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2007-04-28 @ 10:53 p.m.
I'd rather have asstort


Major Diaryland difficulties. If you've read this already....Please ignore. Its not registering on the Reader's List, so I don't know if its being published. Thanks for your patience. Mine is shot! Grrr!


Ever get suspicious when somebody does something nice for you...like what are their motives, especially if they’re a stranger? I had that happen yesterday. I was doing my laundry once again....okay I was scoping out the laundromat for Mr. Cool Shoes. There, ya happy? Like he’s really ever going to be there again on Friday afternoon. Why would he be? His beautiful Paris Hilton-clone girlfriend probably finally took him back after he apologized for accidently saying she looked slightly larger than Lindsey Lohan from behind and then she threw every piece of their china at him from their Stickley china cabinet and told him to GET OUT and go live with Lindsey Lohan and maybe cook her some fried chicken and some fried hamburgers and some fried pizza and some fried everything else until she blew up bigger than the woman he supposedly loves so much.

Needless to say, they’re back together and he’s now one again using their $10,000 gold plated washer and dryer...and they lived happily ever after.

Oh, but the nice thing somebody did for me. Yeah. So while I had my laundry going (and what it really was were things I found that didn’t really NEED laundering like potholders I haven’t used in several decades and a pillow case with a nude Burt Reynolds from the 1970’s), I decided to walk over to Sunoco gas station on the corner for a diet Coke.

I am once again suffering from sinusitis, dammit. Can you believe it? I was sick with it for three weeks in March and went through two courses of antibiotics, had two healthy weeks and now I’m back tearing through boxes of Kleenexes again. So I was feeling rather dried out in the laundry, so one of those big mega sodas with 1.6 trillion ounces of caffeine, seemed just the deal. So I went to the self serve soda place and filled the mega-cup full of diet cola and then brought it up to the counter. The young guy looked at me and said, “Anything else?”, meaning I guess a tank of gas. I said no and then he...ha, ha, winked at me, and kind of surreptitiously nodded his head towards the door. At first I was in a Monty Python sketch where the clerk perhaps had a crick in his neck or something in his eye and was doing like a theatrical WINK WINK. And then he tilted his head yet again towards the door and smiled and then I just walked out with a free soda!!

Oh my! I felt like a total criminal. Like thanks Catholic School!! I mean I was cautiously walking out the door thinking Chris Hanson from Dateline’s “How to catch a Soda Stealer” was going to come rushing up to me with a microphone and say, “So...you thought it was free, did you? Things in life aren’t free. People pay for things. Does your spouse know you’re doing this?” And then I’d get tackled by all TWO cops from the Village and sprayed with mace and I’d be on the news that night and “A” would see it and Married Guy would see it. And then when it was aired on Dateline’s “How to Catch a Soda Stealer” and my whole family would be disgraced and I’d never get to go to my Aunt’s Easter and Christmas dinners again. And my cousin would come over and try to convert me to Christianity again. And I’d have to wear a hair shirt that itched alot. And I wouldn’t be able to secretly watch “D@ncing with the Stars”.

Oy! I have enough guilt for a really good comedy act, dont’cha think?

The soda was quite delicious, by the way.

My Wednesday art class was pretty sedate other than having a new interesting model...someone who actually had curves and didn’t look like they just wandered in from their lobotomy. She was in her late 30’s, short, blonde curly hair with a bag of props! Oh how I love when a model actually “does something” while they model. She had all different kind of hats. She had a sword, a cane, hippy glasses. She played a cornucopia of characters...everything from a hippie with a bandanna and hippie glasses to a proper society lady with a large red frou frou hat with chiffon. It was great and it kept me interested, despite the fact that I have lost my much needed glasses, perhaps permanently and can’t see much of anything. Unfortunately I only get one pair of glasses every two years with Medicaid, so I’m not sure what I am going to do.

And I do think I might be really blind because I came across this sign yesterday at the grocery store...



Does that really say “ASStorted"?


witty’s Fake Husband: “witty dear, do you want ham or asstort on your sandwich?”
witty (from other room): “What Cool Shoes?”
witty’s Fake Husband: “Ham or asstort?”
witty (from other room): “Ass who?”
witty’s Fake Husband: “Never mind, I’ll just surprise you, sweetie!”

Its just been one of those weeks.



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