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2006-08-13 @ 11:13 p.m.
the wedding....flip flops optional


FACTS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT WEDDINGS


  • You must hire a video crew to film the drunk bride with a four cornered pirate napkin hat on her head humping furniture at a restaurant, so when she later asks you for a divorce you will have something to embarrass her with convince her to come back to you.

  • They must always place you at a table with your exact polar opposite, as in you get to listen to some rich dude talk about how perfect their kids are. Okay so he got straight "A"s and was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for a haiku they wrote while they were volunteering at an AIDS clinic in his sophomore year while being pursued by all the modeling agencies in New York, as well as winning "American Idol" while making an Academy Award winning documentary about the homeless boys in Sudan while also running for Congress. I mean how can I top that when they ask what I do? "Oh, I get food stamps. heh, heh. And yeah, I'm kinda on disability. heh, heh. And I'm probably living off your tax dollars right as we speak. Heh, heh!"

  • ”Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” Ever see 100 drunk people act it out on a dance floor simultaneously? Yeah, I think even Meatloaf would have been embarrassed.
  • And what is with that incessant water glass clanging so the bride and groom will kiss? Is that not the stupidest thing ever? Can you imagine if you took that tradition out a wedding hall and say into an office, and were walking down a hallway at work and saw two coworkers standing together discussing spreadsheets. I know I would want to start clanging a water glass so they would start sticking their tongues down each other's throats. It would be like a Pavlov's Dog type thing. Clang-clang-clang. slurp, slurp, slurp. I mean we could totally go global with this. Just walk down a street in New York, clanging water glasses at will and then suddenly everyone would be kissing each other. Wouldn't that be cool? Cops and shoppers. Businessmen and bagel-girls. Winos and Martha Stewart? Oh witty, isn’t that just because you want some guy to kiss you? Okay maybe. But still. Isn’t that a great idea? And besides, maybe we could take it a step further and start the Clanging to Banging Revolution. Ideas. I have a lot of them. Good ones! But that stupid rich guy with the Academy Award winning kid just would never let me say anything, damnit.

    So, yeah, I went to my cousin's wedding yesterday. Fortunately the weather was nice to us since the wedding was in the bride's yard. I had to go to my mom's apartment where we were picked up by my favorite aunt and uncle. As soon as my mom got in the car it was instantaneous drama of course. "I almost didn't go to the wedding today." Something was hurting. And then when we were waiting for my aunt to get back in the car, she was telling us how she was "Joseph and his Technicolor Amazing...what is it witty? (since I am a Broadway geek and know all Broadway musical titles since the beginning of time)..."Joseph and His Techni-Amazing-Colored Person with Other People's Clothing". Jacket from "B", Shoes from my daughter, pants from someone else. And then she explained, "The only thing I bought myself today was my underwear!!" I looked at my uncle in the rear view mirror, like TMI. Ya think?

    Seating at the wedding was immediately problematic too. At first we were put way in the back and couldn't see anything. And then a decree was sent down from Bride Groom Central that we could sit closer so that my aunt's allergies wouldn't be activated by nearby flowers. I then had to give my aunt throwaway camera lessons once the ceremony started, since she had never used one before and she'd take a picture and wouldn't forward the film and then yelp in despair when she couldn't press the button for the next picture. I had brought a throwaway camera too, so I was picking up the slack, but my aunt, who I totally adore, but who is extremely OCD, was getting louder and louder everytime it didn't work. "Did it flash? It didn't flash did it? Did it flash??!" You'll probably hear her on the wedding video.

    The ceremony itself was only memorable in that my cousin chose to have his dog walk down the aisle before his bride. Naturally my aunt was frantically whispering the tale of the dog. I guess my cousin rescued it from the side of a road and it has some rare disease and its been down at a nearby university being looked at by scientists and he's spent over $3000 on it. So I guess he’s not so bad after all. And it has a rather interesting shave job. Kinda Kabuki-like. But the dog was the best part...at least for me. And she barked once during the ceremony. If only she had barked when the judge had asked "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife..."

    WOOOOOOF!



    I was a little confused by the bridesmaids though. Here they were all beautifully coiffed, nice nails and pedicures, beautiful off the shoulder pink silk dresses....AND FLIP FLOPS. Can you believe it? Ok, the flip flops had sequins. But still? What was this? Wedding by MySpace?

    Due to some truly superior planning there was two hours between the wedding and reception, so we went over to my aunt’s house and had ice cream. I also took a mini-nap since my foot was already hurting. We then drove over to a restaurant on the east side of town, listening to how my aunt had cautiously shopped for a dress that wouldn’t detract from the wedding party. I told her if I ever get married, she could wear whatever color she wanted. There was some laughter. I wasn’t sure if it was about the color thing or the fact that I might get married some day.

    Heh. Yeah, I guess that was pretty funny. Call Lourdes, right?

    The reception hall was awash in pink and white. My aunt had cried originally because there wasn’t enough room at their table to fit my mom and I. She’s very family oriented. So my mom and I ended up sitting with the Mr. Perfect Family and another couple who were pretty nice. Initially my mom was in 7th Heaven because the nice people who arrived first, asked her about herself and instead of just sticking to the perfunctory paragraph or two, she went into a epic, lengthy story about her entire 39 years in California and about each house she lived in. How many bushes were in each yard. How the neighbors treated us. What husband lived where. I could tell the poor people felt “stuck” because once my mom starts talking....she will talk to infinity.

    Eventually the Mr. Perfect Family came and since they had more in common with the people, as in the ability to talk about their families and not just about themselves, they ended up ignoring my mother. But in a way they did the same thing with the “Who’s kids are better” contest.

    They did actually momentarily acknowledge my existance when they asked me if I thought today’s kids were spoiled. I guess they thought I was a mother. And well, heh, I kinda am. Guardcat is totally spoiled. She’s always asking for things like kitty iPods and cell phones that access Catster, but I’m a real hard ass. You want a kitty iPod, Guardcat, go work at Petco!

    The party finally started to get hardcore at 9:45 p.m. once the food was served. Yeah, 9:45 p.m. I hadn’t eaten since 11 a.m. except for a bowl of ice cream, so I was starving. But the drinking had pretty much started at 7:01 p.m. sharp. The bride? Drunk. Groom? Drunk. Entire wedding party? Drunk. I don’t drink so I just watched in amusement. The bride was particularly drunk. I don’t even know how she was standing up. At one point several of the groomsmen tried to lift her up on a chair and nearly fell. Another time she was carrying a chair over her head and the white draped material was obliterating her view, and she was bumping into things. She also had napkins on her head and was humping things. I’m sure the wedding video will be a blast to watch.

    I also took lots of pictures. :-) !!!!!

    And then when I ran out of film on my camera, I took the cheapo throwaway wedding camera off the table. You know the ones that you’re supposed to take pictures of people at your table. I went out on the dance floor during a hip hop number where everyone was especially drunk and started snapping even more pictures.

    :-) !!!!!

    My cousin “D” did pull me out on the dance floor a couple of times. And I think you know how that went. As in (cough) “white girl with no discernable rhythm”. And of all songs to pull me out on....the Village People’s ”Y.M.C.A.” a song with maximum humiliation capabilities. Man, I felt so stupid. Who can actually do those arm configurations anyways? Like don’t you have to be a gay man or something? Because I sure couldn’t do them, especially the letter “C”. About the only saving grace was that “D”s husband was about 23% dorkier than me. Thank goodness, huh?

    But the bestest moment of the night was...well, its sort of a family tradition. When I first saw my Uncle K (the groom’s Dad) at the wedding, I said, “Well, are you gonna do the “Hawaii Five-O thing?” And he sort of chuckled.

    Have I ever mentioned that insanity and funny runs in the family? Yes? Well, that is really the only possible explanation for our famous Hawaii Five-O tradition. What is it? Well, it defies explanation really. You really have to see it. But I’ll try to explain...

    First of all you have to know the theme from the 1960’s TV show “Hawaii Five-O”. As the show opened it had some groovy 60’s music with quick cuts of all things Hawaiian like hula girls dancing, surfer dudes surfing, police cars screeching, Diamond Head, more hula girls, more surfer dudes, Jack Lord. Well, my uncle, who is slightly chunky and edging 60, cues the music and then takes a long running leap and slides about 20 feet across the dance floor on his knees and ass simultaneously. He then pretends to be rowing in the “ocean” in a hollowed up palm tree. Hee, hee. And then his sons and assorted other guys, all come sliding into place and join him, frantically rowing like they’re hanging five on some big wave at Diamond Head in Hawaii. But then suddenly... OH NO, a big wave comes and WIPE OUTTTTTTTT! And everyone falls over. And then they all jump up and pretend like they’re surfing and then they’re hit with yet another wave and they all fall down and lay on their backs flopping around like flounders.

    Oh my God, it is so fucking funny. I mean, think of it...a chubby guy in a tuxedo sliding 20 feet mostly on his ass and then pretending to surf to “Hawaii Five-O”. Oh well, I guess you had to be there. But if I ever get married, that’s what I want for a gift. The “Hawaii Five-O” surfer dude routine. Definitely.



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