blackbird.jpg (30437 bytes)

2007-05-08 @ 12:51 p.m.
the photo that will git me a man!


I decided that maybe its time to replace the photo on my sMatch.com profile. Not that its paid for or anything, but its still available to the Masses if they really dig and let me tell you...I’ve been doing spectacular!! How spectacular, you ask?? Four responses in 8 years! Woot!

First guy responded within minutes of it hitting cyberspace. I get an instant message: “Hi, my name is Fred (name changed to protect the innocent and do you really think I can remember some dink’s name from 8 years ago?). “How are U? Your profile is gret! U wanna talk?”

I was nervous but I said okay, figuring since he was so aggressive, he’d do most of the talking and I was right. Within the first five minutes he told me he was married, but that him and his wife had an open marriage. And then some other minor bullshit. And then we got into HIS real interests. What were they? Oh, he studied alien abductions and he told me about the last one he had investigated where a woman had been abducted out on Route 92 for a whole afternoon, but then was safely returned to her car in time to go home and cook her husband dinner. Sounds more like a quickie nooner with a perv. Anyhoo, he wanted to make sure I was believing what he was saying although I was just sitting there playing Devil’s Advocate to some nutball on the internet. I guess he was excited that I “believed” him and his “work”, so he said he wanted to send me a photo of himself.

Personally I couldn’t wait, since how often do you get to meet and see an AAS (alien abduction specialist)! So he sent the picture and since I had a very slow dial-up at the time, the picture opened verrrrry slowly from the shoulders down (no head). Blip, blip...shoulders....blip, blip...torso. Hmmm. No shirt. Blip, blip...lower torso...blip, blip..

PENIS!!



Or at least a partial view since he was holding a chihuahua in front of The Grand Prize. I mean if I were a guy, thrusting my wanker out on the ‘net, I would have at least covered myself with something a little more impressive than a freakin' chihuahua.

Anyways, this was long before I was down with nudity, so I was a little shocked. Some married guy I had just met 15 minutes ago was sending me a naked photo of himself? You’d think I’d learn about married men, wouldn’t you? So I thanked him for the photo. He asked if I had any. I said no (you liar, witty!) and said I had to go. “Bye!”...”Bye” And then I blocked that asshat from ever having access to my cyber(cough)space again.

Next response from my sMatch.com was just a guy saying my ad was the funniest ad he had ever seen....but no he wasn’t interested...but HA Ha, you’re really funny(!!) which is pretty much the story of my life. You’re funny, but I don’t want to date you.

Next guy was a guy named Woody. He was this tall skinny geeky Jewish guy who sent me a picture of himself in an Easter Bunny suit. Woody was actually very nice though. And funny. And creative. He used to send me cartoons he drew of him and his two black labs. He even drew me a birthday card for my birthday. My problem? Sheer abject fear of meeting someone off the internet. We corresponded for over two months and he never outright asked me out, so we were obviously just two geeks who didn’t know how to do this dating thing. So finally one day he said he had shared more with me in print than with anyone he had ever written, but he was tired of it, so goodbye. I felt sad, but not enough to drive over to his house (I had stalked him, after he had inadvertently given me his location) and do anything about it.

Fourth guy on sMatch.com is almost not even worth mentioning. Some quadrapalegic wrote me and said he was “desperate for love” and would I consider dating him. I really got the feeling that he had probably gone down the list of ALL the women and written the same thing...so no, I won’t, since I kind of like to feel special and not just something on somebody’s wish list.

I have been getting more attention lately in real life. It certainly isn’t from any particular effort on my part that’s for sure. I still mostly walk around with my head down, have angst attacks if anyone says “Hello” to me and generally am not feeling worthy of male attention. At my last appointment with “A” he gave me some homework, which he hasn’t done in a long time. I have to make a list of all my good features. He said I wasn’t allowed to only have like three or say something positive and then trash it. I said sure. I can make a list. I can actually make quite a substantial list. Its just that I have a tendency to put the good words together with bad actions, like...

“Honesty....always gets me in trouble.” “My sense of humor....won’t get me dates.” “I’m nice...but I let people walk all over me.” See how that works? I just really have trouble letting my good points shine through. And I REALLY have problems when a guy just notices me for no reason. Like WTF? Do I have something dangling from my nose?

But thanks to therapy and a lot of work on myself, I’m finally learning its okay not to be perfect. In fact, in the last three years, since I’ve adopted the artist’s lifestyle (“Love, sex and art are messy”), I have felt more comfortable in my skin than ever before. I have found more people I have things in common with. Now all I have to do, is just shove all this overwhelming angst aside for about five minutes and find a guy who actually cherishes someone with a sense of humor.



By the way, here's my new sMatch.com photo. Too subtle, you think?



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