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2006-04-10 @ 10:36 p.m.
The Guy Standing in the Creek Raking Garbage (tm) Woo!


Well, I think Spring has finally got her lazy ass in gear and has decided to make an appearance in these parts and its about time. Of course Spring for us, is any time the mercury nudges 47 degrees and everyone puts on shorts and tank tops and takes off to Beard Park and plays frisbee with their Golden Retrievers. I donít have a Golden Retriever of course, nor do I have a frisbee, nor do I have anybody to play with, but I do have something that probably none of you have. I have something that will soon be sweeping the country because it is so damn unique. I have something called The Guy Standing in the Creek Raking Garbage (tm). Yup, I knew you would be jealous, but I already have the trademark on him, so donít even TRY to hone in on this or be jealous because I get to look at him every day when I head out to my car...The Guy Standing in the Creek Raking Garbage (tm). Yup. Its true heís kind of non-descript. And if you were ever going to make a movie about him, I think I would cast that guy who grew orchids in the Charlie Kaufman movie ďAdaptationĒ. What was his name? Chris Cooper?



Anyways, heís been standing out there in the creek along side my apartment for several days now, in those sexy black rubber waders, raking trash and beer bottles and re-aligning the very ebb and flow of our creek by clearing out brush and now I kind wait to see him, all knee deep in sludge, garbage and Budweiser bottles. And Iíve even talked to him once now. Giggle! And told him how great the creek was looking. Giggle! And he it totally is. Giggle!

Oy vey, witty!! Now youíre talking to some guy cleaning garbage out of a creek, who looks like the toothless guy in a Charlie Kaufman movie and youíre practically hearing wedding bells? Are you taking your meds????

My cleaning frenzy has been continuing into the wee hours once again. Last night I was talking to my mom on the phone at 1 a.m. and I was scrubbing the hood over my stove with cleanser and I did such a good job that I not only scrubbed the 30 years of grease and grime off the hood, but also the brown paint. Yay me!! Iíve also been scraping all the paint off all the brass hardware and doorknobs around the apartment, since it appears that the Helen Keller Paint Company kinda slipped up on their painting efforts. Next on the agenda? Toothbrush duty inside the fireplace!! Woot!

I did manage to barely get my lazy ass out of bed this morning, but only because my aunt called after I shut my alarm off and nearly fell back to sleep. She called to see how my massage went with my cousin.


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ummmm...
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Well, I had to tell her what happened. I canít lie to my aunt. Sheís Catholic. Iíd probably go straight to hell and get stuck next to George W. Bush knowing my luck, so I told her about my cousin not being there and just a smattering of what went on at the front counter. I didnít want to tell her everything, since my aunt is very sensitive and given to tears, and she took the news okay and told me to take the money and get a massage elsewhere. Hmmm. That seems strange. I wonder if she knows something I donít? I didnít want to press her, plus I was about 8 minutes away from departing from work and I was standing there in my scanties. Naturally as soon as I hung up the phone, my mother called immediately and said, ďDid your aunt call? Your line was just busy.Ē Like who else calls me? Johnny Depp from France? My publisher from The New Yorker? I told her I couldnít talk, which of course was her cue to tell me 3.6 million extremely unimportant things her cat was doing at that precise moment. So Iím trying to put on a bra with one hand. Naturally this made me late for work, since there are only about 3 things I can do with one hand.

The morning meeting was boring as usual. Iím usually the only person who doesnít act like one of the dazed people in ďAwakeningsĒ, but today I joined in and was Robert DeNiro in all his glory....Mouth agape. Maybe a single drop of spittle hanging from my mouth. I am just so exhausted and unfocused and in pain that I donít know what to do. I actually do have some heavy duty pain pills, but they are so strong that if I take one, theyíll knock me out for a day and a half. I really donít know if this is just my fibro or something else, and I have so little confidence in my doctor, that I donít even want to go see her.

I did meet with ďJĒ after our meeting. I prefaced our meeting with the warning that the way I looked or acted (fatigued and horrible looking) did not necessary reflect how I was feeling about our forthcoming group. Weíre putting together a new group and its been going very slowly. We were supposed to start it around the middle of April but now its been pushed to May. Anyways, the subject of the group has to do with...okay, wait...here is a little game of diaryland charades, since I canít write this word out because of Googling concerns. My co-facilitator is Googling a lot and I donít want him to find this so here are a couple of clues. Are you ready? Good.

First word: Okay, what was the name of Judy Garlandís Aunt in the ďWizard of OzĒ? You remember, like when was Dorothy running down the dusty roads in or around Lawrence Kansas (A3) going ďAuntie EM, Auntie EM, its a twister!!Ē Ya got it? Okay. Good!

Second Word: Other than maybe Angelina Jolie, what makes men totally hot? I mean total blithering idiot! I mean, you put them in a room with these and they become so totally wonky that they canít think of anything else, except possibly beer. Okay think hard. Iíll give you a hint...(whispering) Sears has them. Give up? POWER tools!! Yay!

Okay, last word. Youíve just had a big huge meal. Maybe your meal included a big old slice of red onion. And you really want to kiss your girlfriend, but damn, that breath of yours. Man, it stinks like a backed up sink at a Mexican Restaurant. So what do you do? Reach for some more onions? No. Reach for some more zesty chipotle? No. Hey, how about an after Dinner Mint? YES! ding ding ding ding!

So, do you get my drift? EM power Ment?

Hey, you guys are good! And I didnít even have to get out of my chair and wave my arms and act stupid. So anyways, we had our meeting. Now my recent relationship with ďJĒ has been on a kind of down swing. He had been calling me at home repeatedly and his last call I had been chilly, mainly because he had woke me up and I wasnít feeling well, and also ďAĒ had suggested that I should probably curtail the married man calling me at home for no reason thingie. And I agreed. I do like ďJĒ, but I just canít do the married man thing again. Its too painful.

So today I could tell he was hurt. The meeting was very slow going. He wasnít really listening to me. I then happened to mention that even though Iím able to help people at work, that sometimes Iím a little apathetic, but that I thought I hid it well. He then said I didnít and that everyone knew I was apathetic....even the clients. He then added that it just oozed out of me. Apathy, I guess. I stopped talking at that point and turned away for a moment and flicked a tear out of my eye. He didnít see it. But that really hurt. What a great person to be co-facilitating an EM power Ment group with, huh? Thanks for the lift, buddy. I feel so much better now.

Had I been feeling better I might have defended myself or gone for one of my mega colossal wittykitty smack downs, but I just couldnít I hadnít eaten yet and it was almost 1:30. And why give Mr Eye-talian who quotes ďThe SopranosĒ the satisfaction that he got to me. Maybe it was just because I was under the weather. Actually, at the moment, I feel like yanking the frooking silver necklace he gave me, with the frooking silver dolphin, and leaving it on his frooking chair with the sharp end up.

How would that feel? Pretty damn empowering actually.


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