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2006-06-25 @ 5:30 p.m.
help! I have to get married and have a baby before my 30th high school reunion in 2 weeks!


Two weeks from today is my 30th high school reunion. It’s out in California. I can’t afford to go. Yup. That seems like a good excuse, right? Okay, but the real reason I’m not going to my 30th high school reunion is because I have totally disgraced my womanhood by not ever getting married or having children.

Yeah, I know. My bad. (me looking at the floor sadly).

And I really had it going on in high school. I mean look at this babe....



Doesn’t she just make your loins quiver? I mean just a little bit? If you need to take a quick break to relieve some of that pent up mojo, I can wait, you know.
.
.
.

My God, what took you so long? Did you watch an Angelina Jolie video too? Yeah, I know, we’re practically twins and because of that I used to have lots of dates in high school. Not with a lot of guys. Just a lot of dates with two guys. Both of them gay. Yay! Sure I had attention from other guys. Charlie grabbing me back stage during the play and smothering me with kisses. Larry demanding a graduation gift and me being so naive that I didn’t realize what he meant until we left the party. Jim writing me poetry.

Jim was in love with me the longest. Way past high school. He was eventually a journalist and even wrote about me in his newspaper column. I was standing at my counter working at Macy’s and some woman came up to me and said, “Are you witty?” and I was like “Yes.” and she was like “Can you get me Robin William’s address?” and I was standing there still smiling but going WTF(?). My friend Jim had evidentally written this article about me in his newspaper about all the celebrities I had met and included this picture of me



and said Robin Williams and I were friends and didn’t tell me. And then this woman wanted to contact him...through me....his good friend, witty, who works at Macys selling watches, for a benefit. Right.

Well, first of all, as much as I’d like to say Robin Williams and I are old buddies, the picture with him was merely a fan-movie star picture at a stage door. Secondly, he wrote this long article without even asking or telling me it was coming out. Thirdly, although Jim was a nice guy, I would have never, ever have gone out with him since he was just not my type. He was a morbidly obese blonde kid who used to get drunk and call me and tell me how much he loved me. I was never mean to him though. I would always just say, “That’s really nice Jim. Thanks.”

I may be snarky here, but in real life I’m nice to people of all persuasions. I mean if you saw the kids I hung out in high school with it was like the United Nations of Geeks and the Less-then-Popular. My circle of friends included the only Black kids in the school, the only Jewish kids in school, the only obviously gay males in school, the journalism geek (Jim). My best friend was Japanese/Mexican. I had the choice to hang out with the more homogenized “beautiful people” around campus, but dang, they were so fucking boring, talking about golf lessons and dinners at the country club. So I hung out with the musicians in the bandroom mostly. And the theatre geeks, a couple of whom later went to Hollywood and had careers in the film industry. Where are the “beautiful people” now? Sad. Overweight. Addicted to Prozac. Sitting in their tract homes looking out over their lawns and wondering if their husbands are screwing their much younger secretaries?

I am not that much better off. I live in poverty. I have no love life. I’m afraid of some freak with gardening shears. But I would like to make that better. Its true I do have a fear of success. Financial success. Career success. Romantic success. I figure if I do well in one of those areas, more will be expected of me and what if I can’t handle the pressure? But thus far, I haven’t really had to worry. And at this point, I would say the only one I really want to take a shot at would be the romantic success. Its the one I want the most, and since I’m 48 and the only marriage proposal I’ve received thus far was from a scraggly homeless guy on a bus, I guess I should go for it.

I was intrigued by “A”s possible introduction to someone this last week. His track record isn’t stellar ( (think Nanny-Guy), but that was for a job, not for my heart and I know he only has my best interest at heart. Especially at this point.

I would hope this person wouldn’t be someone who is way deep into therapy. Wouldn’t that be nice “A”....if he wasn’t? Especially since you know my feelings about getting out amongst the healthy. I have been encased by mentally ill people, in one way or another, most of my life (my Dad suffered from severe depression up to now where I work with mentally ill people). Frankly, I’m tired of sad stories. I want to be around healthy, happy people. I want to observe them. I want to see what its like to not have everything be a big drama.

My behavior was learned, by the way. I wasn’t like this when I popped out of my mom’s uterus. I would like to think, if I was in a loving, supportive relationship, that a lot of my “behaviors” would get toned down, if not go away. I know if I had someone to talk things over with, I wouldn’t be carrying around such a huge amount of anger. I’m not a naturally angry person. I’m afraid of anger. I used to hide when my parents fought.

And here’s a news flash. I like to have fun. Really! True, I would need help initially. Like is it okay to have fun? No harsh penalties will be issued, right? I love having fun. Acting goofy. Cracking jokes. When I worked that nanny job, I realized I was able to interact with kids better than I thought I would and of course, my relationship with Married Guy’s kids was golden. I was surprised. My mom had never let me babysit when I was a teenager. And I had never had any contact with kids, literally, until I met Married Guy’s kids around age 40. And then I was like, damn, ya know what? I want kids!! I had never felt that before. I guess, you don’t realize what you’re missing, until its dropped into your lap.

I know you’re probably saying...witty...a mommy type? You’re kidding, right?

Its true, I would have to make some changes because I have been living as a self centered single woman for almost 30 years. But I actually learned alot when I hung out at Married Guy’s house for those five years. Other than his wifie being spoiled and self centered, it was a well-run, loving household because of several things:

  • People fight, but things get resolved that way.
  • Compromise is essential.
  • Teamwork gets things done.

    I’m sure all of you with families and kids are chuckling about this, thinking, this girl is just learning all this? But don’t forget, I’ve lived with a cat for 30 years. I guess what I’m saying is, I want a happier more fulfilling life. I want a life that includes other people. I want a life that has someone I can love, who will love me back. I guess I’ve always been a little scared to pursue it, because of the possibility of rejection or failure. Look at my parents. They had SEVEN marriages between them. They were not a real good role model for me. In fact, you might even say, they might have contributed to my anxiety about marriage. Also, strangely, growing up, my parents never talked to me about me ever getting married, like most parents do. Or, say, when ya getting hitched? Nothing. I guess I felt like they thought I had zero marriage potential. Like why would anyone pick her, and I guess I kind of bought into it in a way. So I became that geek at my 10 year high school reunion who wore that self styled pin that said “No, I’m not married!” Did it sound angry? Humorous? Resigned? I don’t really know. Because I had noticed at my five year high school reunion, the first thing out of everyone’s mouth had been “Are you married?” and “Do you have any children?”

    I guess being smart and creative just don’t count for much at a high school reunion, especially if you ever had a functioning uterus.


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