2003-07-19 @ 9:15 p.m.
|Took a little vacation from writing. I actually wrote some lengthy e-mails to the Married Guy and someone else and was too tired to come here and be witty or at least irritating.
today was the day of $1.00 garage sale items. I paid $1.00 for a brand new knee length wool coat made in Uruguay. It was at a barn sale and I was trying it on and the woman said "One dollar". How could I not take it? I live in snow country. After a quick once over with a cat hair removal brush it was good to go.
Second item, a large black wood frame (not the cheesy K-Mart kind, but hand made) with a khaki green mat. Just needed some cleaning. I'm an artist and I'm always in need of frames.
Third item, I went to this sale and there was a big sign that said, U Price It. There was a lot of stuff. Many, many CDs, but mostly of music I don't like, so I picked up several psychology books, a candle and a book about where movie stars live, commit suicide and film TV shows in Hollywood. One dollar.
My last purchase was actually from yesterday, but it falls under the one dollar category. I need a chair to sit on when I go to outdoor concerts. I hate those nylon tripod chairs and also I really can't afford $10-$15 to get one. So I went to an estate sale yesterday, and there, in its crowning glory, a very cool-looking, low slung striped canvas beach chair with wood arm rests. It kind of looks 1950's. One dollar. I tested it to make sure it could take my weight and it was very comfy. I'm sure all the nylon tripod people will be green with envy when they see my cool striped chair.
So I finally got the brakes fixed by a person who does work really cheaply. Had gone to Pepboys and got quoted $117, and my friend with parts and labor did it for $44. So at least its not scraping anymore, but is still ka-thunking. The car guy thinks it may be my struts. My secret car fund, which I used to keep tucked in a book, is now gone. I've sunk $600 into a 10 year old rusted hulk in the last 8 months. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I have been having a lot of trouble with some new medication. Wellbutrin. Anyone else take it? About 45 minutes after I take it I feel like the Incredible Hulk waiting to break out of my clothing and destroying something. Highly anxious, agitated, angry. My therapist told me, it is helping clear up my depression but it is also uncovering my real feelings. Yikes! What's worse? Real feelings or depression? You never know when you're in the middle of them. They both seem pretty horrible. Its sort of like being asked do you want to die by hanging or lethal injection.
I do walk around pissed a lot. Somebody once told me I looked like an angry cat. And really minor things bother me. Right now I live in a basement apartment in a complex full of kids. They run around and scream and yell in front of my ground level window all day during the summer. I get so enraged that I usually have to either get in my car and leave or go for a walk. I've talked to them. I've talked to their parents. I've talked to the landlord and absolutely nothing has changed. And I'm about ready to go postal. And I am especially aware of this inclination right after I take this medication. Its like, hmmm, I better take a walk, otherwise I may go outside with a machete.
It's gotten considerably worse in the last week when I went in my bedroom and 4 kids were crushed up against my window playing mudpies in my antique stone birdbath. I went outside and their mother was just coming up the walkway. She's always been pretty nice, telling me to tell her if the noise is bugging me (A RESOUNDING YES). But I told her that the kids being in my bedroom window was really bothering me and she yells over to the kids, who are 5 and 7. "You're giving this lady nightmares, playing in her bedroom window" and then laughed. Now is a 5 and 7 year old going to comprehend what she is saying? A simple, get away from the freakin' window or I'm going to beat you senseless would have been sufficient. They only moved because their mom was home. And then the very next day, I was walking into my bedroom pulling off my nightgown to get dressed and I look up and my window is again blotted out with a bunch of little kids. I'm like, what the hell is this?? This is my fucking bedroom window. I only have translucent curtains on the windows, which are fine if you're walking by on the sidewalk, but if you're scrunched up against my window sill its a different story. I feel like I don't have any privacy. I also suffer from anxiety and having all this noise and chaos around my windows is really freaking me out. And taking anxiety producing medicine doesn't exactly help. So I don't know what to do. I don't have the money to move. I have no one to ask for help. The owner of this apartment has said he will let me out of my lease, but without money...
I had an interesting dream 3 nights ago. I had been diagnosed with diabetes several years ago and then lost 42 pounds and the symptoms went away. But in my dream I was in the entryway of a grocery store and had collapsed from low blood sugar. I was on the ground, very weak, fading in and out of conscienceness. And I could see people walking by and as they walked by I kept saying, "help...help" and nobody would stop. I don't need a dream analysis book to figure that one out. Its indicative of a life that is filled with adversity with no life preservers. Why can't I ever have nice dreams, like winning the lottery or kissing Johnny Depp.
I had kind of a weird experience on Friday. My Friday morning session with my shrink was mostly about my father. Even though he's been dead since March I haven't really grieved him, because its been all tangled up with my anger at his wife.
Anyways, I had gone into a thrift store to look around for stuff to buy for E-Bay. I was also looking for a wallet. The zipper on my wallet keeps getting stuck and I can't really afford a new one from a store, so I was looking around. I finally found one I liked really well. It was leather and had an interesting design. I looked inside to make sure it was clean and as I was going through the compartments I found a piece of white paper. I took it out and unfolded it and it was a check. I looked at the check and it was dated with the date of my father's 65th birthday and it was written out to just Lily, no last name and Lily was our cat's name. And what music do you think was playing over the store loudspeakers? "We are family". It was freakin' weird. Call John Edward. I think my Dad was trying to talk to me. My mom had been watching the John Edward show in the last week and he said once people "pass over", whatever they were affected with in this life, which in my dad's case was Alzheimer's Disease, disappears. I would really like to resolve some stuff with my Dad. I just thought there was a lot of coincidences that day. Especially finding a check in a wallet (related to me losing my inheritance), and then having it dated on his birthday, and then having our cat's name on it, with no last name, and then having them playing "We are family". OK, maybe I'm reaching a little. I'll blame it on the weird medications I'm on, but it was very noticeable. Like something was trying to be communicated. Or maybe I'm just wishing too hard. Yeah, thats it. Must be.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty