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2007-04-15 @ 1:37 a.m.
the secret identity doupleganger


So I was sitting on the couch alone Friday night eating a package of Peeps, watching the TV show “Secret Identity” thinking how much my life would lend itself to a Martin Scorcese movie. Well, except I’d have to change myself to a male character, so that Leonardo DiCaprio could play me. And then we’d have to bring in several thousand rounds of ammo and guns, in case somebody’s Italian cousin wanted revenge. And then maybe we’d have to change the location from my pristine New England Village, to maybe Boston or Jersey. But wouldn’t my life make a great Scorcese movie?

The episode of “Secret Identity” I watched last night had this guy guess all twelve identities and win a half a million dollars. It seemed so much easier than “Deal or No Deal” with my honey bunny Howie Mandell. I mean they usually have like 4 hookers in bikinis with identities like “Weighs 114 pounds” and “Snorted coke with Bobby Brown”. And then 3 slacker dudes with identities like “Air Guitar Champion”, “Sleeps 23 hours a day--Nuclear Scientist other 1 hour a day” and then “Lives in Parent’s Basement and Collects Pee Wee Herman Memorabilia”. And then the other five people are like Sylvester Stallone’s half brother and the only guy in the Bahamas who didn’t try to impregnate Anna Nicole Smith.

I’d like to go on the show, but I really don’t know what my identity is. Truly. I’m drawing a blank. I'm not married. I definitely ain’t nobody’s mama. I’m not employed. I don’t go to church. I’m not in any clubs. I don’t go to school. I haven’t won the lottery. I haven’t hit a winning home run. I haven’t won money on a game show. I haven’t been on “Survivor”. I haven’t been fired by Donald Trump. I haven’t been dissed by Rosey O’Donald. I don’t have any artwork in M.O.M.A. I haven’t had an affair with a famous person. Or a politician. Or a co-worker. Or my shrink. I’ve been in movies but have never had my name in the credits. I’ve been on television but have never had my name in the credits.

Just who am I. WHO AM I?? I’m the person who could prevent the next contestant from winning that half a million dollars, that's who I am!! Since how could they ever guess who I am, when I can’t even guess who I am... except maybe the person who “wears size 14”, or “draws naked people”, or “kisses her cat incessantly and talks in a high squeaky cat voice and sings “Dreamgirls” to her cat every morning, substituting the word “cat” in the song “One night only” to “One cat only...One cat only”.

See, I told you. Martin Scorcese material. Definitely.


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