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2006-05-27 @ 10:50 p.m.
the zit that ate new york


Its been a lazy weekend so far. No money to travel. My car is on the verge of a car-tastrophy. I can hear it. It sounds like tie rods are disengaging somewhere. Damn. I’m just trying to keep it in one piece until I get another car in another week or two. So can you maybe say a few car related novenas for me? Thanks!

I’ve mainly been walking, watching DVDs, painting and watching in amusement as Guardcat slinks around close to the ground like some Giant Mouse Army is about ready to attack. I have never had such a nervous cat as her. She even approaches her cat box like its going to be booby-trapped. Step. Step. Look around. Step. Look around. Ste--p-p-p...LOOKSAROUNDREALLYFAST! My god, Guardcat, if you need one of my clonopins, just ask!

Of course, she did have a legitimate claim today. I had left both of my bedroom windows open and she was sitting up in one of them overlooking the courtyard between the apartments when suddenly this Blue Jay flew directly at her. She nearly did a double backwards somersault off the windowsill like WTF?? What was that? She then slunk back up to the window a second time only to have the Blue Jay do it again. Swoooooooop. Peck!! Right in front of the window. That time Guardcat actually fell backwards off the window ledge and ran. And I really didn't know what was going on until this evening when I went out on the porch to paint.

My porch also overlooks the courtyard and there was an awful ruckus going on. It was like some avian version of “West Side Story”. I mean there were a bunch of birds having a huge fight. Swooping angrily at each other. Dive bombing. And there were all different species, which I thought was weird. Blue Jays, Robins and even some Starlings were fighting. Or so it seemed. And then suddenly, I saw the real culprit.... a black and white cat from the apartment complex. Ah ha! Somebody was protecting a bird’s nest.

And yet this cat was relentless. All I could think of was Wiley Coyote from the “Roadrunner” cartoons. Because he kept coming back despite my neighbor downstairs shooing him away several times and of course, getting attacked by every bird in the county everytime he approached the huge hedge which overhangs the parking lot. Kitties. Aren’t we silly?

In the meantime, I had some problems of my own. I was supposed to go out and pick up some job applications this weekend, ya see. I told “A” I would. The only problem is, I have like the largest, freaking zit on my upper lip I have ever had in my entire life. Its sore. Its red. Its disgusting. And its so huge....

How huge is it, witty??


  • Its so huge, that I feel like I should name it and start putting money away for a college fund.

  • Its so huge, that if anyone had wanted to rent a middle aged unicorn this weekend, they could have called 1-800-wittykitty.

  • Its so huge that my friend in NYC just located me on the Google Space Mapping system.

  • Its so huge George Bush wants to invade it. No reason....just because its there...

  • Its so huge Paris Hilton wants to hump it.

  • Its so huge that Britney Spears just called....she wants to give me some child-rearing advice.

  • Its so huge that Tom Cruise wants to adopt it and name it L. Ron Hubbard III.

  • Its so huge that Lindsey Lohan will probably hit it with her car this weekend.

  • Its so huge that the votes on “American Idol” were just recounted and my zit actually won.

  • Its so huge that Michaelangelo wants to come back from the dead so he can paint the Sistene Chapel on it.

  • Its so huge that when I walk out my front door and turn to the right, the entire East Coast is thrown into total darkness.

    Well, I think you get the general idea. And the best part is, tomorrow my mom is taking me out to breakfast. And why is this the BEST part? Because she will probably look at me, very alarmed, and say, “OH.....MY....GOD.....Did you realize you have a giant ZIT on your upper lip, witty? Its really massive! Did you see it in the mirror, this morning, when you were putting on your make-up?”

    No mom. I must have missed.....Mt. Fucking Fuji..... on my lip.

    See what happens when you don't wear your glasses?



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