2007-02-08 @ 2:40 p.m.
I don't exactly have a vast reservoir of friends here on the East Coast. In fact the only people I'm friendly with are my compadres in my art class. I miss having people I can just pick up the phone and call. I miss having someone I can depend on when I get in trouble (car trouble silly, not busted for cocaine!) And I really miss just having someone to hang out with. I've tried repeatedly to make friends with people here on the East Coast. I did have that 6 year thang with Married Guy. It had its good moments and it did actually feel like a real friendship. But that's history now and I have a couple of openings for witty potential friend #1 and witty potential friend #2 if you're interested, since I'm mostly just lying around unemployed, watching snowflakes and Court TV these days.
But here's the funny part. There is actually a small line formed with several people who want to be my friend. Can you imagine??? Yeah, I know, who are these people and why hasn't "America's Most Wanted" caught them yet? One of them is male. One female. Now "A", don't get all excited over the male person. Because both of these people, while nice in their own unique ways, are just not my type. And trust me, just with the short time I spend with them, I can tell.
The guy has had a crush on me for quite a while. He's about 6'7" and weighs about 140 pounds and suffers from a major health issue. I never noticed he liked me until this summer when he bought me a soda during our art seminar at the local university. And then he'd occasionally show me drawings he did of me during class. And then at the recent art show we had, I was prominently featured in a large painting as a surgeon operating on a nude figure. Dr. witty, if you will. Does that feel weird? Uh, yeah! I hate to think of some vast collection of fantasy nude drawings of me he might have tucked away in some closet somewhere....you know of his little chubby, freckly middle aged muse.
Can I just say one thing? Who else but me would have an art stalker?
Anyways, he's very shy and will usually only say "Hi", although when I went to my class right after getting out of the hospital and still had on my medical bracelets, he got all excited because he finally had something in common with me. Health issues! So he cornered me in a tiny hallway and talked about doctors and hospitals. He's totally devoid of any humor, even though he kinda looks like Christopher Lloyd from "Taxi", so it was kinda boring. Kinda like him.
The reason I even mention him is because he despises Charlemagne. Why? Because we flirt and carry on and act silly together. You can tell he's jealous. And just recently he's started saying things about Charlemagne. Snarky things. Like recently when we had two board meetings for our art group in a week. The first meeting Charlemagne was missing. I didn't think much of it because he misses them occasionally. The second one I was going to miss because there was a big humongi blizzard going on and I didn't want to drive in it. So I wanted to call someone to tell them I wouldn't be coming, because despite being "mentally ill", I am a very responsible person and always fulfill my obligations.
So since I only know Charlemagne's phone number because of the sheer number of times he's given it to me (heh), I called him about an hour before the meeting was supposed to start to ask him to tell them I wouldn't be there. As soon as I said something about a meeting he was like "What meeting...what fucking meeting? Fuck. Fucking hell. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." (and that was followed by many more fucks, since fuck is his favorite word). Evidently nobody had told him about the meeting. Charlemagne isn't very well respected by Board Members. He is loud and obnoxious, but I feel he more than makes up for it with his enthusiasm and hard work at our various functions and hosting. But they basically treat him like shit by doing things like not telling him about meetings. Because just the week before the skinny dude who likes me had made a snide comment on how the meeting had gone sooooo smoothly since Charlemagne wasn't there. I turned to him and said, "Well, he is a Board Member and should have been notified". I should have added "Asshole", but since I'm the only girl on the Board, I decided to be lady-like for a change.
So I was very happy to hear that Charlemagne would be hosting last night, because the way we had left it three weeks ago was that he was done with our group. I was crushed. I adore my little French nutball! But then he called me at 5:45 p.m. last night all frantic, saying, "I need help. Can you come RIGHT NOW!!!!!" I was sitting watching the news in my jammies with damp hair and no make up. So I said, "Well, I do have to get dressed" and he said, "No you don't....come model for us. You don't need any clothes." And I said, "I don't want people to run screaming, let me get dressed". I then slammed the phone down and since I'm not a total high maintenance girly girl, I managed to get dressed, put a little make up on, brush my hair and actually drive to town in under a half hour. Truly amazing!!
I was so happy to see him, that as he was attempting to give me my usual 2 cheek Frenchman's kiss, I gave him a big, huge hug. Not the polite company, touching of shoulders hug, but a full frontal. I told him I was so glad he was back and he said he wasn't sure how he felt about it and maybe he needed a hug too. Charlemagne, you always need a hug, just like me and you know it!
So I co-hosted with him, even though by then our intern had shown up. We had miserable attendance last night. Seven people. We usually have 18 on an average night and up to 30 on a good night. My personal theory is that we have such a miserable selection of models lately, that people are starting to stay away. Its preferable if you have around 24 people available to model at any given time. We have around 12. But in reality, I think its more like 4, since that's all we've been coming up with lately. Four people.
And there is this one model.....I call her the Monster Evil, and I totally cringe everytime I walk in and see her schlumped in her ratty robe waiting to model. Ugh. She is the worst!! She's a woman in her mid-late fifties. Uglier than fifty pitbulls grinded up in a grinder. Long stringy gray hair. Huge beak nose. Ankles that look like tree trunks. Now, you could almost forgive her for all those DNA malfunctions and say, "Well, she is interesting in a horror movie monster sort of way", but she has absolutely nothing going on. She's like a zombie. And guess who we have been booking nearly weekly. Go ahead guess? The Monster Evil.
The way she creeps me out is now legendary amongst my friends there. Everyone knows I get clammy when I see her and when I used to live closer, I used to just go home when she was modeling. But now that I have drive further and my art class is my only social life, I usually just stay and cringe and draw pictures like this....
just so I can somehow express my cringe factor of her. I always dislike when she faces me too because I'm afraid she'll see me drawing beaks on her nose or devil horns sticking out of her head or dinosaur scales down her back or writing long essays around the edges of the drawing that say stuff like, "I hate modeling. Why is everyone looking at me. They should pay me more money. But I must say, my pubic hair is just totally rocking today!"
And then there are times, like last night, when I just totally go off the ledge and launch into something like this....
Like WTF? Is that not like your worst nightmare come true!! I think that is what our model would look like if both her and I were on cocaine. I'm only guessing of course, since I never ingest anything stronger than Diet Coke with lime.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty