My thanks to Poolagirl, for the idea of reprinting quotes from the first entry of every month in 2006. And oh what a year it has been.
Jan 1 2006
So grocery girl was making no effort to cover her mouth even after she puts her till into the register. And I was standing there secretly adding up the number of germs that would be directly transferred from her germ infested hands to my nice, yummy yogurt cups as she scanned them over the scanner and all I can think was, I wonder if there’s a Hazmatt Team in the vicinity?
Feb 2, 2006
Our Fearless Art Leader pointed out that we had finally gotten rid of the old stretched out bungee cords and was now using some soft nylon ropes. Charlemagne immediately looked over at me and said, “Nylon ropes are good, they don’t leave marks on your wrists and ankles like regular ropes do.” and then kind of wiggled his eyebrows.
Mar 2, 2006
...but as I was flipping through the book, the young art boy teacher came walking over and started looking over my shoulder and suddenly said, “You do know that her work has certain sexual connotations, right?”
To myself. Oh realllllllly? Ya mean, Georgia All-My-Flowers-Look-Like-Vaginas O’Keefe? You’re kidding. Oh dear!!!!
April 1, 2006
I think I get weird Googles mainly because I have the word "Naked" in my header. I get an awful lot of hits for naked pictures of Selma Hayek for some reason. She is perhaps my biggest draw. Naked Selma Hayek. So whenever I'm feeling lonely for some internet lovin', I will just subliminally put that phrase in a sentence, like: "I went to see "A" today and we selma hayek naked picture talked about what I should do about my married coworker calling me while I'm naked selma hayek boob at home. He said I should really nip that naked selma hayek nipple problem in the bud and set boundaries without angrily thrusting my finger towards naked selma hayek's naked receptacle of love him.
May 1, 2006
My Dad was Catholic. My Mom was...I’m not really sure...maybe from a tribe who worshiped shopping and bowling.
June 2, 2006
It must have been the fifty twelfth Friday, you know, when the alien mother ship comes to hover over Twin Peak Apartments for like .00001 milli-seconds to send down alien ion beams and fuck everything up, because then like 5 minutes later I picked up my phone and called my mom and everything was fine. I tried my cell phone. It was fine. I turned on the water. It was fine.
Bye mothership! Next month, dudes!
July 1, 2006
I forgot, I’ve already been in trouble with the law once this week. I’m such a bad-ass! Ya want me to rob a bank for you? I mean I totally could since I’m such a gangsta now. Snoop Menopause Witty. Yo!
Aug. 1, 2006
Well, tonight I had to sit and listen to my mom talk about how he wasn't wearing any underwear and how his penis was just sort of wiggling around like some wild lemur under his silvery white polyester jumpsuit. Can you imagine? Elvis not wearing underwear? But worse yet....discussing some old Elvis guy's penis with your mother?? Yeeks! No wonder I'm still in therapy after nearly 30 years.
Sept 1, 2006
Rather amazingly when I left the HR office I was walking towards the front door to go to work and who do I see? "A"! He was standing up at the customer service desk at the front of the store, so I came up behind him, grabbed his elbow and told him my good news. He seemed genuinely happy and smiled. Later when I got home, he had also sent me an e-mail saying, "Hooray for you!"
Oct. 2, 2006
He asked how the job was going. I did my best Cloris Leachman via “Young Frankenstein” and leaned in and said, “Ve’ll talk Tuesday”. Didn’t want to scare his youngest daughter with a wild-eyed display of “I hate this fucking job and there’s large knives in the second drawer and I’m not afraid to use them” thingie.
Nov. 1, 2006Corn
I pulled out the first can of corn. And then the next and then the next and then suddenly I realized I had 10 freakin’ cans of corn in the cabinet (and one in the fridge...to be honest). And I thought....WTF??? What is wrong with me?
So see how sad it is to be me. Hey honey, what is witty writing about today?
Dec. 1, 2006
And then she gave me the horrifying news, that if you don’t have sex for a really really really realllll-lllly long time (why was she looking at me?), your vagina can atrophy. So naturally that was like a punchline waiting to happen, so I was like, “Well, I better tell Handyman we have a deadline this weekend then!” (me laughing nervously). She laughed too and said there really was no pressure.
That’s what you think. atrophy atrophy atrophy atrophy atrophy
Hope it wasn't too boring to sit through these again. Thanks for all your nice comments over the last year. And a special shout-out to my little furry muse, Guardcat, who sleeps right next to me while I'm writing and yawns disdainfully if I attempt to read any of my jokes.
Happy New Years everyone!
10 comments so far << | >>
upsy, downsy, upsy, splat! - 2010-05-22
April sours bring May flowers? - 2010-05-01
when finding a head in the recycling bin is the highlight of your month - 2010-03-28
fifty two chances to be awesome...ok maybe - 2010-02-20
its sorta like "Grease" except there's no musical numbers and I'm really old - 2010-02-05