2007-02-11 @ 11:41 p.m.
Here I am on my last day of Age 48. Boo-ya! What will 49 bring? A few things I know for sure...more chin hairs and even worse vision. But there is a large unknown quantity out there waiting for me. I just have to decide whether I’m going to be apathetic and sit on my couch and continue to do nothing or go out the door and actually have a life this year. I need help.
But first, lets look at yesterday, which in a way, was sort of a metaphor for the last year. After a seemingly endless string of snowy gray days, we finally had a nice sunny day. I was stoked! I hate snow and gray, especially in February, because people who live in the Northern climes are usually about ready to slit their wrists about now. So I was still in the midst of my crazy cleaning thang. I had several huge bags of garbage to throw away, as well as 3 bags of stuff to bring to Goodwill. I also needed food since I was down to my emergency-only last two frozen dinners. And despite being woken up for the fifth time in two weeks by Snow Remover Guy at 2 a.m. and being tired, I also had plans to go to the gym. So I was READY-TO-GO!!!
So I went downstairs, threw away the garbage and then to my car. Strangely, despite the fact that it had snowed 3-4” the night before, my car was completely clean. Hmmm. Maybe the sun melted it. Yeah, that’s it. So I just got in and tried to start the engine. Rrrorrrr. Ror..r.r.(cough) r-r (sputter) Dead battery. I immediately got upset, because like 12 million things started going through my mind...I’m gonna miss my birthday party at my aunt’s house Monday, I’m gonna miss my last appointment with “A’, I’m gonna miss my art class, Waaaaahhhhhh!”
So I got out of my car and saw the guy who plows our parking lot. I started waving my arms and he waved back. No I’m not saying “HI!” ya nitwit...I’m a damsel in distress. He finally stopped and I asked him if he could jump-start me...ooooh, how tres bold of moi, yes? He then asked if I had any battery cables. I was all nervous because 1) I was asking a guy for help and 2) I wasn’t sure whether I exactly knew what battery cables looked when I was nervous. So I went in the back of my station wagon and was digging through all the crap and then committed the most unimaginable crime of stupidity ever (nomination forms are now available at StupidActs.com). Instead of bringing him battery cables, I accidently brought him a power bar with a surge protector. He looked at it briefly and said, “Oh, that’s okay, I think I have some” and then I looked down and realized, witty, just because it has a long black cord, doesn’t mean its a battery cable. Oy! What a total girl!
So he hooked his up and I got in and tried my car. Rrr. rr......(cough) dead. Fuck. I thanked him and ran upstairs to call my mother, since I have absolutely nobody else for that famous Plan B, people are supposed to have. At first I couldn’t get her off her IM with my sister and then finally I said I had an emergency and then she immediately thought, as usual I was squirting blood out of one of my limbs like in a Monty Python skit. I asked her if she could take me to Walmart to get a new battery and then I could call AAA to put it in. Simple enough, right?
Walmart didn’t have my battery since I have one of those wildly exotic Subarus, so they sent me to Napa Auto. I got it there and then got home and called AAA. Them: “Sure, we can do that for you. No problem. We’ll be over within an hour and a half”. I didn’t really like the sound of the hour and a half thing since it was only about 17 degrees out and my mom wanted to stay out in the car and wait with me and she’s almost 80 and has asthma. But Sure! Okay!
So we’re waiting....and waiting.....and waiting. Since we had a lot of time on our hands, I started noticing weird things like, as I mentioned, my car had no snow on it. Other cars in the parking lot did. And I hadn’t even swept it off. And I knew I had looked down at it last night and it was covered with snow. But now....spotless. And then gee, the whole hood, windshield and front of the car was all shiny and clean. That’s weird. Why? Because when you live in a heavy snow area, you drive over all this rock salt and chemical crap and your car gets all gritty and sooty looking. And yet, as my mom and I sat facing my car, all the windows, hood and side doors were absolutely glistening. What the hell is going on? Do I now have a car cleaning stalker too?
I finally decided to run up to my apartment to get my purse because it had already been an hour and 15 minutes and frankly I was getting annoyed. Where was AAA? So I get up there and there’s a message on my machine. “We’re sorry, but AAA DOESN”T put batteries in cars. But if you would like to purchase one from us....”
I was too angry to call them back just then and plus my mom was down in a freezing ass car, so I just went back down and told her we needed to go over to the grocery store and get some food. Those idiots though! I did call them when I got home and made sure that wasn’t counted as a call on my AAA card. I then wondered what to do, because once again...I have no Plan B. No one to call. So I finally called my aunt. Tears came quickly. I was really tired. My cousin Alan is a car afficionado, so she called him and we arranged for him to come and put the battery in this morning and fortunately, the battery was all that was wrong. Yay!
Today was another nice sunny day and I decided to celebrate my Last Day of 48’ness with another little ceremonial ritual thingie. I knew I wanted to do this one outside, so I went over to the canal with candles and a bag of ashes from a previous ceremonial thing performed by my very very lovely friend. I had wanted to keep the ashes for a special day and I thought today was the day. I really don’t know anything about wiccan rituals so I just decided to make up my own.
So I walked along the canal until I found a bridge over a creek which brought me to the edge of a large open area which was at the far, far edge of an exclusive condo complex. I figured I’d have privacy amid the trees and creek and snow drifts. So I took out my baggie of ashes and made a circle around myself. I had brought candles, but after five tries of trying to light one in the wind, I finally gave up.
So there I am trying to get all zen, when suddenly I hear this strange noise...a kind of schuuush....schuuush....schuuuush. And I look around and see some old dude on cross country skis schuushing towards me. Oh shit. Its kinda hard for some hippie chick in a beret to hide a rather bold ashen circle and candles out in the middle of a vast expanse of white snow. I had hoped he’d veer way around me, but no. He practically ran over my circle. I got really nervous since I fully expected him to see the circle and point at me and yell “Satan” or something. But he just shouted out a cheerful “Hello” and kept going. Phew!
So I did my little ceremony, which was mainly dedicated to the hopes and dreams for my 49th year. I’d like to work on fear, foregiveness and my self esteem. I’d like to find love. I went into great detail about that....the good, the bad and the ugly of it. I realize its not all sunshine and roses and am willing to work on it. I just can’t take this loneliness anymore. And then finally I worked on my Dad’s stuff some more. I really would like for him to talk to me in some way....either in a dream...or through someone or something. I just need some kind of closure on him. It was a nice ceremony though. Much more positive than the one last week.
Afterwards I mixed the ashes in with the snow and walked back up to the canal trail. I was walking along with my head down looking at the patterns in the snow. The sun was casting interesting shadows in the whiteness. And then suddenly something lightly brushed my left hand. It startled me for a moment and in my head I went “Dad?”
It was actually this large, beautiful Golden Retreiver that started thoughtfully walking by my side. I scratched it on the head and said “hello” and then it looked up at me with its big chocolatety eyes and seemed rather joyful. We walked for a bit and then I turned around and another guy on cross country skis was coming up behind me to rejoin his dog. So I guess it wasn’t my Dad dropping by to wish me a happy birthday. I could only hope.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty