2006-10-16 @ 9:00 p.m.
Today during my luxuriously lengthy 10 minute break (okay, I stretched it to 15 minutes, since I think thats what I’m legally entitled to), I was sitting in our cafe eating a chocolate pumpkin muffin and drinking a massive caffeinated soda (trying to get up my strength for the second half of the sweep-o-rama), and read my horoscope in the New York Daily News. Now since we all know what a reliable source that is, I was really excited by what I saw. It said, in effect, that I was on the verge of a new employment opportunity....one that I had been waiting for and that it was just at my fingertips.
Yippee! No more 5 gazillion rounds of sweeping crap that yuppies drop on the floor because they’re too damn lazy to put it into one of our hundreds of garbage cans. Although I had turned over a new leaf today. No more mocking customers under my breath. No, today I had been like a Stepford Wife....all obnoxiously cheerful and helpful, helping an old lady bag a tricky brocolli, helping another find Kosher Salt, helping a little old Russian guy look for cognac glasses. Why? Because I remember that old adage: good things come to good people. I had lost my way in the last couple of weeks. And I may lose it again, but at least today I was able to be uber helpful and mostly overcome my overwhelming fatigue and not be all resentful of those stupid rich people with their gold plated cell phones. They can’t help it. I’d much rather have a soul.
Or maybe it was just that dream I had last night. I dreamt I took my shirt off and had flat abs. Good god, I’ve never had flat abs in my entire life. Even if it was a dream, it did kinda cheer me up, even as I was sitting there eating my big old highly caloric chocolate pumpkin muffin.
I have been trying to make friends at my new place of employment, because thats what been lacking in my life. Relationships. Sweeping the store is kinda lonely. You can do one of several things. You can either be alone with your thoughts or produce elaborate musical numbers to Aretha Franklin’s “Respect”, like I did today. I mean I totally loved the irony of it. Hearing Aretha wail: “r.e.s.p.e.c.t., find out what it means to me.”, as I was sweeping up a squashed olive.
Or you can simply talk to people, like the greeting card lady. Or the bulk food lady. I’ve even got a couple of guys saying hi. Young ones (me wiggling my eyebrows). There is also this really nice looking guy I keep seeing walking around. He’s not in uniform. He reminds me of you, Klugarsh. I think he might be an underecover security person, since he’s never holding any groceries. Just walking. I’ve seen him almost every time I’ve worked.
And speaking of making new friends, I even managed to score some drugs today. Woo! That woman I talked to at the lockers yesterday, just brazenly handed me a baggy full of painkillers today, when I swept through the bakery. She mentioned two or three times that they were “opiates” and said they usually made people sleepy but they kept her awake. At that point I was really in pain and really wanted to pop one, but can you imagine if they were really something weird. I don’t know if you know this, but you can pick up any phone in a store and talk over the store loudspeaker. Heh! I think you just hit *3. But can you imagine if I had taken that pill and it was like crack or something and suddenly I was dialing up the store speaker phone and doing a little stream of consciousness...
“Hey you, yeah Cute Security Guy over on aisle 12. This is witty, the chick with the broom. Ya wanna go on a date? I’m over in the cat food department. If you hurry, I can be naked by time you get here!”
...See! Much more efficient and cheaper than Match.com. And look how amused everyone at work would be! Well, almost everyone. Gulp.
I actually did have two men checking me out today. Don’t really understand that. Checking out the maintenance woman. Must be some weird fantasy. One guy was way too old for me. The other was a Jewish guy with my favorite accompanying black curly hair. Love those Jewish boys. Right Charlemagne?
Anyways, getting back to my horrorscope. I took a rather large leap of faith today. I just cannot do this job physically anymore. My body can’t take it. My right calf muscle was actually spasming and twitching this morning. So I gave notice for the maintenance job. Since my boss wasn’t in today, I wrote her a lengthy letter thanking her for the opportunity, but saying that I couldn’t do it. Etc. Etc. I had already broached the subject with her verbally last time I saw her, so I think she knows its coming.
I then went and met with the manager of the photo lab which has a p/t job available and much more up my alley. I love photography and used to actually process my own film and had my own enlarger when I was younger. He was very friendly and nice and a bit nerve-wrackingly looks like Married Guy, but I will try to ignore that. He was very welcoming and looked at my in-store application. I explained I was new to the company, but was having trouble with the physical aspect of the maintenance job and before I could say another word, he said, “Well this job would be much easier for you. You’d even get to sit down!” (for the film processing part).
The only bad part is that I’m quitting one job and don’t have the other job to go to. Why? The other job is still open to other applicants until Friday. Arghhh! Way to go, huh? That lobotomy is really been working out for ya, huh witty? And I’m definitely not going to be telling “A” about this. Maybe I can divert him with that funny story about making a date over the loudspeaker at work. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, he’ll enjoy that. Gulp.
And I’m sure the human resource department probably thinks I’m a psycho by now. That witty chick is going for the world’s record...most jobs ever held at our company in a single month. Yes Wendi, but she’s bipolar. Haven’t you heard, those chicks can really multi-task! Like when she’s developing film, maybe she can run over and clean the ladies room Monday!
But I think developing film could be fun. Have you ever seen “One Hour Photo” with Robin Williams? Yeah. Interesting. So send good job karma. Why? Because you don’t want to get on my bad side, do you?
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty