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2006-03-25 @ 10:48 p.m.
my line to the real world from my not so interesting world


You know, I’m like a crackhead, except my drug of choice doesn’t come in tiny illegal rocks, but in a large 17” screen with an internet connection. I am totally addicted to my computer. I sit and wonder, what the hell did I do before I had this magical box and frankly I don’t remember except maybe I slept all day. Of course, part of it, comes from not having a life. Because if I did, I wouldn’t need to snort lines of diaryland and flickr on a daily basis. I would just go out my front door and actually have a life. And even when I do, I sometimes subconsciously wonder if I’m not just doing something so I’ll have something to write about. How co-dependent is that?

Hey, I didn’t say it was a healthy relationship. But of course, when have any of my relationships ever been healthy?? Me and my gay guys in the 80’s and then married men in the 90’s and 2000’s. I just tend to seek out relationships that go nowhere. Do you think I should try to change that? Probably. I’m not getting any younger you know, but my latest crush, the computer, just seems less dysfunctional than most of the others.

For instance, I don’t have to worry about them saying anything stupid like, “Gee, you would be cuter, if you lost weight” or “Oh, I think my wife is coming in the door, so I better hang up now.” Nope. They’re always there, and other than an occasional computer virus, they are endlessly fascinating. And of course we share everything. Stories. Photos. Rants. Secrets. Even pictures of me naked. Yeah, my computer has seen me naked. Hasn’t yours?

I remember the very first time I got hooked up to the internet. I was living at my Dad’s house in the last 1980’s and I didn’t know what I was doing, but I typed Howie Mandell’s name into the subject line and came up with a fan website and left my first note. I was a big Howie fan back then. And the very next morning I had a note from some woman who was swooning over Howie baby too, talking about how funny and cute he was, and that was how I learned that there was a big world out beyond my doorstep.

I didn’t have my own internet connection again until I moved back East and it was actually “A” who came over to my apartment to replace a faulty modem in a brand new computer that I had gotten from my uncle. It was so funny seeing my shrink “A” sitting on my bedroom floor with my computer all apart, installing a modem. He then installed AOL for me and since I didn’t have a credit card and you needed one to get your service started, he put mine on his.

And then a big world really opened up. E-mails for one. I bet “A” was sorry he ever did that, because before diaryland, he was the proud recipient of all my lengthy rants and raves. I did spread them out over several people like Zenshrink and people from my support group and Married Guy. I have always been someone who needed an audience for “Witty: The Musical”. Because, I admit it...writing has always been my outlet. I’m not going to apologize for it. You’re here reading this, right?

I also discovered some really interesting things about writing on the internet. You can say things you wouldn’t normally say in real life. For instance, I have written some blazingly angry letters to several people over the last couple of years. I sure couldn’t have done that in person. But I’m working on it.

I’ve also flirted online. ALOT. I’m so bold online. I used to flirt with Married Guy all the time online. I just couldn’t do it in person. I did get a little flustered when someone I know flirted with me this last week. I had sent out a silly note to some friends suggesting a nude romp to celebrate the first day of Spring a couple of days ago. You know me. I talk about nudity all the time. I go to a nude drawing class once a week. Nudity is no big thing to me. I’m pretty passe about it. Well, my male friend sent me a note telling me he had achieved “wood” at my suggestion of being naked on the first day of spring. Eeep! Well, allrighty then. Good for you. I didn’t answer his note. I figured he was (cough) busy and all.

But then he sent me another note and said, “Naughty note!” and then I wrote back and said, “Naughty artist :-)”. I meant me, but of course he thought I meant him, so he wrote back, “I can be if you want....”

I just looked at that wondering, hmmm, is he offering me his “services”? Like all men who respond to the prolific charms of witty, he’s already involved with someone. So I sort of didn’t know what to do, since I still wanted to be “cool” with him. And to be honest, I do have a little crush on him and maybe for like 10 minutes 30 seconds I did imagine having hot naked artist sex with him. He does have a hot body and seems very uninhibited and I was strangely cursing myself for not getting a depo shot at the doctor’s Thursday. He has taken his shirt off once in my presence and he was looking at me to see if I was looking, but I pretended not to look because he was expecting me to look. You know how that works. Guys do that all the time. Didn’t that happen in the Garden of Eden? Maybe I have my stories mixed up. So anyways, I just wrote back and said I already have too many naughty artists in my life and too little time and that seemed to end the discussion. Whew!

I did find another interesting person on this website. I have gotten a little obsessive about it, looking up everyone I’ve known since birth. I’ve looked up people I currently work with because I saw one of the two Jennifers I work with scanning the website when I walked by her cubical and thought she might have a profile on it. I then looked up former employers. Former friends. Former shrinks. Former classmates. Siblings. TV stars (heh! I now have Earl from “My Name is Earl” as a “friend”. Why? I have no idea. I just thought it was funny). And then I typed in a name that I thought was just a fluke. My filipino mail order whore step mommy and guess what? Go ahead guess?? SHE HAD A PROFILE ON THIS WEBSITE AND SHE’S LIVING IN FREAKIN' CALIFORNIA!!!!!!”

Oh my God, I almost fainted. My blood pressure shot up about 75 points I think. I couldn’t believe it. I guess once my Dad died and she didn’t have to hide him and his will from me anymore, she has now moved back to Sonoma County from the Philippines. There was no picture, but all the info was accurate. her name, female, age 47, gemini, SINGLE.

So I’ve been on the internet a lot in the last 24 hours trying to get information about her. I think I have realized that they DIDN’T sell their house in California before they moved to Virginia initially, because there is no record of it on the county website. And she filed for bankruptcy in January. Huh? She probably got over a million dollars from my Dad’s various insurance policies. Plus my Dad’s house, which was worth about $750,000, was paid free and clear before they left California five year ago. I figure she probably has the money hidden in some secret bank accounts.

So I was talking to my gay friend “G” down in Manhattan and he said I should create a new profile on this website and befriend her and try to get information out of her. Unfortunately, I’m not that devious and I’m not patient enough. I’ve already written her two lengthy angry letter on my account, but erased them. I guess its because I feel like I’m in a game of poker and I don’t want to show my hand too soon. I would like to take some kind of legal action against her, but I don’t have any money for a lawyer and I don’t even know if I have any case other than she took my Dad out of the country when he was ill and changed his will. So if anyone knows any legal information about a situation like this...let me know.

So as you can see, the internet can be many things for many people. A friend. A baby sitter. A flirt. An informant. You just never know what you’ll get, when you log on to the World Wide Internet. I’m just glad I have it.


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