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2007-04-15 @ 1:37 a.m. |
So I was sitting on the couch alone Friday night eating a package of Peeps, watching the TV show �Secret Identity� thinking how much my life would lend itself to a Martin Scorcese movie. Well, except I�d have to change myself to a male character, so that Leonardo DiCaprio could play me. And then we�d have to bring in several thousand rounds of ammo and guns, in case somebody�s Italian cousin wanted revenge. And then maybe we�d have to change the location from my pristine New England Village, to maybe Boston or Jersey. But wouldn�t my life make a great Scorcese movie? The episode of �Secret Identity� I watched last night had this guy guess all twelve identities and win a half a million dollars. It seemed so much easier than �Deal or No Deal� with my honey bunny Howie Mandell. I mean they usually have like 4 hookers in bikinis with identities like �Weighs 114 pounds� and �Snorted coke with Bobby Brown�. And then 3 slacker dudes with identities like �Air Guitar Champion�, �Sleeps 23 hours a day--Nuclear Scientist other 1 hour a day� and then �Lives in Parent�s Basement and Collects Pee Wee Herman Memorabilia�. And then the other five people are like Sylvester Stallone�s half brother and the only guy in the Bahamas who didn�t try to impregnate Anna Nicole Smith. I�d like to go on the show, but I really don�t know what my identity is. Truly. I�m drawing a blank. I'm not married. I definitely ain�t nobody�s mama. I�m not employed. I don�t go to church. I�m not in any clubs. I don�t go to school. I haven�t won the lottery. I haven�t hit a winning home run. I haven�t won money on a game show. I haven�t been on �Survivor�. I haven�t been fired by Donald Trump. I haven�t been dissed by Rosey O�Donald. I don�t have any artwork in M.O.M.A. I haven�t had an affair with a famous person. Or a politician. Or a co-worker. Or my shrink. I�ve been in movies but have never had my name in the credits. I�ve been on television but have never had my name in the credits. Just who am I. WHO AM I?? I�m the person who could prevent the next contestant from winning that half a million dollars, that's who I am!! Since how could they ever guess who I am, when I can�t even guess who I am... except maybe the person who �wears size 14�, or �draws naked people�, or �kisses her cat incessantly and talks in a high squeaky cat voice and sings �Dreamgirls� to her cat every morning, substituting the word �cat� in the song �One night only� to �One cat only...One cat only�. See, I told you. Martin Scorcese material. Definitely. Older Entries |
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty |
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