and it was definitely his furry little balding head and perfectly pressed Dockers. My heart was beating really fast by time I got out to the parking lot though. How weird. Especially since I’ve been thinking about him so much lately. I did look for his SUV and sure enough it was right across from car. It’s really easy to spot, especially with all its Anti-War bumperstickers. I got home within about four minutes and my heart was still pounding and I almost felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I’m not sure why I had such a major physical reaction to seeing him. I guess for a minute there, I thought I was going to meet up with those death minions...you know, the ones with the mittens on. Gulp.


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