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2007-03-16 @ 12:30 a.m.
and for her next trick she'll attempt to boil water


I really need to train Charlemagne to call me a little earlier if he needs me to help him at our art class. Because I left later than usual (6:35, since it takes about 15 minutes to get there) and when I got there, Charlemagne was standing in the door asking, “Didn’t you get my message?” What was the message? First he asked if I had ever seen the movie “The Fly” and then there was this extremely high pitched "fly" voice squealing: “Helppppppppppp Me”.

I guess you have to be very hip in order to decipher those extremely obscure movie references.

But yay for Week Three without fugly Beaknose Model. Maybe my complaint to our Board President about my intense dislike of her constant booking did the trick. Woo hoo! We had a good model, although I’m still sniffling and coughing and didn’t really do anything worth sharing.

Zue, my little “I wish you were my friend” person did totally monopolize my free time during the break. She thinks she has the perfect man for me. I’m not really so sure about her taste in men however and I have a lot on my mind right now and even though I didn’t particularly want to listen, she’s an Aries and they pretty much keep talking and are totally bossy even if you’re standing there furrowing your eyebrows and sending lightening bolts out of your forehead. Right, “A”????????????

So she said, “Well he has good features and bad features.” I said, well give me the bad ones first since why bother with the good ones if the bad ones are something really horrifying like there’s a third leg sticking out of his forehead or he smells like dead goats on top of a pile of poop. But she insisted on the good ones first, like good conversationalist. Kind. Good sense of humor. Generous. He likes to go for car rides!!! He’s on disability....BUT!!! He builds lamps and sells them on E-Bay! Yay!! (oh, that was one of his good features incidentally). AND(!!!!) “He’s not dangerous or won’t physically hurt you!” (phew! That’s good! I absolutely hate when those cute guys who look like Johnny Depp end up clocking you with a tire iron when you stoop down to pick up a paper towel).

So we finally got through the very lengthy Good Features list and finally got to the even more important bad features one, since frankly I really wanted to go chat with the other Art Guys, particular Sci Fi Guy, since he’s the person giving me that used computer. Because, at the moment, my computer is about one molecule away from dying. It stalls about every 4-8 minutes. I mean it stalls if you sneeze. It stalls if you leave the room and flush the toilet in the next room. It stalls if President Bush acts stupid and you know what THAT means! And as you might guess, I’m totally dependent on my computer. Its like the left ventricle of my heart....so I've been freaking out.

But Zue kept going on and on about this mystery man who would be perfect for me. So what were the bad features? You wanna hear them? He’s morbidly obese (think the “Maury Show” where they have to go in with chain-saws so the guy can get out the front door) and he’s "funny-looking". I just don’t know what she was thinking. I told her I didn’t want her to think I was a hypocritical or anything, but that all the men I’ve ever dated have all been pretty good looking and physically fit. Married Guy was even running the New York City marathon in his late 40’s. That’s not to say they HAVE TO BE pretty and skinny...but morbidly obese and funny looking? And for somebody to actually describe somebody as funny looking...well, that doesn’t exactly bode well.

And for some reason, I literally could not get her to shut up. I mean I tried. I told her I wasn’t interested and then she wanted me to give her my phone number to give him. No. Her: Well how about if I give you his number and you can call him. Me: No. Her: How about if Charlemagne checks him out for you and then he says he’s okay? Me: No. Her: You could just practice date with him. Get some free meals. Me: I don’t do that. I think thats cruel. No. Her: How about if I take your phone number and then you can e-mail me and tell me if you change your mind. Me: No.

Holy shit. She was starting to make “A” look like a rank amateur. I was actually getting annoyed because I wasn’t in a very good mood anyways. I had poured my heart out to “L” the Hippy Chick earlier about how I had done that Wiccan Circle Thing with the ashes back in January and tried to cleanse my soul and start anew and really thought my life was going to start being totally awesome but then nothing. I really think it was getting hit with the news of losing my services with the agency I’ve been with for almost 8 years and “A” repeatedly telling me I should start looking for a “supplemental” therapist (I DON’T WANT TOO). I just feel totally rejected by everyone and its been a rough winter. And then this chick is trying to hook me up with Quasi-fucking-moto. Christ!

So after my art class, when I finally managed to shut Yente the fuck up, my art buddies, “L”, Zue (although she’s not exactly my buddy, except minimally by proxy), Sci Fi Guy and Charlemagne were all gathered around me. I was telling them how much I wanted to get out of my apartment (another thing I’m stressed about) and about all the stalkerish/crazy/vandalism stuff the Garden Hacker Guy has done over the past year. And then there was a loud discussion (its always loud with them since they all try to talk over the top of each other) about what to do. And Charlemagne came up with what he thinks is the perfect solution.

Since I am very isolated (I haven’t had anybody in my apartment since Handyman back in November and before that nobody except maybe my mom once or twice in a year), he thinks I should start having all my friends come over to visit.

Huh? Friends?

So I was standing thinking...all my friends? I don’t have any friends. I’ve lived in New York for 16 years now and literally have nobody I can just call up and say “Hey”. But evidentally Charlemagne thought everyone standing around me were my friends and reprimanded me for never inviting any of them over to my apartment or giving out my phone number (except to him, of course). I actually didn’t know what to say, because he might have possibly be partially right. (Never tell a guy he's right, otherwise there will be no living with him).

The main problem is, I am extremely shy. I have trouble trusting people, especially after the whole Married Guy fiasco. I feel like putting your heart out there is an open invitation for getting it stomped on. People disappoint you....even the ones you think are only capable of unconditional love like my Dad. So that’s why I stay closed off from people. I talk to them. I joke with them in my class, but I don’t allow myself to emotionally connect with them. And its a conscious decision. And to be honest, I’ve been alone for so long, that its the only place I'm comfortable. Of course, I do yen for companionship...naturally...but I just can’t stand the thought of being rejected for like the 1000th time. I just can’t. Its too painful.

So Zue and Charlemagne are going to be knocking at my door tomorrow afternoon at around 3 p.m. Gulp. Charlemagne was irate (as only he can be) that I didn’t have a coffee maker and wouldn’t be serving them coffee. I did say I had some tea and my brother had bought me a teapot I had never opened since I don’t drink tea and have absolutely no use whatsoever for a teapot except to maybe water plants. I also told him I didn’t know how to make tea and he came over and knocked on my forehead with his knuckles and asked if I knew how to boil water. Duh! So see how totally inept I am at almost everything except writing and art.

So today I went to the store and bought some new green tea since my tea, I think, is from like 1979. I did pass by some crumpets and wondered if I should buy them since you know...tea and crumpets. God, I’m such a dork. No wonder I'm such a freakin' social outcast.


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