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2006-12-16 @ 1:25 a.m.
christmas cookie intervention


Well, I finally got the good news that I’m NOT diabetic after all. And this, of course, was determined by a subsequent fasting blood test, by my favorite nurse, who first poked a hole in my arm, didn’t get any blood, then she pulled on a second pair of rubber gloves, stretched out the rubber fingery part, snipped off the tip of the rubber glove and then dug her dirty, filthy middle finger deep into the hole she had just made. You know, as in, poke, poke, poke...lets see where that little veiny thing is, all while I am looking down at it horrified. Aren’t the rubber gloves there for a reason? I really don’t give a fuck if she catches something from me, since its her own damn fault for cutting the fingers off of gloves. But, as a certified germaphobe, seeing somebody touching an open wound with their nekkid finger, just about made me puke.

So this week I celebrated my freedom from the possibility of having diabetes, by eating so much sugar that I actually woke up with a Sugar Hangover Thursday morning. Headachy. Shivering like a junkie in need of a fix. I really think the holidays are partially to blame though. Yeah, thats it. Way better than I’m depressed and sugar offers me fleeting moments of pleasure.

Fortunately, after acting sloth-like for almost two weeks, I’m finally getting out of the house a bit. Christmas parties, you know, like where they serve things made out of sugar. See how motivational that was? Both of my “parties” were at my old place of employment. I figure if I keep showing up there, maybe they’ll think I still work there and issue me a paycheck.

I ran a little late for the women’s group party. By time I got there all the pizza was ice cold and I had to make do with 2 massive fudge brownies and one of those mega-dark chocolate bars that are about 8” long along with three cans of soda. Diet, of course.

Last year’s women’s group party was just that. A party. Lots of relaxed chatting and socializing. This year I walked into a heavy group with this manic woman going off on some tangent. Evidently she heard that when babies are in the womb, they’re all male, but then their penises fall off when they’re born, but that there was no way she ever had a penis, “cuz that’s just plain crazy”. And then she even further speculated that this is probably why some people are lesbians. Why? “Their penis fell off, but they’re still really men.” I was just sitting there utterly fascinated. This was like way better than anything on the Discovery Channel.

I then went to the bigger general party today. There were probably about 25 people there with large trays of cookies and lasagna and more cookies and three different kinds of pies and more cookies. Did I mention they had cookies? Yeah, baby! I had the lasagna, which was a lot tastier than the cold pizza. And they had some Christmas music playing and all I could think of was the Thursday night episode of “The Office”, which was about an office Christmas party. On the show, there were two warring factions. One of the them had a party that was cool with good food and karaoke, and then other one was hosted simultaneously by the office hard-ass, with a “Nutcracker” theme and stupid games.

Today’s party wasn’t quite that bad, but there was a person, who had been put in charge of “games” and she was clearly annoyed when nobody was paying attention to her while she was trying to explain the games. You have to remember, 98% of the people at the party suffer from mental illness. They don’t want to play games. They want lasagna, three helpings of three different kinds of pie and 23 Christmas cookies. Whoops, that was me.

Anyhoo, so do you want to hear about our fun games we played today?

Office Game #1 Bowl of Rice: Fill a bowl with uncooked rice and put paper clips in it. Ya with me? Then someone times you and without looking you have to grab as many paper clips out of the rice as possible. Oh man, I was like the Champion Paper Clip Picker-Outer!! I did make the little I’m-in-Charge-of-Games Girl scream slightly, when I sifted the entire bowl of rice through my fingers. I guess she thought I was going to possibly drop the bowl of rice and ruin everything. Cut to: Her stomping her foot tempestuously. I won, by the way. 8 paper clips! The prize was a coffee mug with a reindeer on it. Woot!

Office Game #2 Rip-a-Tree: Yes, I know you’re wondering...witty, just how does one Rip-a-Tree in an office? Should I take cover? Is there a smell involved? Is my life insurance paid up? Well, it was slightly less dangerous than the title suggests. You had to take a sheet of paper, hold it behind you and tear it into the shape of a Christmas tree in 60 seconds. Have you ever seen 25 mentally ill people shredding paper Christmas trees behind their backs? Definitely an “America’s Funniest Home Video” moment. And guess who won? Go ahead, guess!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you ever doubt that an artist of my caliber couldn’t create a Christmas Tree with stunning accuracy with 4 swift rips behind my back!! Man! It was so easy. I just folded....oh wait, I don’t want you to know the secret in case we ever compete against each other in any future “Rip-a-Tree-O-Ramas”. Needless to say, I won a prize for that one too.

Office Game #3. The Left/Right Game: This game involved some intelligence, namely that you had to know your left hand from your right. I knew I was in trouble since I’ve never been able to just randomly pick them out on the spur of a moment. In fact its hereditary. My brother doesn’t know his left from his right either. And he’s an artist. Hmmm, there may be something scientific going on here. Anyways, I’ll just skip the description of the actual game since it was chaotic and confusing and say.....I WON!!!!! I felt so guilty about kicking everyone’s ass at XmasGameFest 2006, that I actually gave my prize to some woman who looked more confused than me during the game. I figured she earned it since her boyfriend kept yelling at her during the entire game.

I finally left around 3 p.m. Packed up some more Christmas tree shaped cookies for the ride home. What?

Yeah, I know....I think I may actually be needing a Christmas Cookie Intervention soon.

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