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2006-08-30 @ 1:00 a.m.
cat porn addiction becomes apparent


On Monday morning when I was coming up to my building at work, one of the case managers was walking out to her car and looked at me brightly and said, “I was at the gym Thursday afternoon and saw you on TV!” And I was like “Oh really” (inside: dying of embarrassment). “Her: “Yeah, you were on the weather!” Me: “Yeah?” (inside: Like d’uh. It’s not like I was being interviewed at a Yankee’s game). Her: “I could see you really well!” Me: Thanks! (inside: of course you could. I kicked that old women in the spleen so I could stand next to Wayne the Weather Guy). Her: “Bye now!”. Me: “Bye!”

Once inside I bumped into my co-worker “J” who immediately said, “I saw you on TV Thursday!” I knew he had seen me. Why? Because he had called my home phone....according to my caller ID...at the very same time I was filming a television spot LIVE at the fair grounds 15 miles away. Ummm? Does that make any sense? Yeah, I didn’t think so either. Why would he be calling me at home when I was clearly... BROADCASTING LIVE FROM ANOTHER LOCATION 15 MILES FROM MY HOUSE? Like what am I gonna do? Pick up my phone and say, “Hi! How’ya doin?” Because Guardcat sure ain’t going to be picking up, ever since I caught her ordering pizzas and presumably cat porn when I left the house. I’m onto you Guardcat! You may act scared when the TV comes on, but when I looked closely I could clearly see tiny kitty teeth marks and cat slobber on my DVD remote. Bad kitty. Bad!

Also what’s up with you removing your wedding band during our group again, “J”? You think I didn’t notice? It was so overt. Should I be flattered? Like oh lucky me! A married man is slipping off his wedding ring and then tossing it forlornly on the table in front of me, like hey baby, I’m all yours. Wow, I’m honored.

I actually just read an interesting article about why certain women chase married men. Because to be honest, I've never known and I was really shocked by the answer.:

"For many women, getting part of a man is still better than nothing. This isn't just a fear of being alone, it's learned. Girls who grow up without a stable father may come to view men as being unreliable and unavailable. And low self-esteem can come into play: For women who are afraid of being hurt, dating a married man offers them a safety valve, says Basha Schanberg, LCSW, a counselor in New York City for over thirty years. "When a relationship isn't monogamous, you don't have to deal with the day-to-day problems of being a couple," she says. When you don't believe you deserve 100 percent of a man, a married man might seem OK if he's got other desirable qualities: good looks, a big job, street cred, whatever it is that attracts you."

Wow! Finally! I've never been able to figure it out. The lack of a stable father thing. My Dad was a wonderfully nice guy, but he traveled extensively and then when he was home he drank...a.k.a. not really available or reliable. I was always so wildly appreciative of the brief crumbs I had of him, I didn't realize there was more to have of someone. Or that I deserved more. So I subsisted on those crumbs thinking they were all I deserved. Same thing with married men. Give me an hour here and there. I AM SOOOOO APPRECIATIVE. I am like a woman dying of thirst out in the desert, coming upon a big giant Diet Coke machine. I'm saved! Yay! Slurp! What? The Wife Truck is coming to take it back? Oh, okay, thanks.

Unfortunately, the article only offered a one sentence solution: "It's better to make mistakes in a relationship with someone who could be the one, than waste time with someone who's definitely not." Well, I guess that was a no brainer. Although you could have fooled me with those five years I was with Married Guy. But no more. No more crumbs. I want Prime Rib. And my own Diet Coke machine!

I did see “A” this morning. It was sort of a low key appointment since I’m still feeling pretty depressed. I brought in my painting from this weekend. I worked on it some more from what you saw. I wasn’t happy with the red chair. I made it darker to appear more solid and cushy. “A” was complimentary as usual. He did ask if Charlemagne was hiding out in the woods somewhere. Ha! Good one “A”!

I related how the painting was very representational of how I was feeling at the moment....Me, the naked chick, looking out into the darkened woods, unsure of what was out there and being somewhat apprehensive. I also managed to throw in a sexual metaphor, you know, since its me, wittykitty, queen of the somewhat inappropriate.

Originally he was going to have a social worker student sit in on our session today, but they didn’t show up, and frankly I was glad. I really didn’t want to share the stuff I was talking about today. It was just way too personal, especially the dream I had.

Anyhoo, about the best thing that happened in the last two days, is that after applying to the yuppie grocery store about 5 times and getting rejected repeatedly. And reapplying again. And going in and bugging them relentlessly, they finally called me for a job interview yesterday! I can’t believe it. They had originally said they were hiring in mid-August since thats when all the college kids go back to school, so I felt discourage they hadn’t called yet. But then they called! Now granted, its not like this is my life’s dream to work in a grocery store, but this company is the #2 company in the country to work for. They are great to their employees. There are very positive vibes when you go in there. Everyone seems happy. And the place is only 2 miles from my house. And I would also be in contact with lots of (ahem) potential romantic prospects who I don’t have contact with now. Plus: No more winter driving in blizzards and ice storms to go get clients. No more begging for work hours. No more working with clients who don’t bathe and make my car smell like sweat and cigarette smoke. Oh wait, I don’t have the job yet, do I? Heh.

Anyways, the job interview is on Thursday morning at 10:30. I’m hoping I can be all happy and chipper by then. As I mentioned I’ve been pretty down lately because of the situation here at my apartment complex. I’ve been sleeping very little and look pretty elderly and haggard. I asked “A” if I could talk to him briefly before the job interview for a little pep talk and he immediately said yes. I know he really wants me to get this because it would really help me financially and I wouldn’t be struggling so much. And then maybe I could also move out of this hellhole of an apartment too.

And would that make you happy to be away from a man who harrasses you and makes you cry alot, witty? Oh yes, most definitely, unknown third person diary voice!!


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